Total Drama Fortress
by PPP SSC
Summary: Twenty contestants return for the chance to win a million dollars that is held at the center of the fortress.  All eliminations, episode outcomes, and contestants decided.  Possibly retconning TDWT's finale, but not the season as a whole.
1. The Secret Garden

Author's Notes: The contestants, elimination order, challenges and outcomes are set in stone. No requests of this nature, please. However, feel free to point out any elements of the show that I am not exploring enough. The finale of TDWT may or may not have happened but if it did, assume the best. Also, I am terribly sorry if the episodes seem extremely short.

Total Drama Fortress

Chris McLean was psyched to host the new season. "Let's welcome back our returning contestants. First the ones everyone expects to see…" The camera panned to a shuttle, which Duncan was walking out of as Chris said his name; he was followed by Courtney, Gwen, and Heather, all in a line. After them, Owen came out, followed by Harold and DJ. Lindsay, LeShawna, and Bridgette all toddled out behind them, culminating in Izzy dropping out on top of the three previous girls. "And here come some of our less lucky contestants…" Noah, Cody, and Beth all walked out as Chris said their names.

"I'm so glad we get to be in the competition together again!" Beth shouted ecstatically.

"We are too," Cody said.

"Trent, Tyler, Sierra, and Alejandro," Chris exclaimed, as they walked out of the shuttle, and Tyler tripped over Trent.

"I'm okay," Trent and Tyler said in unison.

"Eh?" Ezekiel (who had fully recovered from his problems in the third season) said, "I wonder if this is the year that's going to be mine!"

"I doubt it, because I didn't mention our last returning contestant yet. EVA!" Chris shouted. Eva was not in the shuttle but was in fact waiting next to Chris.

"Yeah, I'm back. I'd just like to say, _finally!" _Eva shouted.

"Alright everyone," Chris said, "Let's get back on the shuttle, because we're still a few miles from our final location." Everybody groaned. "After all, this is Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"

The shuttle arrived at the location and a dauntingly huge fortress stood at the center of everyone's attention.

Sierra pointed it out with a shocked expression on her face, "Wow, it's huge!"

Noah whispered to Owen, "Do you think that whoever built this was compensating for something?"

"Definitely," Owen whispered back, grinning.

Chris looked offended. He cleared his throat and then said, "This fortress was built by _moi."_

Everybody laughed. Chris looked even more offended, and then said, "Anyway, this fortress is many layers deep. Many, many layers deep. It will take you guys all season just to get to the center, which is where the _million dollars _are."

"It looks impregnable," Harold said, "How do we get in?"

"That's the challenging part," Chris said, "But… before we get into that, I'm going to introduce you to the confession chamber. It's this little building _right _over here," he said, pointing to a small building just to the left of the fortress walls, "and now, the first challenge of the season! I have placed four treasures in this courtyard. It is your task to find which one you think is the most valuable. This one," he said pointing to a massive crystal, "This one," he said pointing to a gold cross studded with rubies, "That one," he said, pointing to a drab looking key, "Or that one way over there," he said pointing to a small emerald band far off in the corner. "Go!"

"Heather," Alejandro said, "Allow me to lead you to the correct answer."

"Like I need your help," Heather said. She looked at the key and said, "Ugh… why is that even a choice?" They passed it by.

"Oh, man!" LeShawna said, admiring the cross, "This is the most beautiful thing I have _ever _seen."

"Well, it is pretty nice," Gwen said, smiling, "I'd prefer it if it was silver, but still."

Noah picked up the key and then sang, "Da-da-da-DAAAA!"

Harold followed up the song with the statement, "Noah obtained the Chekhov's Gun!"

Noah looked at Harold and said, "How'd you know that?"

"Because," Harold said, "No one would be likely to pick this one. Therefore, it must be correct."

"Okay," Noah said flatly, "I'll give you that one."

Izzy's eyes had focused onto the emerald band. "Okay, we're going to get _that _one. It's the prettiest and it's also the most _fun!"_

"Alright, Izzy," Owen said, "I'll go with you."

"Oh my gosh!" Lindsay shouted, "It's _great! _Come on Tyler, let's get it!" Her face was all bubbly and happy, but his was rather grim.

"Uhh… I don't know if that's a good idea, Lindsay," Tyler complained, but it didn't matter. Lindsay grabbed him by the wrist and found the entrance to where the band was being held.

"This is the right one," Eva said, admiring the crystal, "Size matters, you know."

"It does indeed," Duncan said, with his eyebrows bouncing. Eva glared at him. He stopped. "Now let's go carry this to Chris." They each took up a side, and started walking away from Ezekiel.

"I'll do it, eh?" Ezekiel offered.

Duncan and Eva both turned around and said, "No."

"Oh," Ezekiel responded sadly, "Can I spot you then?"

"Whatever," Eva said, "Just don't get in our way."

(In the confessional, Ezekiel said, "I'm sure that these people will warm up to me eventually! After all, no one's better than the Zeke, eh?")

The two were carrying the crystal when they ran into Alejandro and Heather. Alejandro pointed to it and said, "Now, _this _is clearly the most valuable."

Beth had eyed the key and said, "Hey Cody, do you think we should go get that key?"

"I guess…" Cody said, shrugging, "I mean, it doesn't seem to be getting enough love."

Trent turned to Gwen and asked, "Hey, you chose the cross, hm? I thought it was beautiful too."

Gwen looked at Trent and blushed. LeShawna looked at her and smiled, laughing slightly.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "Alright, you know how I was over Trent? Well, that was when he was being weird! Now… he's acting all _romantic _again. _Romantic!_ How could I resist that?")

"Lindsay?" Tyler asked, "Are you _positive _we should be going after this dealybobber instead of one of the others?"

Lindsay giggled, "Of course, Tyler. That's why we're _going _after it."

Bridgette sheepishly walked around, looking very confused. "Hey Granola Girl!" Izzy shouted, "Yeah, you, get over here, I got something real neat to show you!"

"Umm…" Bridgette said.

"I think this treasure might be _haunted," _Izzy said, smiling. "But there's only one way to find out! GRAB IT!"

"Well," Bridgette said, "I guess that if it's hard to get, it must be _pretty _valuable, right?"

"Great!" Izzy said, providing Bridgette with a random helmet, "Go long, Bridgette!"

"Wait, _I _have to retrieve it?" she asked shyly.

"I'll do it!" Tyler shouted, and then proceeded to bump his head on the stone wall that the band was lodged in.

Courtney was confused and looking for an item. She stared at the big crystal, "Nah, too obvious." She looked at LeShawna, Trent, and Gwen staring at the cross. "Too gaudy." She saw what Izzy had planned. "Not even touching that one." She saw the key. "Perfect!"

(In the confessional, Courtney said, "Okay, so maybe it's not perfect _per se _but it's definitely better than any of the other choices. Even if all the other people who flocked to it are _total dorks."_)

"My, my, my, ladies… and Trent," DJ said, "You seem to have a lovely treasure there."

"It's beautiful, isn't it, DJ?" LeShawna asked.

"Mm-hm," he responded, smiling.

"Oh, there you are, Cody!" Sierra said, beaming, "What did you find?"

"Oh," Cody said, "It's just a key."

"A key?" Sierra said, "OMG! That's like Chekhov's Gun or something!"

"Thank you, Sierra," Noah said, "Would you care to tell us anything _else _we established fifteen minutes ago?"

"Well, I could tell you that Cody was hot, but that was established _way _more than fifteen minutes ago!"

(In the confessional, Noah said, "No one understands irony anymore.")

Chris called time, "Okay, everybody, stand near your treasure of choice." Duncan, Eva, Ezekiel, Alejandro, and Heather stood next to the large crystal; DJ, Gwen, Trent, and LeShawna stood holding the golden cross; and Cody, Noah, Harold, Beth, Courtney, and Sierra stood holding the key. Izzy, Lindsay, Bridgette, Tyler, and Owen just barely managed to dislodge the band in time.

"Hmm," Chris said, "There's a slight problem here. Six of you chose the key and only four of you chose the cross. So here's how it's going to work. The four of you who chose the cross are going to try to get one of the people who chose the key to change their mind."

"You don't need all those other intellectuals, Harold," LeShawna said, "You could be over here with us."

"Oh, but I'm so convinced that I was right the first time," Harold responded.

"Cody!" Gwen shouted, "Come stand with me."

"Well, it does sound tempting, but…" Cody said, "I stand by my answer."

"Look how _shiny _it is," DJ said, holding up the cross.

Sierra's eyes gleamed when she got the close look at it. "Good luck, Cody," she said, blowing a kiss, which caused him to recoil slightly.

"Alright," Chris said, "Now that it's all even… I hope you guys are getting pretty chummy with the people who picked the item with you because they are now _your teammates!"_

Noah, Cody, Beth, and Harold celebrated while Courtney stood around looking sad.

(In the confessional, Courtney said, "You know, I'm used to being the brains of my team but… now I'm on a team with Noah…_Mr. Know-it-all! _This is going to be an _absolute nightmare!_")

Eva, Ezekiel, Duncan, Heather, and Alejandro _all _groaned.

(In the confessional, Heather said, "Ugh! I can't believe I let Alejandro lead me onto this team with a bunch of _boys… _and _Eva! _Who practically counts…")

DJ, Gwen, LeShawna, Sierra, and Trent all celebrated. Trent smiled at Gwen.

Izzy and Owen hugged. Tyler and Lindsay hugged. Bridgette just stood in the middle of the two couples, trying not to look awkward.

"Now, these treasures _did _mean something and they are the nouns of your team. Key people, you picked it because it seemed practical, and because it would be illogical for me to put such a bad answer here unless it was right."

"That's right," Harold said, "You summed us up pretty well."

"For that, you are _The Brains. _Cross people, you picked it because it was beautiful and gave you thoughts of Romanticism, correct?" Chris asked.

"Well, yeah," Trent said, "That's why it's the most valuable. It's symbolic of beauty."

"Exactly," Chris said, "And that's why you guys are _The Beauties." _He turned once more. "Crystal people, you figured it must be the most valuable because it was the largest, correct?"

"Yeah," Duncan said, patting it, "Large and in charge."

"So for that, you are _The Brawns! _And finally, band people…" Chris laughed in his faux-innocuous way, "You decided to go out of your way to retrieve an item when there were three easily gathered ones. Why?"

"For the adventure!" Izzy shouted in a random Scottish accent, "After all, we of the highlands need to find the hardest treasures."

"You favor the one in the hard to reach place, so I'm going to call you guys _The Braves! _Now, the reason that I'm only giving you the _nouns _is so that you yourselves will come up with the adjectives."

"Valiant!" Tyler blurted out quickly, "Agreed?"

"Good one," Owen said, "The Valiant Braves."

(In the confessional, Owen said, "The Valiant Braves. The Valiant Braves. It really rolls off the tongue!")

"Hmm…" Trent said, "Well I mean, our team is three girls and two sensitive guys, so how about something soft?"

"The Soft Beauties?" Gwen asked, giving him a weird look.

"I was thinking more along the lines of Delicate," DJ said, which made LeShawna burst out laughing inexplicably. "What? Don't you like the name?"

"I think it's awesome!" Sierra said, "The Delicate Beauties!"

"I guess it works," Gwen said, shrugging.

(In the confessional, LeShawna was still laughing, and then she said, "Delicate," and continued laughing.)

"What should we call ourselves, gentlemen?" Heather asked.

Eva frowned. Then she blurted out, "Harsh!"

"The Harsh Brawns, eh?" Ezekiel asked, "Hmm…"

"But wouldn't Chris…" Alejandro began.

"I said, _harsh!" _Eva said, refusing to change her stance.

"Okay, fine," Alejandro conceded, "You're the boss!"

(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "It's possible Eva has a strategy to get us to all gang up on Chris. If so, I shouldn't mess with her plans.")

Cody and Beth looked at each other confusedly. "I have no idea what to call ourselves!" Beth shouted.

"How about something self-demonstrating, like 'sesquipedalian'?" Noah offered.

"Yeah!" Harold shouted, "That's a great idea! 'Sesquipedalian'! Anyone opposed?"

"I for one am for it," Courtney said.

(In the confessional, Courtney said, "I have to make a good impression! Otherwise my teammates will gang up on me and destroy me.")

Cody and Beth looked at each other helplessly. "Well, majority rules!" Harold said, "Sesquipedalian it is. Chris, we are the Sesquipedalian Brains."

Chris looked unimpressed. He said flatly, "You've gotta be kidding me."

"Yeah, good luck with that one Chris," Noah said, smiling.

"Alright, so the teams are the Delicate Beauties, the Valiant Braves, the Harsh Brawns, and the Sasquatch and Alien Brains."

"Sesquipedalian!" Harold corrected.

"Whatever. See which team will have to lose a person first on the next Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	2. Simon Says Citadel

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, the contestants were taken to the front of the fortress, where each one was expected to pick a treasure that fit them the best. The decision was tricky, but somehow, they all managed to break off into teams that everyone loves. Well, _almost _everyone. But even though the teams are just getting to know each other, one team will have to say goodbye today. Find out who it will be on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

The Sesquipedalian Brains walked up to the gate and opened it. "Hey!" Harold said, "Sweet!" Everybody walked inside the fortress. Chris led them to a chamber in the west wing. "This is the elimination chamber, where you take the Trap of Shame, if you don't receive one of these bags of pyrite. Voting works exactly how it did in season one; for those of you who weren't there that was…"

"A simple ballot box with occasional spoken votes," Sierra said, "I know all this already."

"Thank you for considering my existence, Sierra," Alejandro said flatly. They turned to see another familiar face in the room.

"There y'all are!" Chef Hatchet shouted, "I've been wondering what was taking so long."

"Oh, don't worry, Chef," Chris said, "We just had a little challenge outside."

"And you didn't invite me? That hardly seems fair!" Chef said, crossing his arms and looking angry.

"Why do you always do this in front of the kids?" Chris asked through gritted teeth. Chef turned away. Chris nervously chuckled, cleared his throat and said, "Come on, explorers, let's get ready for the first team challenge of the season. I call this challenge _Simon Says._"

"Wow," Duncan said, "Sounds _really _challenging!"

"It is. Believe me," Chris said, "Each team will be given one of these boards." He handed out the boards to each team.

"These boards all look qualitatively different," Harold began, "For instance our board has six times as many colored buttons as the Delicate Beauties'."

"Oh, yeah," Chris said, "I meant to tell you all that your teams condemn you to various disadvantages in most challenges. For example, in this one, you guys have the most buttons, the Hash Browns…" As Chris said this the Harsh Brawns all stood with their eyes narrowed, and Duncan and Eva had gritted teeth as well, "have a large board with far apart buttons; the Delicate Beauties have colors that are practically identical to each other, but not, and instead of the mere buzz you all should hear when you get one wrong, the Valiant Braves get _shocked!"_

"Oh boy!" Izzy shouted, causing Bridgette and Tyler but not Owen or Lindsay to give her a weird look.

"So what you have to do is stay in the game the longest. Once you get one wrong, you are out, and the next person on your team has to play. Last team standing wins the challenge. First team gone faces elimination."

"Oh, don't worry, we're gonna do swell, eh?" Ezekiel said, causing all of his teammates to flinch nervously.

(In the confessional, Eva said, "I can't believe I've been off the set for so long and when I finally get back I have to be on a team with HIM! AGAIN! Oh, well, I guess the bright side is that I won't get voted off my team first.")

(In the confessional, Ezekiel said, "I think Eva might be into me. She likes guys who complain, right? Maybe I should complain about how all my team is a bunch of jerks! That'll get her to fall for me.")

"Who goes first?" Harold asks, "I volunteer myself."

"Then what was the point of asking the question?" Noah asked exasperatedly.

"I was just trying to be polite!" Harold said, "But seriously, I'll go first."

(In the confessional, Harold said, "I'm really good at Simon. When I was a kid, I got the regional champion at the Simon tournament. Believe it. It exists.")

"Then I will go second," Courtney volunteered.

"Fine," Cody said, "I'll take third."

"I'll go fourth!" Beth offered.

"Then I guess I'll go last, assuming we actually do that horribly," Noah said, shrugging.

"Alright, everyone," Alejandro said, "We're going to go like so: me, Heather, Duncan, Eva, Ezekiel. Any questions?"

"Yeah," Eva asked, "Who died and made you king of the universe?"

"Patience, Eva," Alejandro said, stroking her cheek seductively causing her to gnash her teeth and her eyes to bulge out. "This plan will work."

"Alejandro, you're a jerk," Ezekiel shouted, "All of you are jerks, eh?"

"YOU stay out of this, homeschool," Eva said, crossing her arms.

(In the confessional, Eva said, "The NERVE! He touched me! Without my okay! I can't believe I'm stuck on a team with TWO misogynists! ERRRGGH!")

Trent offered Gwen the chance to go first. She blushed. "Oh, no, don't worry about me, Trent," she said, "I can go after you."

"But Gwen," Trent said, "You're the best person on our team."

"Mmm-hmm," LeShawna said, smiling in their general direction, "You sure are."

"There's no need to fight!" Sierra said. "We can draw straws!"

"Uh?" DJ asked, "Who's got straws?"

"I do," Sierra said, pulling some straws out of her pocket. Each person grabbed a straw. Trent got the short one.

"I guess you're going first," Gwen said, smiling.

"I guess so," Trent said, and then he laughed nervously, putting his hand behind his head. Gwen and Trent laughed together.

(In the confessional, Sierra said, "I can't believe my eyes! Is Gwent back? Either way, it's good for me because Cody is still available! Oh, how great!")

"Hmm? Who should go first?" Owen asked.

"Ooh! Pick me!" Izzy shouted, raising her hand wildly.

"No, pick me!" Tyler said, "I'm a terrific athlete!"

"We're not playing sports, Tyler," Bridgette gently reminded him.

"Oh, uh… right!" he said.

Izzy cleared her throat loudly and then said, "I _said, '_ooh pick me'," emphasizing every single word in the quote.

"Okay, Izzy, you're going first!" Owen said.

(In the confessional, Izzy said, "I used to play this game all the time in therapy. The doctors said that my devotion to it was 'troubling'. But I thought, wow, that's awesome!")

"Alright, explorers! Are you ready for the challenge?" Chris asked. "Well, if not, too bad, because it's starting!"

Each board began to blink a pattern of colors. At first it was only three but then it moved on to four, five, and six. The first person to screw up was Trent. A buzz was heard, and he handed the board to Gwen.

"Out people, get over there," Chris said, pointing to his right with his thumb. Trent walked over to the area and fell down a trap door.

"Trent!" Gwen asked, worried.

"Worry not," Chris said, "I guess I forgot to tell you, losers fall down a trap door. But don't worry; they're all okay. If they weren't I'd get sued!"

(In the confessional, Duncan said, "Gwen seemed pretty worried about Trent. _Too _worried if you know what I mean.")

The boards continued to change, when Alejandro screwed up. "Oops," he said, "I guess I wasn't infallible. Luckily, I know, _you _will be, Heather." He handed the board to her and she blushed. She stood aside from Gwen.

"So, for once we're on different teams, my _admirable _adversary," Gwen said, to Heather, emphasizing the word "admirable" ironically. Heather picked up on that and grumbled. "Too bad I'm going to kick your butt at this."

"Oh, really?" Heather asked, narrowing her eyes.

"Yeah, really," Gwen said, smiling smugly.

A buzz was heard from Heather's board. "Wha-what? You cheated!" she accused Gwen.

"It's not cheating," Gwen said, "It's only playing the game." Hearing this sort of ironic echo made Heather quite embarrassed, and she walked off the set and fell down the trap door after handing the board to Duncan.

(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "When Heather fell down on top of me, my heart raced! But when I thought about its meaning, my heart sank.")

"Wow, Harold," Cody said, "Keep it up!"

"Thanks," Harold said, continuing to press the buttons with perfect precision.

"Go, Izzy!" Owen said. "Izzy! Izzy! Izzy!" He expected Lindsay, Tyler, and Bridgette to join in, but they didn't.

"You're going down, Nerd Herd!" Izzy said, and then she turned to Noah and said, "No offense."

"None taken, Freak Brigade!" Noah called back.

Duncan asked Gwen, "Hey, are you and Trent… you know… a…?"

"Umm," Gwen said, blushing, "I… I don't know what you mean."

"It's cool if you are, Gwen," Duncan said, "You just have to tell me first."

"Yeah," Courtney shouted at him, "We _all _know how good _you_ are at that."

This distracted Duncan enough to fall out of the competition. "Alright, Eva, you've got this," Duncan said, tagging her.

"We're hosed," she said.

"Nonsense," Ezekiel said, "If you fail we've always got me, eh?"

"Exactly," she said, exasperatedly.

"We shouldn't pay attention to the jerks who just lost," Ezekiel said, "After all, our team is full of _jerks _and I really can't stand it."

"Ezekiel, shut up," Eva said, trying not to lose her temper, "It's really rather irritating."

"So, Eva…" Gwen said.

"Shut up, Gwen," Eva said, "I'm trying to concentrate."

"Suit yourself," Gwen said.

"Eva!" Izzy shouted, "En garde! I always wanted to say that while playing Simon with my feet." She was revealed to be doing exactly that.

"Izzy, _please _don't distract me," Eva said, "We're hosed enough as it is!"

"Oh, poo," Izzy said, "You really are a Negative Nelly."

"Don't. You. Dare," Noah said to Harold, narrowing his eyes.

"What? Hey, Eva! Having fun? I really enjoy this kind of game!" A buzz was heard from Eva's board. Her eyes averted to the general direction of Harold.

"You idiot!" Eva shouted, and then she started chasing after Harold.

"Wait, Eva! You forgot to give me my board, eh!" Ezekiel said, snagging the board from her before she fell down the trap door unwillingly.

Harold running from Eva caused him to lose. Noah was not even _slightly _amused. "Oh, I guess that's what you were trying to warn me against. Sorry, bro," Harold said, looking sheepish.

"I am not your 'bro'," Noah said, madly, just before the trap door opened under Harold. "Now we have to rely on," he deeply sighed, "Courtney."

"And what is _that _supposed to mean?" Courtney asked, "_I _happen to be _very good _at this."

"Better than Izzy?" Noah asked incredulously, as the redhead continued to hit every color every time correctly.

"Yeah, go Izzy!" Owen shouted. "Join in, guys!" Tyler and Lindsay joined in, but Bridgette did not.

(In the confessional, Bridgette said, "After seeing what happened to Eva, I don't know if excessive cheering is really going to_ help_ Izzy. Maybe it'll make her fail.")

"Bring it on, ladies!" Izzy said, "I'm going to wipe the floor with you!"

"Oh, oh no," Courtney muttered when she saw that she was outmatched.

"Can't keep up anymore," Gwen said, as the buzz was heard, "It's up to you now LeShawna." She handed over the board.

"Are you kidding me?" LeShawna asked, her eyes widening, "I have to fight _her?"_

Izzy continued to press every single button right every single time, and by this point the pattern had gotten so long and convoluted that the following conversation happened over the string of a single repetition.

"You know, Izzy," Ezekiel began, "The only reason that my team is losing is karma for all the jerks."

"That's great, Zeke!" she said, continuing to hit the buttons. "But don't you have a pattern to follow?"

Ezekiel then realized that he had forgotten to push the buttons and the buzz was heard. "Whuh-oh," he said, as he fell into the trap.

"And the winners are _the Valiant Braves!" _Chris shouted.

"Oh, boy, sweet!" Izzy said, "Permission to get one wrong!"

"Izzy, NO!" Owen shouted, but it was too late. She had pressed the wrong button and ended up shocking herself. Her hair stood straight up and she was dizzy. "Izzy, are you okay?" Owen asked.

"I'm…I'm…" Izzy said, her eyes trying to focus, "That was amazing. I want to do it again."

Tyler held her back, saying, "No."

"Party pooper," she muttered.

"Izzy, here is the key to the next layer," Chris said, handing her the key, which shocked her again with static electricity. "You've earned the right to open it. Now, Harsh Brawns, meet me in the elimination chamber."

Ezekiel said to Eva, "What do you say you and I vote off one of these jerks? Like Alejandro, for example. He's _such _a jerk."

"Yeah," Eva said, "I plan to vote him off, just as soon as I take care of some other business."

"Wait, what other business?" Ezekiel asked, clueless. Then he smiled and said, "Oh, I gotcha. You want to vote off _Heather, _don't you?"

"…Something like that," Eva said, and then she walked away from him, annoyed.

The votes were cast, and Chris collected them. "Alright, Harsh Brawns. Lackluster performance today. So one of you is going home. These bags of pyrite go to… Duncan, Eva, Heather, and… Alejandro."

"Yes," Alejandro said, receiving his symbol of safety.

"Wh-what? No!" Ezekiel said, "There must be some sort of misunderstanding!"

"Really," Chris said flatly, "You're going to try that again? Face it, Zeke, you kind of _suck."_

"NO!" he protested, "I don't suck! I _don't!" _The trap door was opened, and he screamed as he fell.

"Now that the Hash Browns," Chris began.

"HARSH BRAWNS!" Heather shouted angrily.

"Now that the Hash Browns are an all bully team, is doom spelled for the Sasquatch Pedal-In Brains?"

"Yes!" Duncan shouted.

"No!" Eva corrected.

"Will Izzy be okay? Will anyone on the Delicate Beauties do anything interesting? Find out next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	3. Obstacle Fort

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, we went inside the fortress where the contestants were made to play a little familiar game, with some pretty intense variations. It was pretty plain for some and rather _shocking _for others. In the end, the Braves were able to get the key, and the Brawns had to say goodbye to Ezekiel. Ha, good riddance. Who will be the next to go? Find out, on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

The Valiant Braves approached the gate. "Oh, boy!" Izzy shouted, "I'm so glad that we get to open the gate! Goody!" She clapped her hands together.

"Would you like to do the honors, Bridgette?" Owen asked, smiling.

"I… I guess," Bridgette said.

(In the confessional, Bridgette said, "I know that Owen is going out of his way to be nice to me, but he must have some reason for doing so. I mean, with him and Izzy, and with Lindsay and Tyler on this team, I kind of feel like a fifth wheel.")

Bridgette opened the gate, and they walked inside, followed by the Sesquipedalian Brains, the Delicate Beauties, and the Harsh Brawns.

"Explorers, welcome to the challenge of the day. Today's challenge is an obstacle course."

"How original," Noah commented.

"Oh, it will be," Chris said, "Because Chef decided what the obstacles were going to be himself. Oh, and they're _very _troubling."

"Not for us," Alejandro said melodramatically, "After all _we _are the Harsh Brawns. We can take on any challenge."

"What about the last challenge?" Gwen asked.

"No comment," Alejandro responded.

"And need I remind you, Alexander the Greatly Inferior_, _that _our _treasure _was _the most valuable?" Noah added.

"Leave me alone," Alejandro said. "I don't want to deal with you right now."

"Of course not," Noah said, "You'd much rather take flack from your _girlfriend_."

(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "I'm sure that Noah was just jesting with irony, again. There is no way that Heather would give me flack right now… right?")

"Gwen, Noah, shut up!" Heather shouted, "This is our time to shine, and there's nothing you can do about it."

"I think that we can do something about it," Cody said, shrugging.

"Yeah, that's right!" Harold shouted, "We're going to go all the way."

"Yeah," Duncan said, "Good luck with that, losers."

(In the confessional, Harold said, "I think that I need to beat Duncan for once. It would be good for my pride, and it would be bad for his ego. I can just hear his narcissism breaking down now," then he laughed evilly, paused, and said, "I'm not insane.")

"Hey, Bridgette," Owen said, and then he hugged her. She grinned awkwardly.

"Oh, hi… Owen," she said.

"I was just going to tell you that I want to have a team party right after the challenge! You know, for ice breaking and stuff," he said, shyly.

"That's… that's sweet," Bridgette said.

(In the confessional, Bridgette said, "Owen's trying really hard to include me. I guess I should give him credit for that. But there is no way that anyone _actually _wants me there.")

DJ looked at the obstacle course ahead and sighed. "What's the matter, big guy?" LeShawna asked.

"Oh, it just looks really dangerous…" DJ said, pressing his fingers together.

"Relax," Trent said, "We're going to be fine. I'm sure. I have Gwen to protect me."

"Um…" Gwen said, blushing, "I'm going to protect you? Wouldn't it be the other way around?"

"Maybe if this was feudalism, girl," LeShawna said. DJ and Trent gave her a strange look. "What? Harold's contagious."

Sierra laughed uncontrollably, and Gwen had to ask what she was laughing so hard about. "Oh, nothing," she responded, wiping a tear from her eye, "I was just thinking about how hilarious it would be if Alejandro fell on his butt in this race."

"Or Heather," Gwen said, grinning, and joining in the laughter.

"Explorers! This will be a relay. Each person will complete a different leg of the obstacle course. The winning team will be the first one to completely cross the finish line. The last one to pass it faces elimination. Now, because the Brawns are down a man, someone will have to offer to compete in two legs of the race," Chris introduced.

"I will," Eva and Duncan said in unison.

"Wanna fight for it?" Duncan asked.

"I don't see why not," Eva responded. They began wrestling. In the end, Eva was victorious. Duncan grumbled. "Okay, I'm your woman."

"Alright, now, everyone reach your starting positions," Chris said. The first leg was posited by Eva, Gwen, Izzy, and Courtney; the second by LeShawna, Tyler, and Harold, with the promise of Eva traveling through it after completing the first leg; the third by Duncan, Sierra, Bridgette, and Cody; the fourth by Alejandro, DJ, Owen, and Beth; and the final leg by Heather, Trent, Lindsay, and Noah. "Ready? Go!"

Eva, Gwen, Izzy, and Courtney started running.

"Eat my dust, ladies!" Eva shouted, as she easily ran through a hoop of fire. Izzy followed immediately afterwards, jumping through it in a spectacular manner.

Gwen nervously looked at it. Courtney pushed her aside, and said, "Out of my way!" She climbed through the hoop and her pants ended up flaming. "Oh crap!" she shouted, trying to fan the flames. While she was standing there, Gwen passed through the hoop as if it was nothing special.

"Thanks for the motivation, Courtney," she said. Gwen's confidence subsided a little when she noticed Eva and Izzy were already climbing up a wall, and that the latter was already more than halfway up. She sprinted to the wall, and grabbed onto the rocks, although she was really tired by this point. By the time she reached the top, Courtney had already put the fire out and had caught up to her.

"You know I'm gonna get you, Gwen!" Courtney shouted.

Izzy and Eva had reached a ravine. "Oh, sweet!" Izzy said, "This is exactly the kind of obstacle that I love." She jumped the gap. "Come on, Eva, what are you, chicken?"

Eva looked alarmed.

(In the confessional, Eva said, "Not wanting to fall to my doom doesn't make me a chicken, does it?")

Gwen and Courtney both ran past Eva and leaped across the ravine. Just before doing so, Gwen said, "No time to talk, Eva! I've got a race to win."

Eva's eyes narrowed. "Oh, yeah, well let's just see about that." She jumped the gap, although due to her shorter legs and heavier build, she narrowly missed falling into the ravine.

Izzy tagged Tyler, who had to skip across a trail of rocks. Soon afterward, Gwen tagged LeShawna. Finally, Courtney tagged Harold.

Tyler tried to skip across the rocks but failed epically. He fell into the water, picked himself up, and started again.

LeShawna stared at the rocks, and then at her body, and then she looked very nervous. Harold said, "It's okay, LeShawna. Don't think about your weight. Pretend that you're on the moon, or some other celestial object with limited gravity."

"You always know the right thing to say," LeShawna said, smiling, pretending she was on the moon, and skipping across the rocks. Tyler, who had fallen back into the water off-screen, picked himself out of the water and spit a significant amount out.

(In the confessional, Tyler said, "I know that if _I _said that to LeShawna, she'd kill me! But Harold gets away with it because she likes him. Aren't girlfriends great?")

"Out of my way!" Eva shouted as she began to skip across the rocks too. Tyler was still struggling to get across the rocks when LeShawna, Harold, and Eva got to a chute.

"This chute leads to Cody!" Harold shouted, "Sweet! I'm gonna make it first!" He slid out and then LeShawna followed after but became lodged in the exit.

"MOVE!" Eva shouted, kicking LeShawna out of the way.

LeShawna, a little bit dizzy, tagged Sierra, as Harold tagged Cody. Eva tagged Duncan, who said, "Thanks," and started to race them. He turned to Bridgette and said, "I guess your guy hasn't shown up yet, hm?"

"I…I…He will," Bridgette said, "I hope."

(In the confessional, Bridgette said, "Okay, I really didn't think that Tyler was planning to sabotage me, just because I'm the only one… not… in a couple… on this team. But it was still worrying!")

Tyler fell down the chute and landed on his face. "Your turn, Bridgette," he said, tagging her.

By that point, Cody, Sierra, and Duncan had already reached the next obstacle. "Oh, boy!" Sierra said, "A swinging axe! That looks really dangerous. Oh, isn't this exciting, Cody?"

"Yeah," Cody said sarcastically, "A real thrill."

"Last one there's a stinky loser!" Duncan shouted as he did a power slide under the axe. Cody growled.

"Cody, did you remember to eat breakfast today, because…" Sierra began.

"Come on," he said, dragging Sierra by her wrist, "We can't risk Duncan beating either of us."

"But Cody," Sierra said with glimmering eyes, "We're on different teams."

"I know," Cody said, "And I'm going to stop helping you once we get ahead of Duncan." She nodded in approval, as she leaped over the axe at full force. He did the limbo under it, and was able to narrowly avoid being cut by it.

Bridgette finally reached the position, when she said, "Oh, boy…" She tried to walk by the axe, but it ended up cutting off a significant part of her ponytail. "Oh, boy…" she said again, as she finally got through the axe.

"Oh, no," Cody said, "A swinging rope."

"What's wrong, loser? You scared?" Duncan asked.

"N-No, it's just that I've never been good at this in gym class…" Cody said sheepishly. Duncan laughed his head off at Cody, which caused Sierra to knock him over. "Ow," he said, as he rubbed his head.

(In the confessional, Duncan said, "I really don't think she counts as _delicate. _Or a beauty for that matter.")

"It's okay, Cody," Sierra said, "We'll go together." She offered her arm to him. He ran towards the rope at full force and, screaming his head off, made it to the other side. Sierra looked dumbfounded. She shrugged, and then grabbed onto the rope and followed Cody.

Duncan finally got up, and when he did so, he ran into Bridgette who looked extremely tired and sweaty. "Hey, Bridge," Duncan said, "Took you long enough."

"I know, I know," she said, frantically. "Now I need to get across."

"Alright," Duncan said, "Fair enough. I'll meet you on the other side!" He grabbed the swinging rope and was taken to the other side, where he tried to catch up to Cody and Sierra, but by the time he got there, Cody had already tagged Beth, and Sierra had already tagged DJ. To make matters worse, when he found Alejandro, he was asleep. "Wake up!" he shouted.

"Oh, is it my turn already? My, time flies when one falls asleep," Alejandro said. Duncan was not amused, but Alejandro managed to get back in the race by the time Bridgette got to the other side.

"Owen? Owen!" Bridgette shouted.

"Oh, hey Bridgette!" Owen said, accepting her tag, "How are you?"

"I'm fine," Bridgette said. Then, looking nervous, she asked, "Why?"

"Just because I was getting worried about you. Gotta go!" Owen said. Bridgette sighed.

(In the confessional, Bridgette said, "He was 'getting worried about' me. That means I was late. How could I show my face at the party now?")

Beth and DJ were confronted with a cauldron in front of a rapidly spinning thing. "What are we supposed to do with this?" Beth asked DJ, confused.

"I think that it's supposed to be stirred," DJ said, stirring the pot. This caused the rapidly spinning thing to slow down, revealing itself to be a revolving door, which DJ walked through.

"Wait, DJ!" Beth shouted, "I'm coming too!" By the time Beth reached the door, however, it had returned to spinning rapidly.

"Oh, boy!" Owen shouted when he reached it, "Soup!"

"Do not eat the soup, Owen," Alejandro said, angrily, lifting the ladle out of the pot. A large stalactite fell from the ceiling onto Alejandro's head.

"No making the game impossible," Chris said, not amused. "Or you get punished by falling objects."

"Making the game impossible?" Alejandro asked, putting the ladle back in the pot. Beth quickly stirred it and then ran through the revolving door. Owen and Alejandro looked at that, and then started to fight over the ladle. Suddenly, Owen accidentally knocked the pot on Alejandro's head, and then the revolving door stopped.

"Oh, great," Alejandro said, covered in soup, "Now the door's _broken. Thanks a lot, _Owen!"

"Okay," Owen said, "We can figure this out." Owen charged through the revolving door causing it to shatter. Alejandro followed soon after, and got ahead of him, when he stopped to heal his wounds.

A vertical door was opening and closing right in front of DJ, who offered to let Beth go first. "Thanks, DJ," Beth said, as she leapt through it, although she had some trouble at first. DJ was about to go in after her, when Alejandro requested that he and Owen be granted entrance first. DJ declined, because he got there first fair and square.

(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "Getting there first _fair and square? _That didn't stop him from letting _Beth _cut.")

Beth reached Noah and tagged him. Seconds later, DJ tagged Trent. They quickly walked to an area with several platforms. Some of them were shooting off of the ground by steam periodically. Noah noticed that the next portion of the race was on a raised location. He said, "Oh. Fun."

"I don't know," Trent said, "It looks pretty easy to me."

"That's what they all say," Noah said, as he watched Trent walk onto a platform which raised him into the air.

"Whoa, this is pretty hot!" Trent said.

"Gee, _you think?" _Noah asked.

"How about helping your team instead of teasing me?" Trent asked.

"I got time," Noah said.

Alejandro tagged Heather, and Owen tagged Lindsay. Heather then ran to the platforms. Owen had to point Lindsay in the correct direction.

"Okay, now," Noah said, and then he started leaping over the platforms as quickly as possible, screaming. Heather leaped across with no effort whatsoever, and beat Noah to the other side. "Of course you got here before me. You live in a location hotter than this."

"I don't!" Heather protested.

"Where am I going?" Lindsay asked on the other side of the platforms.

Chris turned her the right way, not amused, and said, "That way."

"Oh," Lindsay said, laughing. Then she started to hop across the platforms.

"Now we're home free," Trent shouted. "We just have to deal with this." There was a tunnel covered in sludge that they had to go through.

"Yeah," Noah said, "We're 'home free', alright! Hey, while you're saying that, why don't you say that you 'won'?"

"Is that sludge even _non-toxic?" _Heather asked, terrified.

"Of course," Chris said, shrugging, "It wouldn't clear legal if it wasn't… or _would _it?"

"I am _not _going there," Noah said, "I don't care if I forfeit the race, come in last, and get voted off for being lazy again!"

"Oh, no," Heather said, "If anyone gets to _not touch that, _it's me."

"Umm, hello?" Trent said, "I'm not thrilled about it either!"

"No forfeiting, _Noah. _And the rest of you have to go through the tunnel too," Chris said, crossing his arms.

"Ugh, _fine," _Heather said, crawling through the sludge. "That is so gross!" she said, sputtering.

"Well, at least it's been proven non-lethal," Trent said, sliding through it.

"True," Noah said, shrugging. He held his nose and traveled through the tunnel.

Lindsay finally made it across the platforms, when Chris told her, "Your team's at a bit of a disadvantage now."

"Oh," she said, and then she saw the tunnel. "Is that _my_ tunnel?"

"Yes," Chris said.

"Like, okay," Lindsay said, and then she crawled through it without a second thought until she got out and saw how messy she was. "Oh, no!" she shouted.

"Yes," Trent said, "The key is in my sights!" He grabbed the key, causing Heather to complain. Noah nonchalantly walked to the finish when he realized there was no way for Lindsay to catch up to him in time.

"Okay, so the Delicate Beauties win! Unfortunately for the Valiant Braves, they have to say goodbye to someone today," Chris said.

"Oh, well," Owen said, "We did our best."

"That's right," Izzy said. Bridgette looked upset.

"Like we said, before the elimination, let's have one last party together," Owen said. "Meet you near the entrance of this room!"

Chris looked at his watch. Owen, Izzy, Tyler, and Lindsay were all sitting around, waiting for Bridgette. "Okay, guys, we don't have all day for you to pick someone to eliminate."

Owen sadly said, "She didn't come."

"Oh, look on the bright side, Owen!" Izzy said, "Now we don't have to play rock paper scissors to see who to eliminate!"

"Eliminate Bridgette?" Owen asked, frowning, "But she was just barely becoming a member of our group as it was!"

"It's clear that she wanted better things," Tyler said, "I say we eliminate her."

"Listen to your heart, Owen," Izzy said, "Bridgette crushed it."

"I… I guess…" Owen said, still frowning.

They met in the elimination chamber. Izzy and Tyler were glaring at Bridgette. Owen looked very disappointed. Bridgette shied away sheepishly. "Okay, guys," Chris said, "Remember that whoever doesn't get a bag of pyrite has to fall down the Trap of Shame. And the pyrite goes to Izzy, Owen, Lindsay and… Tyler."

Bridgette looked disappointed. "I knew it. I knew it," she said, crying.

"Bridgette," Owen said, "I didn't vote for you!"

"You… you didn't?" Bridgette asked, "But I'm the fifth wheel."

"Nonsense! This isn't a double date! It's a _team._ That's why I was so sad you didn't come to my party…" Owen said.

"Sad?" Bridgette asked, "I thought you were only inviting me to be nice!"

"It's _never only _that," Owen protested, but before they could have more of their heartwarming moment, Bridgette fell down the Trap of Shame.

"So… you voted for me?" Tyler asked, offended.

"Umm, sorry!" Owen said, sheepishly.

"Will Tyler forgive Owen for his little faux pas? Will the Say-Squish-a-Nail-in Brains actually get a rank that matters? Will Heather, Noah, or Lindsay ever be able to wash the sludge out of their hair? Find out the answers to some of these questions, next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"

Author's Note: By the way, Trent isn't mentioned because his hair is too short for Chris to find it a cumbersome task. By this point, Heather's hair has grown out to a length at least comparable to Noah's.


	4. Maps Avenger

Chris introduced the show, "Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to brave a series of obstacles to reach the keys. Things got a little _heated, _and we narrowly avoided a _messy _forfeiture from three of our teams. The Beauties took the key for the day, but the Braves had to say goodbye to Bridgette. Man, she _really _should have gone to Owen's party." He laughed. "Who will go next time? Find out, on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"

Trent held the key. He handed it to Gwen. "You open it," he said. She smiled. So did LeShawna.

(In the confessional, LeShawna said, "Spit it out, girl! I know you're dying to!")

Gwen opened the door, and walked through it, followed by Trent, LeShawna, Sierra, and DJ. Then the Sesquipedalian Brains walked in, followed by the Harsh Brawns, and finally the Valiant Braves. Owen was visibly sniffling.

"It's okay, Owen," Izzy said, "We all have to say goodbye to someone at some point."

"I just… miss her so much!" Owen said, wiping his nose on his arm.

Lindsay gave him a hug, and said, "There, there, it's alright."

This display of affection was immediately juxtaposed by the Sesquipedalian Brains.

"Noah," Courtney said, holding her nose, "You smell like crap."

"Gee, you think?" Noah asked, clearly annoyed.

"Yeah, Courtney," Cody said, "Give him a break. He did what I'm sure you never would have done."

"Well," Courtney said, putting up her nose, "It's not dignified."

"You think I _wanted _to do it? Earth to Courtney; I _had no choice!_" Noah shouted. "And if I didn't, I wouldn't still be here, so our team would be more likely to fall for _your _guise of intelligence."

(In the confessional, Courtney said, "Guise? GUISE! The nerve of that Noah… oh, he is _so _going to get eliminated!")

"Explorers!" Chris shouted, "Meet me in the center of the room." They did. "Okay, now the challenge today will require you to find the key, using one of these sets of instructions or maps. Braves, you get a map with no indication of where the hazards are. Beauties, you get a set of instructions with no way of telling whether or not you've reached the place you're supposed to turn at. Brawns, you get a map with hazards listed but without any walls drawn. And Brains… well, you guys get these instructions and this scrambled map, which may give you some… hmm… contradictory information."

"Oh, sweet! A test of insight," Harold said, "We are so going to win this one!"

"I call Murphy's Law," Noah said.

"Gosh," Harold said, "I guess you're right… I mean, _we're definitely not going to win this one. _Gosh, I sure hope we _lose!"_

Trent prepared his team. "Okay, so we have these instructions," he said. "DJ, it's your job to check for dead-ends. LeShawna, you look out for hazards. Sierra, it's your job to spot the key."

DJ said, "But checking for dead-ends is so much work, can't I have someone else to help me?"

"Of course," Trent said, "Gwen and I will work together to try to find the right path." He held her against himself. Gwen blushed.

(In the confessional, Trent said, "Things are gonna change, I can feel it. I'm getting her back.")

"Okay," Izzy said, "Now we don't have any idea where the hazards are! Fun!"

"Umm…" Tyler said, "I don't know if that's actually fun…"

"Like, don't worry!" Lindsay said, "I know these guys will get us out safely."

"You know," Tyler said, "I guess I can trust that."

(In the confessional, Tyler said, "Izzy and Owen have some sort of hazard immunity. But I don't. I'm sure I'm going to accidentally set one off and then get eliminated.")

"No walls?" Duncan asked, "I guess we can just walk through them then."

"It's simple," Alejandro said, "These hazards are all near the wall. Notice how they form a linear pattern right there."

"Okay," Eva said, pointing out a flaw, "Then how do you explain this abrupt turn in the map with the hazard directly to the right of one facing another direction?"

"Okay, so maybe they are the middle of the hall, and we should avoid that and hug the wall," Alejandro said, "Come along, my comrades."

Heather followed, and Duncan and Eva did so as well, begrudgingly.

(In the confessional, Eva said, "Nothing's worse than a Justin clone who thinks he's Noah. Dumb Alejandro barely even thinks anything through, and just hopes we won't notice. But I _notice."_)

"Okay," Noah said, "We follow the map."

"Why?" Courtney asked, "It's all mixed up!"

"Yeah, it's scrambled. It wouldn't be scrambled if the information was wrong anyway. Besides, what would be the point of giving us instructions that were perfect?" Noah asked.

"I don't know, maybe to _trick us!" _Courtney said, "We have to think of everything."

"Like how we would easily be tricked if we just assumed that the instructions were correct? Honestly, Courtney, just because you've gotten farther than I have in the past doesn't make me dumber than you!" Noah retorted.

"But who has more experience in the field, Noah?" Courtney asked, frowning. Harold, Cody, and Beth all frowned.

"Okay," Noah said, "Let's put it to a vote. All for my plan?" Cody and Beth raised their hands proudly, and then Harold tentatively followed suit. "Very well."

(In the confessional, Courtney said, "I can't believe it! They picked his plan over mine! Unanimously! Why? _I'm _the one with credentials!")

Trent and Gwen were following a path, and the latter was marking their progress with a pencil. "How's it going, DJ?" Trent asked, "DJ?" They looked down a side path that he had gone into a while back, and saw LeShawna running out screaming.

"What's wrong, LeShawna?" Gwen asked worriedly, "What happened?"

"It's DJ, he fell in a pitfall!" LeShawna said.

"Is he okay?" Trent asked.

"I don't know," LeShawna said, "Let's go look for him."

"I'll keep following your path," Sierra said, "May I have your pencil?"

"Okay," Gwen said, handing it over.

"Thank you," Sierra said, as she continued to walk the path.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "Okay, so when Sierra is separated from Cody, she's actually _sane. _I should remember that.")

"Okay, Alejandro," Eva said, "There are pitfalls over here. So why don't you go into one of them?"

"Silly Eva," Alejandro said, touching her cheek again, "This is about winning, not losing." Heather looked astonished.

(In the confessional, Heather said, "Alejandro is resorting to flirting with _Eva! _I can't believe how low he's gone!")

Eva punched him. "Don't patronize me!" she shouted. "I was telling you to buzz off!"

"Buzz off?" Alejandro asked, "Me? How about we win, and then no one will have to buzz off."

"So, Eva," Heather said, "Alejandro seems pretty into you."

"Please," Eva said, "He's not into me. He's just trying to get me to fall for him. But it's not gonna work!"

"Good," Heather said, "Because I don't want the only other girl on my team falling for…"

"The same guy you did?" Eva finished. Heather blushed.

Tyler was walking very tentatively through the hallway, but unfortunately that didn't stop him from falling in a pitfall. He screamed. Lindsay heard him, and looked around, alarmed. "Tyler?" she asked.

"I'm okay, Lindsay!" he said. She looked down to see him at the bottom.

"Tyler, I'll get you out of there!" she shouted, and then dove in after him.

"Guys," Izzy said, looking impatient, "I ain't got all day!" She picked up a random rope, and handed it down to them. Lindsay and Tyler were able to escape the pitfall.

"Izzy," Tyler asked, "Where'd you get that rope?"

"The rope… uhm… umm… I don't really remember!" she said, shrugging.

"Come on, guys!" Owen shouted, "I've almost found the key!"

"Okay," Izzy said, "That's great! Come on, everyone! Follow Owen!"

(In the confessional, Tyler said, "Okay, it doesn't seem like my team is that mad at me! But who knows what would happen if we lost again?")

"The map is methodically arranged," Noah said, "I figured out the pattern and was able to make a new map on the back."

"How do you know you did it right?" Courtney asked, expecting a blank stare.

"Do you _see _a flaw?" he asked, giving it to her to look at.

"Well, look, see here you have a hazard that looks very out of place," she said, pointing to the same one Eva had pointed to earlier.

"Okay," Noah said, "Would you care to go there and test if the hazard is just part of my _stupid unthinking plan_ that _totally doesn't work at all?"_

(In the confessional, Harold said, "Gosh! This is an argument between the valedictorian and the 99th percentile standardized-test-taker! It's like watching God trying to argue with Zeus!")

"Guys," Cody said, "If you could quit arguing for just a minute, we wouldn't be losing." He pointed to the three teams who all passed them by.

"We're losing!" Courtney said, "So your plans aren't working."

"Is _that _it, Courtney? Then why are we _making progress with them?"_ Noah asked, offended.

"No time to argue!" Cody said, grabbing the map, "We have to follow this and finish."

Cody grabbed Noah and Beth's arms, and told Harold and Courtney to follow suit. Harold obliged, but Courtney didn't, until Harold pulled her along.

Cody ran through the hallways on Noah's map, avoiding every single hazard.

"My map made _Cody _hazard-proof, Courtney!" Noah said smugly.

"That doesn't matter!" Courtney shouted, "We're still losing."

(In the confessional, Courtney said, "I can't believe Noah's being such an insufferable genius! I'm sure the rest of my team is sick of him too. After all, _my _plans were completely superior.")

"Oh, hi, Cody!" Sierra said, waving to him in the hallway.

"Can't talk, Sierra, we have a race to win," Cody said.

Sierra smiled at him and said, "Okay, go ahead and win the race… wait…" She got a competitive look in her eyes, and said, "Not if I get there first!"

Trent, Gwen, and LeShawna were trailing behind, following the pencil line Sierra had left for them. DJ was following too, although he was limping, shouting "Ow," repeatedly, and he looked as though he had been cramped.

"Come on," Sierra shouted, "Are we gonna let those brainiacs beat us?"

"No, of course not," LeShawna said, "Regardless of how cute some of them are."

"OMG, INO!" Sierra shouted.

Trent and Gwen picked up the pace too. Unfortunately, DJ was having trouble doing so. That was only hindered when Owen accidentally knocked him over. He turned around and said, "Sorry, DJ."

"It's fine," DJ responded, obviously in pain.

"Let's get the key!" Izzy shouted, following Owen, and clinging to his shoulders.

"Wait for me!" Tyler shouted, before he tripped over himself. Lindsay looked concerned and picked him up.

"Race you to the key, Eva!" Duncan shouted.

"I'm gonna get there first!" she said.

"Oh, really?" Duncan asked.

"There is no time for racing with each other!" Alejandro shouted, "We have to make sure not to lose to the other teams."

"Alright, alright," Heather said, "Let's go!"

All four teams had reached what the ending was supposed to be.

"What?" Sierra asked upon seeing a blank pedestal. "Where's the key?"

"It's in the room," Noah said, "That might mean that it's literally in a wall."

"Or it could mean you were _wrong!"_ Courtney commented. "And…and… everyone else was misled the same way…"

"I like Noah's idea better," Beth said, as she began to scan the wall for a key.

"Thank you, Beth," Noah said. Cody helped scan the wall, as did Harold.

"No good," Harold said, "I don't see any protrusions."

"I do," Eva said, punching the wall. She reached out an item from the wall. It said, _Second Place Decoy._ "Oh, crap…"

"Don't worry," Heather said, "Second place is safe from elimination."

"Keep scanning," Noah said, "It's obvious that my plan was in fact, right all along."

"Well, maybe you should help!" Courtney said, pushing him in.

"Noah's helped all day," Cody said, "What have you done for us, Courtney? Maybe _you _should help us scan."

"I found it! I found it!" Izzy shouted. Then she looked at the key, and it said _Third Place Decoy. _"Oops. I guess I found the wrong one!"

"It's okay," Owen said, "We all make mistakes. Besides, we're safe from elimination! YES!"

"Okay, now or never!" Cody said, still frantically scanning for the object.

Noah whispered to him, "Maybe we should scan the floor."

"Or the ceiling!" Harold said, looking up. "GOSH! Unfair!"

"Umm, yeah," Chris said, as he looked in on them in the key room. "Have we met?"

"Quickly," Noah said, "Hoist me on your shoulders before DJ gets the key…"

Harold was about to oblige the request, but it was too late. DJ looked up and stood on his tiptoes, digging the key out of the ceiling. "Alright!" he shouted, "We win again!"

"Of course we did," Trent said, "We have Gwen on our team."

"Oh, please," Gwen said, "I'm not a win magnet."

"Actually, given your track record, you kind of are," Sierra said. "You were always on the team that won the most."

"Yeah, but so was Heather," Gwen said, "And her team lost first this time!"

"Which means _you _must be the lucky charm," Trent said smiling at her.

"Okay, so the Beauties win! Unfortunately for the Cesspool Italian Brains…" Chris began.

"It's not that hard to say! Gosh!" Harold said.

"They have to pick someone to vote off today. See you in the elimination."

The votes were cast.

(In the confessional, each vote was shown. "Courtney," Cody said, "She's giving us all a hard time."

"Courtney," Harold said, "She put us greatly behind."

"Courtney," Beth chose, "There's no excuse for being that conceited!"

Noah shouted, "Courtney, Courtney, COURTNEY! Erm, that should only count once."

"I vote for Noah!" Courtney said, "And I have no problem believing that everyone else did the same.")

"Okay," Chris said, "Today, you're going to receive your bags of pyrite except for one of you. And the bags go to Cody, Beth, Harold, and… Noah. Congratulations."

"Yes!" Noah shouted, "First safety symbol _ever."_

Courtney was aghast. "What!" she asked, "What? You guys picked _Noah _over _me! _But he was insufferable."

"Hi, Pot, my name is Kettle. Nice to meet you," Noah said, offering his handshake ironically.

"I don't need your condescending," Courtney said, narrowing her eyes. "Okay, someone must have switched the votes! Right?"

"Umm," Cody said.

"Err," Harold said.

"Ehhh," Beth said.

"Sayonara, wannabe," Noah said, flicking his wrist in her general direction.

"It's in my contract that I can't lose this early, right?" Courtney asked.

Chris responded, "Nope. I don't know where you'd get that idea from! Time to fall down the Trap of Shame."

"DIE, CHRIS!" Courtney shouted out as she fell down. Noah and Cody looked visibly concerned as she fell, even wincing when she landed.

"Will the Delicate Beauties keep up their winning streak? Will we say goodbye to someone on that team? And seriously, is this fortress awesome or what? Find out next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	5. Battlezone Royale

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to literally explore the fortress, with some help which may or may not have actually been helpful. Some people, like DJ and Tyler, _fell down _on the job. The Beauties got to continue their winning streak, but the Brains had to lose Courtney. Or should I say, _got _to lose Courtney? Who will have to end their journey today? Find out on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

"You should open the door, big guy," LeShawna said to DJ, "You did get the key after all."

"Yeah," DJ said, smiling, "I guess I did." DJ used the key to open the door, and his team walked inside, him followed by LeShawna, Sierra, and Gwen and Trent together. The Harsh Brawns followed them in, then the Valiant Braves, and finally the Sesquipedalian Brains.

"Okay," Chris said, "Today, you have to fight a tournament."

"A karate tournament?" Harold asked.

"Anything. Goes," Chris responded, "Now, here's how it will work. This will be a team match with two rounds. The first round decides who will fight for the key and who will fight for safety from elimination. The second round will give one of the first group the key, and the one who loses the second group has to eliminate someone."

"Alright," Duncan said, "This is our turf. You're going down, Brains!"

"Yeah, you wish, _Duncan," _Harold responded.

"Now, in the interest of not getting ties," Chris said, "One member of each team is going to have to offer not to fight. In the case of the Beauties, since you have an extra person, you will have to have two people offer not to fight."

"I w…" DJ began, but LeShawna cut him off.

"_Ahem, Gwen _and _Trent _are willing to sit this one out," she said. Gwen blushed, and Trent smiled.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "If I didn't know any better, I'd say LeShawna was playing Cupid with me and Trent.")

(In the confessional, LeShawna said, "Girl needs to learn who really loves her again. That's all _I'm _trying to do.")

"Okay, I vote Lindsay!" Izzy shouted, "She's too pretty to fight."

"Well in that case, how about you sit out, Izzy?" Owen asked romantically.

"Owen," Tyler responded, "She's our _best fighter. _She _can't _sit out."

"Oh…" Owen said, "I guess you're right."

"Okay," Lindsay said, "I'll sit out!"

(In the confessional, Tyler sighed in relief. He said, "Thank _goodness _Lindsay doesn't have to fight. I wouldn't be happy if she did.")

Alejandro, Eva, and Duncan all said in unison, "Heather."

"Fine," she said, looking indignant, "Be that way."

Harold, Cody, and Beth looked expectantly at Noah for a few seconds. He did not respond until he noticed them doing so. He said, "Not this time, guys. This time _it's personal," _glaring at Alejandro.

"Oh," Beth said, shrugging, "Then I guess I won't fight."

"So," Chris said, "The first matchups are Brawns vs. Braves and Brains vs. Beauties. Choose your opponent carefully."

"Eva should fight Izzy; that way no man will have to hit a girl," Alejandro said.

"Okay," Eva said, "I'll fight Izzy, but not because of that."

"I'll take Owen," Alejandro offered.

"Okay," Duncan said, shrugging, "I guess I get to fight Tyler."

Noah whispered to Cody, "Pick Sierra."

"What?" Cody asked, stunned.

"Just do it!" Noah responded.

"Okay, I pick Sierra," Cody said, still perplexed.

Sierra looked alarmed. "I have to fight… Cody? Well, I guess that's what he wants."

"I'll fight DJ," Noah offered.

"Aw, but that leaves me with LeShawna," Harold said.

"It's okay," Noah responded. "I'm sure she won't kick your butt _that _severely."

(In the confessional, Harold said, "I know Noah means well, but someone as closed off as he is can't understand love the way I do.")

"Okay," Chris announced, "Ready? Ref Hatchet?"

"Alright, there are no rules so I'm basically just here to judge matches," Chef Hatchet said, and then he blew the whistle he was wearing. "Round 1 Begin!"

"Hey, Eva!" Izzy shouted, "Wanna tussle?"

"You know it," Eva responded, as she continued to aim fists at Izzy but miss, because the latter narrowly dodged it.

"Can't hit me," she said, slipping between Eva's legs causing her to look downward. Soon, Izzy was on the other side of Eva entirely. "Can't hit me!"

"How'd you get behind me?" Eva asked.

"Shh! It's a _secret," _Izzy responded. Then, she leapt about six feet into the air, and aimed her foot directly at Eva's bosom.

"Oh, no," Noah said from the sidelines, covering his face in frustration.

Izzy struck there, which caused Eva to keel over in pain, remarking, "Why did it have to be _there? _You fight dirty, Izzy." Gwen and Lindsay winced sympathetically.

Heather commented from the bench, "You can't let this little blow keep you down! What are you, a _boy?" _Eva glared at her.

"_No," _she responded, "If I _was _being struck _here _would be no big deal!"

"So uh…" Izzy asked, "Does that mean I win?"

"Yeah, whatever," Eva responded. "Just don't do _that _again."

(In the confessional, Eva said, "One weak point. ONE! And she went for it. Like that." Eva snapped while saying the last sentence.)

"Sierra?" Cody asked, "Are you ready to fight me?"

"Not even," Sierra said. "I'm not going to fight." She stuck her nose in the air.

"Umm," Cody said, "Okay…"

"Someone's gotta make a blow!" Chef Hatchet shouted, "Otherwise the fight won't end."

"Okay," Cody said, as he hit Sierra. Sierra looked crushed.

"Cody, I can't believe you'd hit your girlfriend like that!" Sierra shouted.

"You are not my girlfriend!" he said, knocking her down.

"Oh boy," she said, "I guess Cody wins!"

"I… win?" Cody asked, cocking his head in confusion.

"You're welcome," Noah said, smiling.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "Noah's _killing _with the strategy this year. It's almost like he's trying to impress someone." Cody laughed. "That's a funny thought. Noah trying to _impress _someone.")

"Round 1 Match 2 Begin!" Chef Hatchet shouted.

"Um…" Duncan said, "Tyler, listen, I don't really know if we should…"

"I'm going to get you, Duncan!" Tyler said, rushing over to him. Duncan picked him up by the head and threw him on the ground with little to no effort. Tyler grunted in pain.

Lindsay gasped, "Tyler?"

"I'm okay, Lindsay," Tyler said. Lindsay grinned and squealed when that was revealed to be true.

"Aww," Gwen said, "She really loves him."

"And he really loves her," Trent said. "But maybe… there's someone _else_ who really loves someone."

(In the confessional, LeShawna said, "Some magic's gonna happen soon. I can see it now.")

"Okay, listen, DJ, you don't like violence and I don't like doing pointless things, so let's get down to business," Noah said.

"Okay?" DJ asked, confusedly.

"First one to get a strike in wins by default," Noah said, pointing to him.

"Deal!" DJ said, smiling. Noah attempted to whack DJ in the back, but missed, and tripped. DJ looked alarmed, and then slapped Noah's face once when he realized the latter was uninjured.

(In the confessional, DJ said, "That battle… it was the best deal I ever made. I just wish people would fight like that in real life…")

"Round 1 Match 3 Begin!" Chef Hatchet shouted.

"They call me Stonewall Owen," Owen said, as he held his ground. "None shall pass."

"Okay, let's just see about that," Alejandro said, as he began to charge, shoulder-first into Owen's stomach. This sent him flying to the other side of the ring, where he became quite dizzy.

"Al? You going to come back? Al?" Owen asked.

"_Dios mio," _Alejandro said breathily.

"Owen wins!" Chef Hatchet judged. "Round 1 Victory goes to the Valiant Braves!"

(In the confessional, Owen said, "The funny thing about winning that fight is… I don't remember fighting at all.")

"Sweetie," LeShawna said, "I don't want to fight you."

"I know," Harold said, "You're afraid that I'll flummox you with my mad skills. But don't worry, because I would never do that to my girlfriend. I'll go easy on you."

LeShawna became angry. "_Easy _on me? I'll show _you_ how _easy _I want you to go on me!" LeShawna knocked Harold over, and was about to hit him in the face when he cried out for mercy. "I'm sorry," LeShawna said, "I guess I got a little carried away."

(In the confessional, Trent said, "A little? She got a _little _carried away? I was worried she would seriously _hurt _him.")

"LeShawna wins!" Chef Hatchet judged, "Round 1 Victory goes to the Delicate Beauties."

"You know what that means," Chris said, "The Braves and Beauties will be fighting for the key; and the Brawns and Brains will be fighting for safety."

"Oh, great," Noah said, "Last place again."

"We haven't lost yet!" Harold argued.

"Can you see this going _any _other way? Really?" Noah asked.

"We just have to believe!" Harold said, "I'm fighting Duncan."

"Alejandro's _mine," _Noah said.

"Then I guess I'll fight Eva because… she's left," Cody said, shrugging.

"I'll fight Izzy," Sierra offered, "I don't want you ladies getting hurt."

DJ looked slightly disappointed at being called such. "I'll fight Owen."

(In the confessional, DJ said, "Owen seemed like a good choice. After all, he doesn't like fighting either.")

LeShawna said, "Well, then I guess that leaves Tyler for me. Sorry, Tyler."

"Round 2 Begin!" Chef Hatchet shouted.

Sierra and Izzy were placed in the center of the ring. Izzy tried her dodging tactics against Sierra, but they did not work for long, because before she knew it, Sierra had kicked her in the butt. "Ow!" she said, not very annoyed.

Unfortunately, for Izzy, Sierra's kicks amplified, and she was kicked right out of the ring into the space between Gwen and Trent. "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to break up your moment," she said, and then she got out of the way. Gwen and Trent looked at each other, both blushing.

"I'm going to completely and utterly cream you," Duncan said, "There's no way you can beat me."

Harold practiced some of his martial arts moves and said, "Try me." He beckoned Duncan with his hand. Duncan was about to place a solid punch on Harold, when Gwen's voice broke the silence.

"Duncan!" she shouted. He turned to see her holding Trent's hand. "Yes! Yes we are!"

Duncan's eyes widened, and he did not move. Harold chopped the back of his neck, causing him to fall over. Quickly, he stood on top of his conquest.

"Thanks for telling me," Duncan said, somewhat sarcastically.

(In the confessional, Duncan said, "Thanks a _heap! _Now I lost to _Harold! _I couldn't be _more _humiliated.")

"I don't want to fight you," DJ said.

"That's okay," Owen responded, "I don't want to fight you either."

"Maybe we can just do what I did with Noah," DJ said, "First one to get a strike in wins."

"Alright! Sounds good," Owen said, and then he and DJ tried fighting for the strike. Unfortunately, Owen lost his balance and landed on top of DJ.

"Ow," DJ murmured.

"Sorry," Owen apologized.

"Go Tyler!" Lindsay cheered from the bench.

"Go LeShawna!" Gwen cheered from the bench.

"Thanks, girl," LeShawna said, "But I think he needs more help than I do."

Tyler, feeling that his masculinity had just been insulted, asked her, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Hon," she said, "Duncan beat you. Harold beat Duncan. I beat Harold."

"But no!" Tyler shouted, "Maybe it's a square!" He attacked her, but fell over.

LeShawna just looked on pityingly. "I think I'll just kick him once and call it a game," she said.

"The winners are the _Delicate Beauties!" _ Chef Hatchet announced. Gwen and Trent kissed in celebration. LeShawna did a victory dance, although it seemed to be more about Gwen and Trent than winning.

"Now," Chris said, "Who's going to have to eliminate someone? Let's find out."

"Alejandro," Noah said, breathing heavily, "I have been sacrificed for your sins. But I'm not happy about it. I'm _not _pleased with you at all."

"Go on," Alejandro said, "Please."

"You are _so _getting a beating!" Noah exclaimed. He charged at Alejandro and full force and head-butted him in the gut. Alejandro keeled over briefly. Noah stood on his tiptoes, so he could pretend to be taller than Alejandro, and then started slapping him in the face. Alejandro put a stop to this quickly.

He grabbed Noah by the ankles. "You're in over your head, featherweight," he said. As if Noah were a javelin, Alejandro threw him clear across the room. He smacked into the wall head first and passed out.

"Noah!" Owen cried out in horror.

"Noah?" Cody asked concernedly, checking his pulse, and sighing in relief when it was still there.

Duncan said, "Harsh," with eyes wide open.

Alejandro brushed off his hands. "He had it coming."

Eva could barely move. She managed to move her mouth. "He… had it coming? You _knocked him out. _He could have _cracked his head open! _He could have _suffered permanent brain damage. _Maybe he _did!"_

Cody had given Noah to Owen to look out for while he prepared for the match. Owen was rocking Noah like a baby and crying, while Izzy was rubbing his head sympathetically. "Umm," Cody said, "Eva are you going to kick my butt anytime soon?"

"No," Eva said, "This is just ridiculous." Some of her motion returned. "One innocent person being put in life-threatening danger is enough!" She began to approach Alejandro. "You… I'm going to kill you! You morally corrupt serpent. You're going to die today! You hear me?" She calmed down briefly and then said, "Cody, hit me."

"Umm," Cody said, "Okay," and then hit her once across the shoulder.

"One blow in, you can win," Eva said, "Now I have to take care of unfinished business. Oh right, you're evil incarnate and I'm going to send you back to the place you belong!" She started trying to clobber him.

"Help! She's a monster!" Alejandro said, trying to avoid the blows.

"_You're _the monster!"

"Okay, the Sesquipedalian Brains are safe from elimination!" Chris shouted.

"It's Sesquipedalian!" Beth shouted. Then she thought for a second and said, "Oh, wait, that's what you said."

"But the Harsh Brawns have to get rid of somebody," Chris said. "Meet me in elimination."

The Harsh Brawns cast the votes and met Chris in the room. "Okay, let's see, you had good reasons to vote off everyone _except _Heather. I know, I don't quite believe it myself. Duncan, you got beat by a nerd. Ouch. Alejandro, you may have stretched the limit of 'no rules'; I'm not saying _I _would vote you off but who could say what these losers think. And Eva, throwing a challenge for a _man. _Wow, just wow. At the end of the day, only three of you get bags of pyrite. And you three are Heather, Duncan, and…Alejandro. Goodbye, Eva."

"Fine," Eva said, "Fine! Eliminate me! My departure is only the beginning. You're dead, Alejandro, you hear? Dead!" Chris opened the Trap of Shame as Eva shouted, "I have a POSSE!"

In another room, the Sesquipedalian Brains were sitting. Noah was just waking up. Beth said slowly, enunciating each word, "Hey, Noah, how are you feeling?"

"Only slightly less than adequate, thank you," he responded. "We must be late for the elimination ceremony."

"Uh, Noah, we came in third place," Cody corrected. "Eva got voted off defending your honor."

"Aw, man," Noah whined quietly, "She was the only person on that team I tolerated. Listen, in the case we and Alejandro all make it to the merge, can I trust you guys to help me vote him off?"

"I'm behind you all the way, buddy," Cody responded, smiling.

"If Duncan got voted off already," Harold said.

"Very reassuring," Noah said sarcastically.

"Yep," Beth said, "He's fine, alright."

"And where do you stand on this, Beth?" Noah asked.

"Well, I don't know," Beth said, "It seems like a pretty dubious deal to begin with. I mean, what's the chance that Alejandro and all of us will make it to the merge anyway?"

"We have to take that chance and make that pact," Cody said, "He's dangerous."

"Hmm…" Beth contemplated.

"Oh, boy," Chris said, "An alliance this early on? Man, those Brains think of everything so quickly! Will the Delicate Beauties continue their winning streak? Will Noah's alliance go up in flames? Will Alejandro die?—Personally, I hope not! He causes so much drama! Find out next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	6. Why All the ComMotion?

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, the challenge got a little physical, as our explorers competed in a no-rules battle tournament. The Delicate Beauties got the win again; but the Harsh Brawns lost due to one player choosing to fight members of her own team instead of her opponents. We're looking at _you, _Eva. And finally, the Saskatchewanian Brains formed a secret alliance against Alejandro. What will happen next? Find out, on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"

LeShawna handed the key to Gwen and Trent. "Let's see the happy couple open the door together, shall we?" she asked. Trent nodded, and helped guide Gwen's hand with the key to the door, as they opened it up.

(In the confessional, Duncan said, "It's… it's gonna go up in flames! I know it is!")

The Delicate Beauties entered the room; first Gwen and Trent, then LeShawna, DJ, and Sierra. The Valiant Braves were next, then the Sesquipedalian Brains, and finally the Harsh Brawns.

"I can't believe we only have three people left!" Heather complained.

"Don't worry," Alejandro said, "The three of us are better than any of those other teams."

"Yeah," Duncan said, "Especially the Brains!"

"I beat you!" Harold retorted. He turned around and started spanking himself repeatedly shouting out, "I win fights with Duncan! I win fights with Duncan!" in conga rhythm.

"Hey, quit bragging!" Cody said, "I won too."

"No," Harold corrected, "Your opponent _forfeited. _But me? I win fights with Duncan! I win fights with Duncan!"

"Guys, I'm _sorry _I was unable to win due to being, you know, _unconscious!" _Noah said indignantly.

"I don't hold it against you, Noah," Cody said, "I really don't."

"I know," Noah said. "It was Alejandro's fault anyway."

Harold continued to boast to Duncan, who slunk away.

(In the confessional, Duncan said, "I'm never gonna live it down. Never.")

"Hey, how you holding up buddy?" Izzy asked.

"Just peachy, Izzy," Noah said, "Don't worry."

"Oh," Izzy said, "I'm not worried, but Owen is."

"Well, tell _him_ not to worry then," Noah said, "Remember that we're on different teams this year."

"That didn't stop Eva," Izzy said. This struck a nerve with Noah, which was apparent from his frozen stance and widened eyes.

"You going to be in on my anti-Alejandro alliance?" he asked her.

"Of course," she said shrugging, "That guy's gotta go!"

Alejandro overheard them talking. His eyes widened.

(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "Anti-me alliance? Suddenly that 'I have a posse' statement means something… but not to worry; it will work in my favor in the end. I'll just get some gullible people to vote off Noah again.")

Chris gathered the contestants and said, "Okay, explorers! You all know just how much fun races can be."

"A boatload of entertainment for anyone without a frontal lobe!" Noah delivered in deadpan, which got Harold, Cody, and Beth to laugh.

Chris was not amused. He took control of the situation again and said, "But what if the floor _moved?"_

"Why do I not like where this is going?" Duncan asked, his eyes widening.

"Today's challenge will be a moving floor race," Chris said. "The key room is right in the center of the intersection of these paths. Beauties, yours rises and falls and is that one right there. Brawns, yours is over there, it's the one that moves backwards. Brains, you gotta figure out how to proceed across these complicated paths, and Braves," he laughed, "You guys have to _brave _the Path of Cacophony." He pointed to a path that was moving completely randomly. There was no structure at all. Tyler gulped.

(In the confessional. Tyler said, "Why did it have to be difficult footing? Why did it have to be _difficult footing!")_

"The winner will be the first team to make it to the finish with all of the players. Ones who show up earlier may choose to go back for them or wait for them," Chris said, "On your mark, get set, go!"

Duncan, Heather, and Alejandro attempted to run across the backwards-running path. Heather made a tiny bit of progress, but Alejandro and Duncan didn't make any. The former of the two was in fact, going backwards all the time. "Come on, boys," Heather said, "We're not going to lose just because Chris made this hard."

"More like _impossible," _Duncan whined, "How the heck are you getting ahead anyway?"

"Easy!" Heather said, "Sprint!"

"Sprint? Are you crazy?" Alejandro asked, "This race is _way _too long to sprint!"

"There are some parts of the floor that aren't moving," Heather said, "We can use those for resting periods, now _sprint!"_

They did, and they reached the first checkpoint. Alejandro said, "I'm sorry I called you crazy, my dear."

"It's… It's fine," Heather said, blushing.

(In the confessional, Alejandro said. "Heather… she's an enigma. A delightful enigma made of pure strategy.")

"What should we do, Professor?" Beth asked Noah.

"Professor?" Noah asked, disbelieving the title.

"Yeah, how are we going to get out of this one, Professor?" Cody chimed in.

"It wouldn't hurt to have trial and error; by the way, the first beneficial one is on the left."

Harold said, "Thanks, Professor," saluting him, and then heading across the path. Beth, Cody, and Noah followed him.

"Oh, great," Beth said, "They're not even moving," once they reached the next platform.

"Not to worry," Harold said, "I see a lever. I should pull it." He pulled the lever. They both started moving.

"Should we try right this time?" Cody asked.

"No," Noah said, "See the pattern?" pointing to a pattern on top of the right floor.

"Yeah," Cody responded.

"It's clearer here than on the other one. The other one's moving faster. Let's go on that one."

"Whatever you say, Professor!" Beth shouted, and then they moved across that one.

(In the confessional Beth said, "Don't get me wrong. This team doesn't _need _a designated tactician. But why mess with a good thing?")

DJ looked at the sloping floors and gulped. "Don't worry, DJ," Sierra said, "This is clearly the easiest one."

"I know, but still," DJ said, "There's a lot of pressure to keep this team together by the end."

"Just jump aboard," LeShawna said, "There'll be time to panic later."

Gwen and Trent hopped on a platform that did not seem very dangerous. It shot up into the air extremely quickly, causing both of their hair to stand on end. Gwen and Trent screamed and held each other tightly as they rose and fell.

"This one's the one we need," LeShawna said, pointing to a platform that rose to a higher floor. "Come on everyone." DJ and Sierra followed suit.

"We'll catch up," a bewildered Gwen and Trent said in unison.

Izzy leapt onto the floor with no hesitation. "Come on, guys!" she shouted, "The floor is fine." Izzy was able to somehow figure out how the floor moved and use that to her advantage. This gave Lindsay the confidence to board.

"I'm coming too, Ozzy!" she shouted, following Izzy onto the floor. She was a little bit freaked out at first, but soon had gotten used to it. The boys were still waiting at the end. Owen was slightly nervous about boarding the floor.

"Okay, here goes nothing," he said, and then he took a deep breath and walked onto the floor. "Well, come on, Tyler," he said, "We don't have all day." He tripped and planted his face to the ground. Tyler gulped again.

(In the confessional, Tyler said, "And that's when I knew I was doomed.")

Tyler eventually decided to brave the floor, only to have it completely change directions on him as soon as he got on, causing him to trip.

"Hurry up, boys!" Heather shouted as she approached the finish line. "We don't want to _lose _again."

"We're coming as fast as we _can, _*bleep*!" Duncan shouted out. Alejandro looked mortified, and slapped Duncan.

"How _dare _you speak to a lady like that?" Alejandro asked indignantly.

"I'm sorry," Duncan said, "I thought I was speaking to _Heather _like that."

"I have no more time for your ungentlemanly ways," Alejandro said, and then he began to sprint away from Duncan, "See you at the finish line!" The second line was absolutely dripping with disdain.

Heather reached the finish line first. Chris looked surprised, "You got here before the Beauties. Nice. Too bad you don't have your other two."

"Oh, they're coming," Heather said, "And if they don't I am _so _voting off Duncan."

(In the confessional, Heather said, "What? He called me a… well, you know, that thing they called me in season one! I'm better! Believe me!")

"Alright," Izzy said, "I can see the finish line. Come on guys!"

"We're right behind you, Izzy!" Owen shouted.

"Like, yeah!" Lindsay responded.

Owen, Izzy, and Lindsay all crossed the finish line before anyone else did. "Sweet!" Izzy shouted, "Do we win?"

"We might!" Owen shouted excitedly.

"No," Chris responded, "Where's Tyler?"

"Tyler?" Lindsay asked confusedly. Then, after a moment, she said, "Oh, no! Where's Tyler?"

"That's what _I _asked," Chris responded.

"Well," Owen said, "Don't worry, I'm sure he's coming…"

Nearing the end of the path, the three darker-skinned Delicate Beauties were having a conversation about Gwen and Trent.

"Do you think they're okay, LeShawna?" DJ asked worriedly, "They said they'd catch up but I haven't seen them…"

"I wouldn't worry about it," LeShawna said, "They probably just got distracted and started making out somewhere."

"But wouldn't that cost us the win?" Sierra asked.

"You don't get it, girl," LeShawna responded, "True love trumps winning."

"Oh, I totally agree!" Sierra shouted.

(In the confessional, Sierra said, "I would definitely throw the game for Cody if he wanted me to. But, shh… I won't tell him that because then who knows what he'd do?")

DJ, Sierra, and LeShawna reached the finish line. "So…Beauties!" Chris said, "Where are Snow White and Prince Charming?"

"They said they were gonna catch up later," LeShawna responded, "And frankly, I'll give them that."

"I just hope nothing happened to them…" DJ fretted.

"Relax," Sierra answered, "I'm sure they'll be fine."

The Sesquipedalian Brains were likewise reaching the end of the line. "Alright!" Harold shouted, "I see the finish line!"

"Quickly, Professor," Beth said, "What do we do?"

"I would avoid the path with all those ominous black pointers on it," Noah said, pointing to the path that looked like it was booby-trapped, with small black objects on each side pointing inward as though they were planning to shoot darts, lasers, or some other hazard at the contestants' ankles. Meanwhile, the other one looked slower but had no trace of such objects.

"Okay," Cody said, "That makes sense. Come on, let's go on this one!" Cody, Beth, Harold, and Noah passed the finish line with relative ease.

"Brains," Chris said, "Where's Courtney?"

"Eliminated," Harold said, shrugging.

"Okay, then, I guess you're all here!" Chris said, "Congratulations! The Sis Creek Mammalian Brains win!"

"Chris," Cody said, "Do you take pride in getting our name completely and utterly wrong?"

"Abso_lute_ly," Chris responded, smiling.

"_Where _is Duncan? He must have distracted Alejandro," Heather complained, "It's the only excuse they have for taking so long."

"Did somebody say _Alejandro?" _Alejandro asked, as he appeared right next to Heather.

"Sorry we're not as light on our feet as you are, Heather," Duncan said sarcastically.

"Yes, it is a shame," Alejandro said _completely _seriously.

"Well, because you guys took so long, we lost to the _nerds!" _Heather said. "_Again!"_

"Oh, no…" Duncan muttered.

"Oh, yes!" Harold shouted. "Suck it, Duncan!"

"Where's Tyler?" Owen asked.

"Tyler!" Lindsay cried out worriedly, "Tyler!"

Tyler was still well behind the finish line, because he kept tripping every ten seconds.

"Tyler, if you don't come soon, we're gonna have to eliminate you!" Izzy warned. Lindsay looked at her angrily.

"You wouldn't," she said.

"I would," Izzy said, "If we lose it's his fault. Right, Owen?"

"Right," Owen said, "I just hope he's okay."

Gwen and Trent showed up to the finish line "Sorry we're late guys," Gwen said. "We just had some trouble recovering."

"Mm-hmm," LeShawna said, "_Sure."_

"It doesn't matter, guys," Sierra said, "Cody's team won already, but you guys saved us from elimination!"

"Okay," Trent said, "That's good."

(In the confessional, Trent said, "If we had lost, I would have been voted off for sure, and then where would Gwen and I be? And to make matters worse, Duncan would still be in the competition. Oh, I… I just can't think about it.")

"Okay," Chris said, "The Valiant Braves have to eliminate someone. Meet me in the elimination room."

"Wait!" Lindsay shouted, "What about Tyler?"

"What about him? He's late," Chris said, "And I don't have all day to wait for him."

Tyler finally arrived at the finish line, all banged up. "Sorry… it… took…me…so…long…guys," he said, breathing heavily. Izzy was displeased with him, looking very angry. Owen rather looked disappointed, and Lindsay, worried, put a hand over her mouth. "What's wrong, Izzy?" Tyler asked, bracing himself in case she exploded.

"What's _wrong?" _she asked, "We _almost won."_

"Yeah," Owen said, "But we shouldn't blame Tyler for that, right?"

"Yeah!" Lindsay defended, "It's not his fault that he trips all the time!" Tyler looked sheepish. "And, hey, we have reasons to vote each other off too, right?"

Izzy and Owen could not respond to this question. Tyler looked very ashamed. "It's okay, guys," he said, "I deserve it."

Lindsay walked up to him and said, "You don't deserve it, Tyler! I won't vote for you, I promise."

"Really?" Tyler asked, "Thanks Lin." The two shared a kiss.

"I _said, _"_I don't have all day," _Chris said exasperatedly.

"Oh, sorry," Lindsay said, breaking the kiss and blushing.

The Valiant Braves met in the elimination room. "Okay," Chris said, "I have bags of pyrite for three of you. The other one is going home. And the bags go to Owen, Lindsay and… Izzy!"

Tyler looked dejected as he walked onto the Trap of Shame. "Sorry I let you down, guys," he said.

"It's okay, Tyler!" Lindsay shouted, "I still love you!"

"I love you too!" Tyler responded as the Trap of Shame opened. Lindsay gasped in worry.

"Will Lindsay be able to continue the competition without Tyler? Is Noah's "professor" nickname going to stick? Will Duncan _ever _live down losing to Harold? Find out next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	7. The Box Wants To Key You Now

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to move along a floor that was moving along with them. There were high points and low points, and sometimes, things pushed people back. Noah led his team to victory with his cunning and precision; and Tyler lost for his team with his two left feet. Oh, man, I _seriously _think that guy needs to find a new calling or something. But the excitement's just getting started for our fifteen remaining contestants. See who will go to make it fourteen right here on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

"So, who should open the door?" Cody asked as the team stared at the key.

"Obviously, I should," Harold said, "I'm the only person here who's tall."

"But I'm the only girl!" Beth argued, "So I should open it!"

"Uh, yeah," Noah said, "Only Oriental heritage. I win."

"No," Cody said, "I should because I'm the only person without an H in my name!"

"Well, this is an impasse," Beth said. The Sesquipedalian Brains looked helplessly at their key.

"Well," Noah said, "If Courtney were here, she would be tall, and a girl, and not have an H in her name, but would be of Occidental heritage."

"She's shorter than you are," Harold argued. "Besides, she's _not _here so that doesn't matter anymore!"

By this point, the Delicate Beauties, the Harsh Brawns, and the Valiant Braves were all getting incredibly impatient. LeShawna was rolling her eyes, Gwen was pouting, Izzy was rapidly tapping her foot, and Heather was sighing emphatically. Duncan shouted out, "Hurry up and decide already!"

"Gosh!" Harold shouted.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "Duncan just doesn't understand the nuances of the Sesquipedalian methodology.")

Eventually they just gave up and decided to let Harold open it. He walked in, followed by Noah, Cody, and Beth. Noah said, "I still think my logic was valid."

"_Shut up_ about your logic," Heather said, "It doesn't even _matter _who opens the door."

"Says the team that has never won," Noah said.

"_Shut up!" _she yelled again.

(In the confessional, Heather said, "Apparently _Gwen _is a lucky charm or something. But me? What am I? Just another hapless victim of the Ezekiel Effect.")

"Welcome, explorers to the next level of the fortress," Chris said, "Do you see the key right here?" He pointed to a glass box with a padlock on it; the key was inside.

"It's locked in a box," Heather said, "_How _are we supposed to get the key if it's _locked in a box?"_

"Easy," Chris said, "You need to find the key to this box. Do you know where it is?"

"Locked in a box?" Noah asked. Cody laughed a little.

"Exactly!" Chris announced, causing both Noah and Cody to give each other confused glances.

"And how exactly are we supposed to unlock _those _keys?" Alejandro asked wearily.

"By finding the other keys that are locked in other boxes, silly!" Izzy answered.

"Nope," Chris said, "You get to solve a secret puzzle box! Now, I'm going to hand each of you a secret box that contains a working key for the box that the real key is in, and a toolbox, and a set of instructions. Braves, you guys have to use more tools than anyone else. Brawns, you don't _get _tools. Beauties, your instructions are _very, very _specific; one wrong move and you have to start over. Brains, you don't _get _instructions." Harold was very excited.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "It's nice to finally have a season where the challenges allow me to show off my mad skills. We are totally gonna make this work.")

"Now," Chris said, "Because the Brains are so smart, they get the hardest box to open. Then the Beauties, then the Braves, and then the Brawns."

"Alright," Heather whispered, "An advantage!"

"We shall take care not to ruin it," Alejandro responded.

"Okay," Noah said, "We have the hardest box to open and no guiding instructions. We're going to need to put all our heads together if we want to win this. Are you with me, Cody?"

"Absolutely, Professor!" he answered.

"Harold?"

"You can count on me to help!" he shouted.

"Beth?" Noah looked around and couldn't find Beth anywhere. "Beth?"

Beth had moved over to where Lindsay was; Lindsay was crying, and Beth was comforting her. "It's okay, Lindsay, he had to be eliminated eventually. Otherwise, _you_ would have to be eliminated eventually."

"But Tyler didn't deserve to go," Lindsay said, crying. "Why couldn't it have been Jazzy or Oswald?"

"It's okay, Lindsay," Beth said, "It really is."

"Beth?" Cody asked, approaching her, "We're trying to solve a puzzle here."

"I'll be back in a minute," she said, brushing him off. She turned to Lindsay and began patting her shoulder.

(In the confessional, Lindsay cried, "Why is it always Tyler?")

"Okay," Alejandro said, "It says here to open the top with our bare hands."

"I'll do it," Duncan said, as he attempted to push the top to the right. He barely moved it an inch. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, "Phew, this is harder than it looks!"

"You're just not doing it right," Heather insisted, pushing him over. She attempted to move the lid as well, but was also unable to do so. Alejandro giggled a little. Heather glared at him.

(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "Heather's so adorable when she's trying to be macho.")

Gwen's eyes widened when she took a look at the instructions. "There's no way that I can figure this out," she said, touching her head to indicate aching.

"Here," Trent said, taking them from her, "Let me do it. Oh, I see. Don't worry, guys! I'll walk you through this whole thing!"

"You're sure you know what you're doing?" LeShawna asked.

"Of course he is!" Sierra answered, "Trent's always been very meticulous! Did you know that every time he snores it's in patterns of seven?"

"Seven?" DJ asked, "I would have guessed ni…" Trent gave him a death glare. "I'll shut up."

"Okay," Trent said, "It appears that the first item on this list is to take the masking tape and put a 3 cm piece into the fourth from bottom second from right slot."

"That's this one!" LeShawna said, pointing to a slot.

"No, no," Trent said, "The one above that one. _Directly above _it."

Sierra pulled off a piece of tape that was at least 30 cm long. She asked, "Is this good?"

"Umm," DJ said, "We're supposed to have a short piece, not a long one."

"Of course!" she said, and then she bit off a 3 cm piece, which caused LeShawna and Gwen to give her a weird look. "What?"

Meanwhile, the Valiant Braves were beginning to dig through their toolbox. Izzy pulled out a hammer, a screwdriver, a saw, a drill, a tape measure, a meter stick, a sheet of bubble wrap, and a large pile of sandpaper. "Okay," she said, "We probably need all of these tools to solve the puzzle, so I'm going to put Owen in charge of the hammer and bubble wrap, and Lindsay in charge of the meter stick and sandpaper. Is the game plan good with all of you?"

"Umm," Owen said, "It's good with me, but where did Lindsay go?"

"Oh," Izzy said, "She's just fraternizing with the other team. Nothing to worry about. I can give you the meter stick and sandpaper until she gets back!"

"That's a great plan!" Owen shouted, "You really _do _think of everything."

"Of course!" Izzy shouted, "I _am _a genius after all. A _brave _genius!"

The Sesquipedalian Brains were making limited progress. "I can't think of anything else," Harold said. "We've tried everything I can think of."

"Did we try using the saw to open the wooden door?" Cody asked.

"It turned out to be painted rock, remember?" Harold reminded, "Why isn't the Professor coming up with an insight?"

"Because there is no way that any human could figure this out by himself in this amount of time?" Noah responded. "Honestly, I don't know why you guys aren't thinking of _any _ideas."

"I thought of _one!" _Cody insisted.

"Besides," Harold said, "You're the one with the off-the-charts IQ!"

"Please!" Noah insisted, "It's an arbitrary number assigned to people before they are old enough to be accurately tested! And it does _not _preclude their teammates from _helping._"

"Well, maybe, it's just _karma!" _Cody shouted. This made Noah visibly upset. Cody covered his mouth.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "Okay, if all that happened was season one, I could justify saying that! But now? God, I'm _so stupid!"_)

"Did you know that Tyler would always…" Lindsay began, and then whispered something incomprehensible into Beth's ear, but it made her grin.

"Beth?" Cody asked, "Are you coming soon? We have a little _situation._"

"What kind of situation?" Beth asked.

"I upset our introvert. He's not talking to anyone, and that _includes _telling us his ideas. We're hosed," he said, "The only way we have a chance of winning is if we get our last Brain back."

"Oh," Beth said, "I'll be there in a minute."

"That's what you said _ten _minutes ago!" Cody complained.

"I just need to talk to Lindsay a little while longer," Beth said.

"Maybe I'll just go talk to Noah instead…" Cody mumbled, "He's mad at me, talking would make it worse, and I don't think he'll accept an apology this easily, but it's easier than dealing with _this." _Beth looked dumbfounded.

(In the confessional, Beth said, "I don't know what to do. On the one hand, Lindsay's upset and I need to help her feel better. On the other hand, Noah's upset and, let's face it, he was kind of running our team. What to do?")

"Good news, Owen!" Izzy shouted, "I figured out how to make the box work."

"Well, that's great, Izzy!" Owen responded. "Lindsay, come quick!"

"Like, did we win?" Lindsay asked.

"I think we might have!" Owen shouted. "…We didn't forget Tyler again did we?"

"Tyler…" Lindsay said, sighing.

"Here's the key!" Izzy shouted, grabbing it out of the box, and lifting it into the air.

She, Lindsay, and Owen rushed over to show Chris the key. "Nice," he said, "Now you just need to make it to the real key before any of the other teams do and you win!"

"No problem!" Izzy shouted, and then she put the key into the slot, lifted the box, and found the real key. She picked it up and yelled, "Behold!"

"The Valiant Braves win!" Chris shouted.

"Ugh…" Heather said disgustedly, "I can't believe we lost again!"

"We haven't lost yet," Duncan said, "And I think I can get to the key _right now."_

(In the confessional, Duncan said, "I have but one goal for the day. To squish some Sesquipedalian butts." On the word "Sesquipedalian", he used a mocking tone.)

Sierra wiped her brow. LeShawna and DJ both looked exhausted, and Gwen looked as though she was about to fall asleep. Trent shouted excitedly, "Here it is! The final instruction!" The girls and DJ perked up. "All we have to do is open and close the top drawer… nine times."

(In the confessional, Trent said, "Yeah, I'm embarrassed by the past; but who isn't? Especially when the past is in direct connection to Gwen breaking up with me.)

Trent took a deep breath and said, "Be a man," to himself. He opened and closed the top drawer nine times, and then the key was spit out the bottom.

"Alright!" Gwen shouted, "Second place! Way to go Trent!"

(In the confessional, Trent was crying and he said, "Oh, there _is _a benevolent being! I'm sorry I ever doubted your existence!")

Noah was sitting off in some remote corner of the room. Cody approached him. "Hey," he said. Noah turned away. "I'm really sorry about what I said before. Will you ever forgive me?"

Noah turned back, and then said, "Thanks for apologizing but what… never mind, I forgive you."

"Good," Cody said, "I was just frustrated because we were losing. Listen, if anyone deserves recognition for contributions to this team, it's you."

"Thank you, Cody," Noah said. "Okay, now I probably completely and utterly ruined our chances of winning so…"

"I won't vote you off, I promise," Cody said, smiling at him, "It was my fault anyway."

"No, Cody," Noah said, "It wasn't."

"Well that's very kind of you to…" Cody began and then realized what he was about to imply, immediately took it back, and said, "Then whose was it?"

"You know," Noah said, and then he walked away.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "The trouble with people like Noah is that they always assume you know everything they do and don't bother to explain anything.")

"Come on!" Harold said, "Beth! If you hurry, we might be able to beat Duncan and his jerky jerk partners!"

"I'm coming!" she shouted, and then approached him.

Duncan looked to Alejandro and said, "Can't you open this any faster?"

"Maybe if I had some _help _I'd be able to," he said.

Heather offered her help, and then the three of them managed to free the key. "Yes!" Duncan shouted.

"No!" Harold grumbled, stomping his foot.

"Okay," Beth said, "Let's figure out how to open this thing."

"Well," Harold said, "It won't make a whole lot of difference now. We lose anyway."

Beth made a few slight adjustments to the puzzle, and was able to make the key visible. Harold was awestruck. "This puzzle was actually pretty easy. Why couldn't you guys figure it out?"

"You solved it in under a minute," Harold said.

"Yes," Beth said.

"You solved it… in under… a minute," Harold said, "And while we were waiting for you to come back we had to lose to every other team including _Duncan's _because you couldn't have taken _under a minute _to help us!"

"Well," Beth said, "I didn't know the puzzle would be this easy."

Cody and Noah returned to the group. "Hey, what'd we miss?" Cody asked.

"Just Beth solving the puzzle in under a minute," Harold said scornfully.

"I tip my invisible intangible hat to you, mademoiselle," Noah said.

"…_After _we lost," Harold continued.

"Okay," Noah said, "I take it back. Seriously? I mean, you couldn't have taken that time _before _we lost?"

(In the confessional, Cody said, "_Ohhhhhhhh."_)

"Celebrate Failing Brains, it looks like you guys are going to have to eliminate someone today," Chris said, "Meet me in the elimination room."

The votes were cast, and the ceremony began. "Okay, so, today only three of you will be getting bags of pyrite," Chris said, "Harold, your little grudge with Duncan's getting a _little _stale. Cody, nice comment! I _know_ Noah loved it. Which brings me to Noah, who ran off and wept in the corner like a little baby halfway through."

"I didn't weep!" Noah insisted, "I just got silent and sulky is all."

"And Beth… wow, good job helping your team realize they _could have won _if you had just been playing with them from the beginning." Beth looked sheepish. "Today's bags of pyrite go to Harold, Noah, and… Cody!"

Beth got up and headed for the Trap of Shame. "Sorry guys!" Beth shouted, "If we never meet again, I just want you all to know that I love all of you!"

"Cool it with the hyperbole, Beth," Cody said, "We'll meet again."

"Uh, Cody? I'm not sure that _was _hyperbole," Noah said.

"Sweet!" Cody responded.

"Nerds rule!" she shouted, as she fell down the Trap of Shame.

"Now that the Sod Squish Israeli N Brains…" Chris began.

"Oh, forget it!" Harold interrupted, "I'm not even going to try anymore."

"…Are an all guy team, will they be more prone to the dangers of the opposite sex?"

"Heck yeah!" Harold shouted.

"Definitely," Cody added.

Noah just shook his head in derision.

"Will the Hash Browns ever come in first? Will the Delicate Beauties ever come in last? Find out, on the next Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	8. The FibbingNacci Pyramid

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to unlock the key… to unlock the key… With tools and instructions of varying complexity, each team had to independently figure out a box. Due to Tyler's earlier departure, Beth was too busy consoling Lindsay to help her team out. And I _wish _I could say that them coming in last place was the worst thing that happened, but _Cody _had to go and yell at the team's tactician, which only made the loss that much more painful. In the end, Beth had to leave; but who will leave in today? Find out, on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

"Lindsay," Owen offered, "Why don't you open the door?"

"Yeah," Izzy said, "So what if you didn't help much? You're still cool."

"Like, okay," Lindsay responded, taking the key from Owen, and attempting to unlock the door. She then looked helplessly at her teammates.

"Okay, fine," Izzy said, and then she turned the key with her teeth. "Hands are _so _ten years ago."

"I like, totally know what you mean!" Lindsay chimed in.

(In the confessional, Lindsay said, "Hands are ten years ago. And before that, it was feet that were popular! Now, it's all about the mouth!")

Chef Hatchet was standing in the middle of the room, wearing a pyramid on his head, and holding a spear. Chris popped up in front of him and said, "Hello, explorers! Welcome to today's challenge! You need to build a pyramid with these blocks right here." He pointed to a pile of blocks that all had one of the following numbers written on them: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 16, or 25. "The pyramid has to have a four-block square on top, and must be five layers high. The top layer will be one, and the bottom will be the fifth number in your assigned sequence."

"Assigned number sequences?" Harold asked, "That sounds _awesome! _You're not giving us a ridiculously easy one, are you?"

"It's not easy," Chris responded, "Because no matter what pattern you get, you get prodded for any wrong move. And I mean _any_ wrong move. The wrong number, the wrong amount of blocks in a layer, accidentally nudging it and knocking it over,_ Cody and Trent, _and even just picking up the wrong block."

"Prodded?" Trent asked, "What do you mean?"

Chef Hatchet demonstrated by poking the spear into Trent's rear. "Ow!" he said, and then he rubbed the sore spot.

"Okay, I'm going to assign you guys' number patterns," Chris said, "Braves… you guys get odd numbers."

"Odd?" Izzy asked, "Oh, don't worry guys! I can do this perfectly well!"

"Sweet!" Owen said, "Those are _easy."_

"Umm…" Lindsay said, and then she sheepishly kicked around.

(In the confessional, Lindsay said, "I hope Ilsa knows what she's doing, because I sure don't.")

"Brawns, you have squares," Chris said, and then he laughed when he saw Duncan's face. "Because you _are _squares, get it?"

"That's not funny," Duncan said, "I am _not _square."

"Your face would beg to differ, Frankenstein's Adam," Noah said.

"Says the dork with a skull the size of a _skyscraper," _Duncan retorted.

"Oh, wow, did you just insinuate that my head _needed_ that much _room?_ Thank you," Noah said.

"What? Hey, that wasn't a compliment, dork!" Duncan complained.

"Haha!" Harold laughed, "You just got beat in an insult war by a nerd!"

"No, he didn't!" Noah insisted, "He got beat_en."_

"Touché," Harold said.

"Brains! Since you guys seem eager to continue, I'll give you your pattern. It's the Fibonacci sequence," Chris said.

"Oh boy!" Harold shouted, "I love the Fibby!"

"The… Fibby?" Cody asked, giving him an odd look.

"We'll be _just fine, _guys," Harold said.

"That's what you thought last time we lost… and the time before that…" Noah noted. This caused Cody to freak out slightly. Noah turned his head and asked, "Cody, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Cody said, "It's just that I've never been on a team that was this behind before… and, well, what I've learned from my advantages is that they don't stop."

"And Beauties, you guys get powers of two," Chris said, "Now begin! Remember, build _backwards._"

"Okay," LeShawna said, "We need to have someone volunteer to gather the blocks."

"I'll do it!" Sierra shouted eagerly.

"Alright," LeShawna responded.

(In the confessional, Sierra said, "I just had to pick gathering blocks. Who knows? Maybe Cody will too, and then we could reach for one at the same time, and end up _touching hands. _Oh, it would be _amazingly romantic."_)

(In the confessional, Cody said, "There is no way that I'm volunteering for this task. Although meeting with Gwen would be nice, there's almost no chance she would volunteer before Sierra.")

"Okay, which of us should gather the blocks?" Harold asked.

"I'll do it," Noah said, "Then you can build your Fibonacci pyramid just like you want to."

Cody said, "Okay, I hope that nothing terrible happens."

"What terrible thing could happen when I was over here?" Noah asked incredulously, "Being prodded with a spear in the butt? Worse things happen at my family reunions."

"Okay," Cody said, "I just don't want us to lose."

"We will not lose!" Harold shouted, "We've _got _this!"

(In the confessional, Harold said, "The Fibonacci numbers are like, my calling, or something! I've memorized 50 of them, and I can recite them for you ri…")

"I'll go get the blocks!" Lindsay offered, "What do I need?"

"Four ones, nine threes, sixteen fives, twenty-five sevens, and thirty-six nines!" Izzy responded. "It's not brain surgery."

"Umm…" Lindsay said, biting her lip, "Like, okay?"

"Don't worry," Izzy said, "Noah's up there. He'll help you if you get confused."

"Okay!" Lindsay said, confidently.

(In the confessional, Izzy said, "I love being on a team where no one questions anything I do! It's a really welcome change!")

"I'll go gather the blocks," Heather offered.

"But Heather, wouldn't you rather sit here while _I _gathered the blocks?" Alejandro counter-offered.

"Not really," Heather responded, and then she got up to grab the blocks. Alejandro sighed, lovesick.

(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "There's nothing a chivalrous gentlemen loves more than a woman who is willing to refuse the chivalry.")

Lindsay looked at the pile of blocks nervously. Noah said to her, "Thirty-six nines, twenty-five sevens, sixteen fives, nine threes, and four ones."

"What are you looking for, Noah?" she asked.

"I'm looking for thirty-six fives, twenty-five threes, sixteen twos, and thirteen ones," he responded. "Oh, here they are." He started picking up all the five-blocks he could find and tossing them at his team.

"Thanks!" Harold shouted, as he began to build the pyramid.

Sierra started picking up her blocks as well, and tossing them at a much faster speed than Noah did. This was due to her larger muscle mass, better aim, and more practice.

"Duncan!" Heather shouted, "Catch!" She tossed eight pieces at once in his direction, and they all landed in a pyramid on top of him. Unfortunately, the pyramid had many, many flaws. Chef Hatchet began to poke Heather in the butt with the spear and continued to do so repeatedly until every single flaw had been accounted for. Sierra, Noah, and Lindsay couldn't help but laugh at her misery, but Alejandro decided to step in.

"Heather, go help Duncan build the pyramid," he said, "_I _will continue to toss blocks at you."

Lindsay had by this point found most of the blocks she was supposed to, but was at a loss as to how to carry them all back, so she began to toss them towards Izzy haphazardly, and completely out of order. The redhead did not mind, however, and just thought that Lindsay was making the challenge harder for fun.

Lindsay and Alejandro, likewise, had much faster pitches than Noah. Cody began to freak out, and he said, "Oh, crap!" He put his head in his hands. "We're going to lose."

Noah looked concernedly his way, and said, "Cody, you shouldn't worry too much! It's just a game!"

Sierra's ears perked up, and she turned Noah's way. She asked, "What's wrong with Cody?"

"Oh," Noah said, "It's nothing; he just feels bad because our team is so far behind yours."

"Well," Sierra said, "I don't think that's very fair!"

"Of course it's fair. What are you talking about?" Noah said, "Anyone who might want to cheat is on the team that keeps losing!"

"Yeah," Sierra responded, "I know… but still, poor Cody!"

Sierra stopped pitching. Noah continued to. Lindsay and Alejandro did so as well, although as far as the actual building of pyramids was concerned, Izzy and Owen were still pretty far behind, being only as high as the second layer. Heather and Duncan, on the other hand, had not yet begun that layer.

Harold had been layering the blocks onto the pyramid almost as soon as they came his way, so the Sesquipedalian Brains' pyramid was already three layers up. So was the Delicate Beauties' pyramid.

Trent had been carefully layering the pyramid, but noticed his surplus block pile dwindling. "Uh-oh," he said, "Guys, I think we have a little situation."

"What kind of situation?" Gwen asked.

"I'm out of blocks!" he responded.

"Well, Sierra might be having trouble finding the last set. DJ, you go check on her!" LeShawna said,

"Okay," DJ said, getting up and going to find Sierra. He saw her standing around idly. "Uhh, Sierra? Why aren't you tossing over the blocks?"

"Because," Sierra said, "I'm trying to lose."

"Why?" DJ asked, "Did you have a secret illegal alliance with Chef Hatchet?"

"No, that was you," Sierra responded.

"Did you attract a curse that hurts animals?" DJ asked.

"That was also you," Sierra added, "But as for me? I'm doing it for Cody."

"That's sweet," DJ said. "Don't worry, I won't tell."

(In the confessional, DJ said, "Even if they vote me off, I know I shouldn't interfere with courtly love.")

DJ returned to where the Delicate Beauties were waiting. Trent asked "Is Sierra okay? What's going on with her?"

"She's just getting a little caught up is all," DJ lied very unconvincingly, because his voice was pitched nearly a whole octave higher than it usually was.

Somehow, his team believed him. Gwen, LeShawna, and Trent waited patiently for Sierra to toss the blocks but she never did.

Noah, nearly collapsed from exhaustion, picked up the final block. "Take it, Harold! Final block!" He then fell over stupendously, so far back that his legs stuck in the air.

"Final block?" Harold asked excitedly.

Cody perked up and said, "Final block! But that means…"

Harold placed the block on top of the pyramid. "That means we win!" Harold shouted.

"It does indeed!" Chris said, "If you put it together correctly."

"I don't remember being stabbed once," Cody shrugged, "And, well, if _I _didn't…"

"CRAP!" Duncan shouted, "The Brains beat us again! I should have expected it in this challenge, but still…"

"Second place, here we come!" Heather shouted as she loaded the final layer onto the top.

(In the confessional, Duncan shouted, "_Why? Why_ do the Brains keep beating us?")

"Let's go, Lindsay! Let's go!" Izzy shouted. "Come on, Lindsay, we only need a couple of blocks now!"

"Like, okay," Lindsay said. She bit her lip as she searched for the next number. She bent down to Noah and asked, "Was it four?"

"Three, you moron," he responded, clearly annoyed that he had to keep talking when he had gotten so winded already.

"Oh, okay!" Lindsay said, picking up the block that said three, and tossing it to her team.

Trent was getting worried. He tapped his foot, and Gwen sighed remorsefully. LeShawna asked, "DJ, when do you think Sierra's going to find the next block? We don't have all day you know."

DJ, now very nervous, said, "Oh, don't worry about Sierra; she's going to be doing just fine." Just like earlier, his voice was high-pitched as he said it.

"Wait," Gwen said, "DJ, are you lying to us?"

"What?" DJ asked, immediately caught off guard, and then he continued in his nervous voice, "Uh, no! Why would you think that?"

"Well, because you're acting like you're hiding something, and when I asked if you were lying you freaked out," Gwen responded.

"Umm," DJ said, visibly sweating. He noticed LeShawna and Gwen giving him a look, and believed Trent was too, although he was too busy panicking about the state of the pyramid to even notice DJ. "Okay! Okay! Sierra's been throwing the challenge! She's doing it for Cody!"

"She's throwing the challenge for Cody?" Gwen asked. "Well, no accounting for taste."

"Hey," Trent said, "Cody's much more of a catch than _Duncan."_

"Take that back, Trent!" Duncan shouted in his general direction, from off-screen.

"No!" Trent responded tauntingly.

(In the confessional, Trent said, "I'm not going to lie. Comparing Cody to Duncan favorably while he was in earshot felt _so good.")_

"Yes!" Izzy shouted, "Here's the last block!"

She piled it on top. Chris announced, "Okay, so the Valiant Braves come in third! Which means… that the Delicate Beauties have to get rid of someone." Sierra looked to Cody and blew him a kiss. Cody gave her a look, and then began sulking.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "I… I made her throw the challenge. I'm a cheater! Gah! I'm no better than Duncan!")

The votes were cast, and the Delicate Beauties met Chris in the elimination chamber. DJ looked like he was ready to cry, while Gwen and LeShawna glared at Sierra. "Okay, so first elimination of the season guys. Looks like you weren't immortal after all. Now, which one of you is going home? The bags of pyrite go to LeShawna, Gwen, Trent, and… DJ!"

Sierra walked down, smiling, and said, "I know I threw this challenge… but I was only doing that because of my sympathy for Cody. Surely you must understand what I'm talking about, Gwent?"

"Gwent?" Trent asked, giving Gwen a weird look.

"I wouldn't worry about her," Gwen said, "She's just a fangirl."

"I'm off to leave the game now," Sierra said, "Best of luck to Cody!" As she was shouting that last statement, Chris opened the Trap of Shame.

"Oh, man, sounds like _someone's _forgetting her team loyalty," Chris said, "Oh, well. Now that Sierra has thrown a challenge for Cody, will the Delicate Beauties' good luck be at an end? Will the Harsh Brawns _ever_ win a challenge? And, will Chef bring back more pointy objects? Find out, on the next Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	9. Spouts and Ladders

Chris introduced the show, "Last time on Total Drama Fortress, the explorers had to put their mathematical skills to the test to build a pyramid. Otherwise, they'd get poked with a spear. Get the _point? _Sierra threw the game for the Beauties, and was thus eliminated. The Brains won despite some hardships in the pitching, and proved their superiority to the Brawns _once again. _But will this continue? Find out, on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"

The Sesquipedalian Brains were not fighting over the key this time. Noah and Cody, both feeling very dejected about the way they obtained their last victory, offered Harold the chance to open the door without second thoughts.

"Okay," Harold said suspiciously, "What's wrong with you guys?"

"Oh, nothing," Noah said, "Except that I inadvertently pulled an Alejandro…"

"No, no," Cody said, "Don't blame yourself; I was the reason she threw the game anyway."

"Cody!" Noah said, grabbing his shoulders, "This. Was not. Your fault."

(In the confessional, Cody said, "Noah said it wasn't my fault, but it really was. I'm surprised he's being so sympathetic toward me. It's nice.")

Harold opened the door, and then he walked into the next room, followed by Noah and Cody, then the Harsh Brawns, the Valiant Braves, and finally the Delicate Beauties.

Heather whispered to Alejandro, "Did you see how those nerds played Gwen's team so easily? I think maybe we should worry about them."

"Nonsense," Alejandro said, "They are merely _amateurs."_

(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "Don't get me wrong; Harold would have potential if he wasn't so insecure, as would Cody. Noah… well, he's just wasting his talents on the wrong things!")

"Welcome to the challenge, explorers!" Chris exclaimed. "Do you see the key?"

DJ looked up and noticed that the key was hanging from the ceiling. He jumped, attempting to reach the key. "It's so far away…" he said.

"Exactly!" Chris said, "Chef put it up there this morning, with a ladder he built himself."

Chef Hatchet walked into the room, hunching over and holding his back in pain. He walked up to Chris and yelled, "That was _you _who built the ladder. The ladder that _broke. _I _fell down and hurt my back!"_

"Well, then," Chris said, laughing, "I hope the explorers are better at building ladders than I am."

"Where are the materials to build the ladders?" Harold asked eagerly.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Chris said, "If I just gave them to you, it wouldn't be challenging, now would it? They are scattered around."

Owen looked around his head and commented, "But, umm… all I see is a bunch of garbage."

"One man's trash is another man's treasure," Chris said, "Have fun building ladders."

"Alright!" Izzy shouted, "I'll build the ladder for our team!"

"Oh, that's my Izzy," Owen said, "She always has all the answers."

(In the confessional, Owen said, "Izzy has crazy skills. Or maybe… she's just crazy! But either way, we're going all the way!")

"Be on your guard, Duncan," Heather warned, "And don't let any stupid grudges get in the way."

"No problemo," Duncan responded, "I promise not to become distracted by Trent."

"Trent?" Heather asked, "I was talking about Harold!"

"Oh, yeah," Duncan said, "I _meant _Harold. Why'd I say _Trent? _Psh, _Trent."_

(In the confessional, Duncan said, "Why _did _I say Trent? I did mean Harold… didn't I?")

Gwen and Trent searched together for some materials to create the ladder. Gwen found an interesting stick formation. "Hey, Trent, come see this."

"Oh," Trent said, "That looks like the perfect foundation for a ladder."

" 'Scuse me," Duncan said, pushing Trent over, and grabbing the foundation from them.

"Hey!" Trent responded, insulted.

Duncan said, "No offense intended, Trent, but… I deserve this more than you. Just like a certain _girl."_

"Please," Trent responded, "The only girl _you_ deserve is La Belle Dame Sans Merci."

Noah overheard the comment from a few feet away, and walked up to them for no other reason than to give Trent a high five for it. "Now, I need to go find materials for my team's ladder."

"I wish you guys luck!" Gwen responded, which caused Duncan to shrink back.

(In the confessional, Duncan said, "Is it just me, or did Gwen just dis me in favor of the nerds? Oh, they all need to be crushed.")

Lindsay had found something that appeared to be a piece of material. She began to pull it out of the ground, whimpering and sweating. The item lengthened in view, but she couldn't tell that what she was lifting was part of the wall. She wiped her brow, because she was so strained. Owen offered to help. They both continued to pull the item, but it was continually fruitless.

Izzy asked, "Hey, guys, do you need some help?"

"Thanks, Izzy," Owen responded, and then the three of them worked together to tug the item, which came apart from the wall. "Ah-oh," Owen said, "RUN!" The three of them ran away screaming when the item revealed to be holding some water in place. The water splashed out, and landed right on Heather's head.

Heather shook her head around madly, trying to get the water to come off of it. Alejandro said, "Heather, allow me to dry you off… with my shirt." He took off his shirt and handed it to Heather, who accepted it, wiping her face and hair off.

"We are not going to lose this one, Alejandro," Heather said.

"I know we aren't," Alejandro said, smiling.

(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "Everyone knows that revenge is a dish best served cold. But what they don't know, is that it's so much easier to prepare than non-revenge. Oh, those other teams won't know what hit them when we win.")

"Hey, LeShawna," DJ said, "I'm really sorry about lying the other day. Will you ever forgive me?"

"DJ," LeShawna responded, "You've been moping all day. And we don't need that right now. We need to find materials for the ladders." She surveyed the ground for materials, finding none.

"Wait, isn't that…" DJ began, pointing to a pile of trash that looked useful.

"I think it is!" LeShawna said, smiling and then she headed straight for it. Unfortunately, Harold got there first. He picked it up nonchalantly and left, not seeing her there. LeShawna looked disappointed.

Lindsay, Owen, and Izzy walked by and Lindsay said, "No time to talk, Lafonda; we have to _run!"_

"Run?" DJ asked, "Why do we have to…"

"Long story," Owen answered, "But the point is, _do it!"_

DJ and LeShawna obliged and they continued to run. The water was chasing them pretty far. Alejandro, Heather, and Duncan had begun construction on their ladder, which was knocked over by the water. Heather stomped her foot, and loudly groaned.

"Oh, like, sorry, Heather," Lindsay said, as they passed through.

"You should be!" Heather shouted angrily.

"Uhh, Chris?" Chef Hatchet asked the host nervously.

"What?" Chris asked, "I'm busy."

"Water…" Chef Hatchet mumbled.

"If you're thirsty there's a can of soda in the fridge," Chris responded.

"No, no, Chris!" Chef Hatchet shouted, turning his friend's face in the opposite direction, "Look! Water!"

"What the?" Chris asked, as he leaped into Chef Hatchet's arms and they fled the water, both screaming.

Trent and Gwen had made some great progress on the ladder while DJ and LeShawna were elsewhere. Trent asked, "Do you think this is tall enough?"

"I wouldn't know," Gwen said, "Maybe I should test it?"

"No," Trent said, "I'll test it. After all, I don't want to risk you getting hurt."

"Trent," Gwen said, "It's _you _I'm worried about getting hurt."

"I won't get hurt," Trent said, "This ladder is perfectly stable." He climbed to the top and said, "Hmm… I think we need a few more pegs…"

Gwen looked terrified. Trent asked her, "What's wrong?"

"Get off the ladder," she said, without changing her facial expression.

"Get off the ladder?" he asked, "Why?"

"No time to explain. Just get off the ladder _now!" _Gwen shouted.

Trent started to climb down the ladder. Gwen shouted, "Faster, Trent."

"Gwen, I think that you need to re…" he began, but was cut short when the water knocked over the ladder, which he was still very near the top of, and he fell on the ground face (and crotch) first.

"Trent!" Gwen exclaimed, "Trent are you okay? Speak to me!"

"Like, sorry, Gwen," Lindsay said, running by. Izzy and Owen followed. LeShawna and DJ stopped there. DJ squeaked when he saw Trent.

"Gwen… is he… is he…" DJ asked, crying.

"No," Gwen said, "But he's pretty well out right now. And our ladder… well, it got pretty badly destroyed."

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "I _told _him. Why doesn't he ever _listen?" _Then she started crying.)

The Sesquipedalian Brains were building a ladder, but it was only about two thirds of the way up because they repeatedly had to check each individual rung for safety. Granted, the safety of three underweight males would be easier to account for than on any of the other teams.

"I think the safety of this layer is adequate, wouldn't you agree, Harold?" Cody asked.

"Of course," responded the tall one.

"Oh for crying out loud," Noah said, when he heard the water coming, "It looks like we're going to have to evacuate."

"Evacuate?" Harold asked, "Like to a higher ground? How?"

"There's a raised platform over here," Noah said. The three of them climbed on top of that as quickly as possible. Harold didn't forget to grab the ladder.

The water started flowing through the room, "Okay, what do we do now, Professor?" Cody asked.

"Dam it!" Noah shouted, which caused both Cody and Harold to give him a look. "You know, whatever sprung a leak?"

"Oh, right," Cody responded, "Well, you know what_ I _think; _I _think we need to use something massive and bulbous to block it."

"My head is off limits, Cody," Noah responded.

"Oh, well, in that case…" Cody said, scratching his chin, "I know! How about the ladder."

"The ladder couldn't dam the water," Harold responded, "It has too many holes."

Lindsay, Owen, and Izzy started passing through. Izzy said, "Oh, man, we are so sorry, Noah."

"Izzy, you're behind this? Why am I not surprised?" Noah asked, "Now anyway, how did you set the water off?"

"Well, we had a little dealy bobber, earlier," she responded, "But I don't know where it went. Maybe the mole scuba divers ate it."

"Well, we'll help you look for it," Cody offered, "I'll go swim to the bottom of this, and see if I can spot anything."

"Be careful," Noah warned. Izzy smiled.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "You know, some people think that Noah's pretty apathetic, but he really isn't. He's a lot more concerned for my well being than anyone else is… even Sierra… or should I say _especially _Sierra?")

Cody swam to the bottom of the water, and headed to a heavy item. He began to lift it, and was able to carry it to a hole in the wall. He shoved the plug back into the wall, which stopped the water from increasing, and soon it had all flowed into the previous layer of the fortress.

"Okay," Izzy said, "From now on, no pulling the stuff out of the wall!"

Cody went back to help Noah and Harold build the ladder, but they took quite a while because of the delay. Meanwhile, Heather, Duncan, and Alejandro had nearly finished their ladder. Duncan surveyed his surroundings. A gleam appeared in his eyes, and then he said, "Hey, hey, guys! We finished first!"

"Well, what are you waiting for, Duncan?" Heather asked, "Get the key!"

Duncan climbed up the ladder and retrieved the key from the ceiling; climbing back down.

Chris, who was decked out in a yellow raincoat, said, "Congratulations, Hash Browns… I mean, _Harsh Brawns,_ you guys _win!"_

"We… we won?" Heather asked, "We won!" She gave Duncan a hug.

Alejandro said jealously, "I helped us win too, Heather."

(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "I _did."_)

Gwen, LeShawna, and DJ were looking helplessly at their water-damaged rubble, while the first looked sympathetically at Trent.

"He'll be fine," DJ said, "He's a trouper; you know that."

"I know…" Gwen said, "But I don't know why he didn't get off the ladder…"

"He was probably trying to impress you with his bravery," LeShawna shrugged. "But anyway, we have a challenge to win."

"I don't think we can…" DJ said, "The Brawns already did."

"Well, maybe if we're lucky, we can still…" LeShawna began, and then she noticed Izzy piecing together the ladder _very _quickly. "The Brains…"

"Yeah, but we better hurry," Gwen said, "They have a pretty big lead right now."

"Ack!" Cody shouted, "We're losing!"

"Well, don't worry about it, Cody," Noah said, "If we lose I'll vote myself off; then we're all good."

Cody took Noah by the shoulders just as the latter had done for him earlier, and said, "This. Was not. Your fault."

"Well, if you guys don't stop _moping _we'll lose for sure," Harold said, "Come on; we need to buckle down and complete this."

Harold, Noah, and Cody each began to build individual rungs, which they connected and checked for safety very quickly. "Finished," Harold said, "And we won fairly this time, so no more whining about being cheaters."

(In the confessional, Harold said, "I have this theory that IQ is directly proportional to remorsefulness. That would explain Cody, Noah, and Duncan… but… but what about Courtney… and Alejandro…dang. It doesn't work anymore. Disregard!")

"Oh no," Gwen said, "We lost." She buried her face in her hands.

"Delicate Beauties," Chris said, "Losing streak I see. Well, remember to meet me in the elimination chamber."

LeShawna whispered to DJ, "I hate to do this but I think I have to."

"Voting off Trent?" DJ asked, "Yeah… it's really a shame. I didn't want to have to say goodbye to any of you."

"Thus ends the greatest team ever," LeShawna said.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "I just _know _LeShawna and DJ are going to vote off Trent. There's only one thing I can do. I'm going to be hated for it, I know, but I have to vote _for DJ.")_

The elimination ceremony began, and all of them, with the exception of Trent who was still in poor condition, albeit conscious by now, were looking very sad; but the saddest of all was Gwen who was crying. "So, Beauties," Chris said, "Nice losing streak. Now you have to say goodbye to someone. And the bags of pyrite go to LeShawna, Gwen, and… DJ."

"Trent!" Gwen shouted, tears in her eyes.

Trent responded, "I'll think of you at home…"

"Could you not open the trap this time? Please?" Gwen asked.

Chris gave her a blank stare and then asked, "Why would I not?"

"Trent's fallen enough for one day," Gwen insisted.

"Yeah," DJ agreed.

"That's right," LeShawna added.

"Like I care," Chris said, as he opened the Trap of Shame beneath Trent anyway. Gwen, LeShawna, and DJ all glared at Chris, while Trent screamed in pain and fear at the same time. "Will Noah and Cody stop moping around? Now that the Harsh Brawns have won a game, are they going to get a winning streak—hey, the inverse happened for the Beauties? Will the Delicate Beauties ever forgive me for what I did to Trent?"

"No!" they all answered in unison.

"Find out, on the next Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"

Author's Note: The next chapter will feature a reward challenge. I am wondering whether to a) upload it as a normal update or b) wait until I finish the chapter after it and upload it as a double feature. I will continue the chosen pattern for my two later non-merge reward challenges as well.


	10. Total DioraMomma Fortress

Chris introduced the show, "Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers were forced to climb to the top of the room to get the key. Although the competitors started out strong, things started to get _wishy-washy _after the Braves flooded the whole freaking room. Good thing I didn't put in carpeting! In the end, however, it was the Beauties who had to say goodbye, meanwhile the Brawns got their first win ever. And today, we have a special surprise for our explorers, and for once… it isn't a bad one… _for them…_" Chris cleared his throat, and continued, "Find out what that might be here on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"

"We won! I can't believe we won!" Heather shouted elatedly.

Duncan was also apparently elated, although the reason why was unclear, as he was not joining Heather in the victory chant.

Alejandro said, "Heather, since you are quite clearly the prettiest person on this team, you should open the door."

Heather said, "Me? But…"

Duncan chimed in, "Wow! Alejandro, you _don't _think _you're _the prettiest person on this team! Why I'm just _astonished."_

"Don't be snide," Alejandro said.

"Why not?" Duncan asked, "It's my thing!"

"It's _someone else's_ thing too," Alejandro responded, clenching his fist.

(In the confessional, Duncan said, "Alejandro seriously needs to chill a little. Ever since he overheard about the anti-him alliance he's been super paranoid of that pompous superior half-pint. I mean, don't get me wrong; I don't like him either. But seriously, Alejandro? Take a chill pill.")

The Brawns walked into the room, followed by the Braves, the Brains, and finally Gwen and LeShawna.

Gwen was visibly crying. LeShawna said, "It's okay, Gwen. We all have to let go sometimes."

"I know, I know, but it was so soon… I didn't even get a chance to kiss him goodbye…" Gwen said, continuing to cry.

"Hey," LeShawna interrupted, her eyes widening, "Where's DJ?"

"I… I haven't seen him," Gwen said, not crying, just confused.

They noticed DJ talking to Chris in the center of the room. Chris said, "Okay, I'll let them know. Thanks."

DJ walked over to Gwen and LeShawna, grinning.

"What do you have to be so chipper about?" LeShawna asked.

"Yeah," Gwen said, "We have a two day losing streak, Trent's gone…"

"I know," DJ said, "My momma heard about all that, so she… well… Chris is going to tell you soon, anyway!"

"Good day, explorers! Are you ready for a… reward challenge?" Chris asked.

"Reward!" Izzy shouted, "We have to win it! What is it what is it what is it what is it what is it?"

"Please slow down, motormouth," Chris said, grabbing her lips and holding them closed. "The prize will be… a pizza party!"

"Pizza!" Owen shouted, and then he started rubbing his tummy and making pleased noises.

"Is it disgusting Chef Hatchet pizza?" Duncan asked.

"Of course!" Chris answered, and then paused, and continued, "Not! It was made by DJ's mother herself because she felt so bad about her son's losing streak. Now, she wanted to just give it to the Beauties, but because I'm so nice, I'm going to give you a chance to play for it."

"Ah," Noah said, "'Nice'? Is _that _what they're calling that now?"

Chris glared at Noah, and then continued, "Today, you guys are going to build a diorama…"

"Wow," Noah said, "Did we get transported back to grade school?"

"That's _enough _with the snarky comments, Noah," Chris said.

"No such thing," was his reply.

"Anyway," Chris continued, exasperated, "The items given to you here will help you build a giant diorama. Each of you will get a proportionally built cardboard box tall enough for DJ to stand in. Chef will judge them based on how they look, and _I _will judge them on their meaning."

"Kiss the teacher's butt, get an A plus!" Noah shouted.

He expected Chris to glare at him, but Chris responded, "Exactly! Now get to work!"

Each team started building their diorama. Lindsay found some materials to make a beautiful doll. She got to work on that immediately, and when she was finished she showed it to Izzy, who tore it apart in an instant. Lindsay looked crushed. "Why did you _do _that?" she asked.

"This is supposed to look good," Izzy responded, "And it won't look good with any frilly dolls! Now, let's build a tank!"

(In the confessional, Lindsay said, "I'm starting to think that Izzy is maybe, just a little bit, bananas.")

"Did you notice Chris' reaction?" Noah asked his teammates.

"His reaction to…" Harold asked.

"My comment about butt kissing. This game is in the bag if we just make a diorama talking about how great Chris is," Noah said.

"But wouldn't that be… lying?" Harold asked.

"It's not _lying, _it's _fiction," _Cody responded. "Oh, and by the way, we should splatter it with food stains to appeal to the aesthetics judge."

"We don't have any food items in here," Harold said, "But we have oil paint!"

"Oil paint… okay, paint on some color that seems conceivably food-like, like brown or orange, and then wipe it off immediately," Noah said.

"Oh, we should put one of these gilded Chris awards in too!" Cody said, pulling the item out of the box.

"No, we have four. We should use _all _of them!" Harold shouted.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "You know what they say, three brains are better than one!")

DJ was busy cutting some green paper, and singing, while LeShawna sprinkled the scene with glitter. Gwen continued to draw heavy black rainclouds on the back wall, with rain coming out of them. Conveniently, she drew one just above her head, and stood under it.

"Please, Gwen," LeShawna said, "It's not that bad…"

"Not that bad… of _course _it's that bad!" she said. "I think I _love _Trent."

"But it's not like he died or something," DJ said, "You'll see him again before you know it."

"I… I guess," Gwen said.

Duncan walked up to her and asked, "Hey, Gwen, what's the matter?"

"What's the matter? _Trent got eliminated. _That's the matter!" she said.

Duncan said, "Oh, yeah, I'm really sad about that."

"You are?" Gwen asked incredulously, "I thought you'd be _happy."_

"What would give you that idea?" he asked.

(In the confessional Duncan sang, "I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh!" Then, he immediately made a shocked face, and then continued by saying, "Do not air this. If you do, you're dead, you hear! Don't you dare air this!")

"Duncan!" Alejandro shouted, "You're needed over here."

He looked down at Heather building a shrub for the set. He told her, "I think Duncan may be fraternizing with the enemy."

"You mean Gwen?" Heather asked, "No, _duh!"_

"Heather," Alejandro said, clasping her hands, "Duncan is merely a third wheel in our midst; the next time we lose an elimination challenge, will you…"

"Well," she said, "That depends on whether or not you start being an idiot."

"I won't be an idiot," Alejandro assured. "We shall be fine."

(In the confessional, Alejandro, shocked, shouted, "She had to _think _about it?")

"Code Vermillion," Noah said, decking out one of the Gilded Chris awards with tons of glitter.

"Code Vermillion?" Harold asked, "That means… Love Interest… conferring with… Enemy?"

"Oh my god!" Cody shouted, "Gwen and Duncan! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" He handed the box of streamers he was using to Harold and said, "Cover for me."

(In the confessional, Harold said, "Say what you will about Cody; but what you've got to admit is that he's steadfast.")

"Okay," Owen said, "We have to win this, because otherwise, all that delicious, amazing wonderful pizza will go to another team…"

"Whatever you say, Owen," Izzy said, off-screen.

"That means we shouldn't waste all the hot glue building a statue of you killing a dragon," Owen said, pointing to Izzy doing exactly that.

"It's not _wasting, _Owen, it's _art! _Come on, how many people do you know who can build a statue _entirely _out of glue?" Izzy asked.

"I… I still think my doll was…" Lindsay began.

Izzy interrupted her, saying "No it wasn't!"

Owen moved between the two girls and said, "Can't we all just get along?"

Izzy shouted, "NO!" which caused Owen to move backwards in shock. Lindsay frowned. Then she started picking up the remains of her wrecked doll and attempting to build it again.

(In the confessional, Owen said, "I know Izzy means well, but sometimes, she's just too much, you know?")

"What do you think you're doing?" Cody asked Duncan from off-screen. Duncan turned around looking nervous. "What are you planning? You're not planning to steal Gwen again, are you?"

"Steal her? I never _stole _her," Duncan said, "_She _left _him, _remember? If anything _he _stole her from _me."_

"She was his first," Cody defended, "And frankly, he deserves her more than you do."

"And _I _deserve her more than _you _do," Duncan said.

"_No you don't!" _Cody shouted.

Alejandro walked up and said, "Duncan, that is quite enough arguing with the microbe. We need to win this."

"Microbe!" Cody echoed, offended.

"Oh, no offense, Cody," Alejandro said, smiling smugly. He and Duncan walked away, although Duncan did not appear to be happy about it.

"Cody!" Gwen shouted, "Thanks for getting him to go away…"

"So you're really over him?" Cody asked. Gwen nodded. Cody breathed a sigh of relief and then said, "I'm so glad your senses are back."

Gwen and Cody stood around awkwardly for a few seconds and then Gwen said, "I'm back with Trent."

"Oh… oh, right," Cody said, and then he walked away, sighing quietly.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "Man… I just _cannot _catch a break!")

Harold and Noah were adding some finishing touches to their design, when Noah noticed something was missing. "We need to have a large banner saying Chris Is Da Bomb!"

"Can't we make it sound more, I don't know, 'us'? Like, Chris Is Extraordinarily Superior!"

"Extraordinarily _Superiorly Wonderfully Astonishingly Awesome!" _Noah said, "It's funny, because 'astonishment' is violent, and 'awesome' is scary, but everyone thinks they're good things."

"That's a great idea!" Harold shouted, "And we came up with it without Cody's help. By the way, thank you."

"You're thanking me? For what?" Noah asked, perplexed.

"For not being an insufferable know-it-all all the time!" Harold shouted.

"I _have _been an insufferable know-it-all. It's just that _now _that's a _good _thing and is giving our team advantage," Noah corrected. "By the way, thank _you _for not being a Trivial Pursuit deck."

"Give me time," Harold said, "I'm sure it will happen soon."

"Oh, great," Noah said, "Just what I needed."

"Hey guys," Cody said, returning, "Did you miss me?"

"Of course!" Harold said, "But look at our diorama."

"Nice!" Cody responded.

"Okay, Izzy," Owen said, "I hope that your plan works."

"It will work," Lindsay said, putting her doll right next to the glue statue.

Izzy glared at her and said, "I _said _no frilly dolls!" Lindsay started to cry.

"Izzy," Owen said, "You made her cry."

"I know…" Izzy said, looking sad, "It… I'm sorry."

(In the confessional, Lindsay continued to cry.)

"Now," Alejandro said, "Feast your eyes on our diorama."

It was a statue of Heather in the Thinker's pose, with a bunch of shrubs surrounding her in the shape of a heart. Duncan looked at it and nearly threw up. He said, "Alejandro, this was supposed to look _good." _Heather glared at him. "Oh, no offense, Heather, I mean, I know that you're totally hot and everything… but… being the centerpiece!" He burst into uncontrollable laughter. Alejandro and Heather exchanged glances; Heather nodded and then Alejandro knocked Duncan to the ground. "Ow," Duncan said indignantly.

"If you wanted a say in how it looked, you should have actually helped," Alejandro said bitterly.

"Time!" Chris shouted. Everybody stopped working. He and Chef Hatchet walked to each diorama with hands behind their backs. They first checked out the Delicate Beauties' diorama.

"I see," Chris said, "Mm-hm. What's this supposed to mean?"

"It's… uh… the unpredictability of the forecast!" DJ made up on the spot, and then he, Gwen, and LeShawna all grinned.

"Eh," Chris said, "I'm sure I've seen worse."

"But I think it looks..." Chef Hatchet began. Then he finished by shouting, "_Terrible!_"

"Let's call it 5 for meaning and 1 for looks," Chris said.

Gwen said sheepishly, "Sorry, guys."

"It's okay," DJ said, "I think it's better if other teams get my momma's pizza. Right, LeShawna?"

LeShawna was sad, and thinking about the pizza, but she answered, "Oh, yeah, right."

Then they went to the Valiant Braves. Chef Hatchet was awestruck nearly immediately. He said, "In all my life, I've never seen such a beautiful…" He wiped a tear from his eye, "…Doll!"

"What?" Owen asked neutrally.

"What?" Lindsay asked excitedly.

"What?" Izzy asked shocked.

"Oh, and this statue of you killing a dragon is really cool too!" Chef Hatchet said, "And the tank! Wow… just wow! A perfect ten for appearance!"

"Alright!" Owen shouted, but his excitement was soon interrupted when Chris asked his next question.

"But what does it _mean?" _Chris asked.

"Umm… uhh," Izzy said, and then she shrugged, "I don't really know."

"You don't?" Owen asked, "You didn't have a profound meaning behind it?"

"Well, I _did, _but then Lindsay had to put in her stupid _doll, _and now…" Izzy ranted.

"Zero for meaning," Chris said.

Owen looked dumbfounded.

"Don't worry, Owen," Izzy said, "They're being really strict. We're shoo-ins!"

"I wouldn't know… the other two teams have really nice looking ones," Lindsay said. Izzy told her to please hush.

The Harsh Brawns were visited third. Chef Hatchet laughed at it and said, "You know, this one looks pretty nice, but I can't imagine Chris giving you anything more than a three…"

"A three in looks," Chris said, as he wrote it down.

"No, no, no," Chef Hatchet corrected, "A _seven _in looks."

"Oh, my mistake," Chris said, correcting it. "But seriously, a diorama which has the meaning 'Heather is awesome'? I expected this kind of pandering from you two, but _Duncan?"_

"Don't blame me!" Duncan shouted, "I had no creative input whatsoever!"

"Why not?" Chris asked suspiciously (or so it would appear, but he already knew the answer in reality), "Did you participate in the challenge at all?"

"Umm," Duncan said, "Yes. But Alejandro is a fascist pig!"

"Fair enough. Two!" Chris said, and then walked away. Heather looked incredibly offended.

(In the confessional, Heather said, "A two! A two? For saying how awesome _I _am? Stupid Chris! Stupid, stupid Chris! I really wanted that pizza…")

Finally, Chris looked at the Sesquipedalian Brains' diorama. Chef Hatchet looked at what it said and started to laugh uncontrollably. "Guys, this is the most hilarious thing ever!" he shouted, "I'll give you an eight for looks. The two points are being docked because you didn't include any defaced photos of Chris."

"Fair enough," Noah said, "That would go against our meaning."

"Your meaning… which would be… what exactly?" Chris asked, hoping to hear them say it out loud.

"It is the meaning that Chris McLean is the most astonishingly awesome person ever," Cody answered, "It's written out pretty clearly. It's not picking up women." Chris gave Cody a weird look. "I… I mean rocket science."

(In the confessional, Harold said, "Oh come on! Who _hasn't _heard that joke before? But Chris was all," and then he waved his arm over his head quickly while making a "whoosh" sound.)

"Fine, then," Chris said, "A perfect ten! And the Sanskrit Potato Skin Brains win!"

"Oh come on, we just sucked up to you so much, can't you at least pronounce our name right?" Harold asked.

"You ask so much of me, choosing such a big word," Chris said, shrugging. "But the point is… you guys get pizza!"

"Alright," Cody said.

Owen fell to his knees and shouted, "NOOOOOOOOO!"

Izzy and Lindsay tried to comfort him but he was sobbing uncontrollably.

Harold and Cody exchanged glances with Noah, who motioned his head in Owen's general direction. They nodded in approval.

"Big guy," Noah said, "Listen… you can probably tell from our meager weights and sedentary lifestyles—especially mine—that we couldn't possibly eat all this pizza ourselves. Why don't you join us?"

"You… you mean it?" Owen asked, grinning.

"Of course," Noah said, "What are friends for?"

Owen rushed over and hugged Noah, which was unfortunate for the latter's comfort. Izzy smiled. So did Cody and Harold.

Harold, Noah, Cody, and Owen enjoyed pizza.

"Mmm," Harold said, "Let me be the first to say, that DJ's mother is the greatest cook ever!"

"The first to say it was probably DJ's father, assuming she was in no long-term relationships before then, which she probably was, and then DJ himself—unless he has some older siblings I don't know about—and then some of his childhood friends, so, you're a little late to the punch," Noah teased.

"You know what I mean!" Harold shouted.

"Can't we just enjoy the pizza?" Owen asked.

"We are enjoying the pizza," Cody said, "Sesquipedalian Style. You don't mind, do you, Owen?"

"Of course not!" Owen said, and then he pulled the other three into a group hug. "Having a pizza party with some of my best friends! How awesome!"

"Aww, isn't that sweet?" Chris asked, and then he said, "Will Noah be able to get Owen to help in his anti-Alejandro alliance? Will Duncan and Gwen get back together, or will she get a restraining order on him? Will Izzy and Lindsay be able to settle their differences? Find out on the next episode of Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	11. Pummeled Legs and Ghost

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to build giant dioramas to be judged by Chef and me. There were some pretty good contenders for looks, but most of them had pretty crappy meanings. Except of course for the one that talked about how _awesome _I am. New favorite team? I think so! The Brains won the challenge and got the prize: delicious, cheesy pizza. But today, someone will not be so lucky. Find out who on Total. Drama. Fortress!" Chris introduced the show.

The Sesquipedalian Brains had no trouble deciding who would open the door. Cody handed the key to Noah and said, "Your strategy was _brilliant. _Again!" He winked, smiled, and gave a thumbs-up.

"Please," Noah said, "Isn't it more important to praise something that _isn't _constant?"

"Like the fact that we won?" Harold asked.

"More like the fact that you aren't being annoying," Noah responded. Harold looked upset.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "Noah… well, I mean, he thinks that just because he's smarter than I am, that's an excuse to insult me! Doesn't he remember how thoroughly I owned him in the first season?")

The Sesquipedalian Brains walked into the room, followed by the Valiant Braves, the Harsh Brawns, and the Delicate Beauties. Owen rubbed his belly, and then said, "Oh, man, that pizza was some _good _eatsa."

"I'm glad you got to have some, big guy," Izzy responded.

"Like," Lindsay began, "I'm sad because I didn't get any."

"It's okay, Lindsay," Izzy responded, "We have plenty of time! Braves, _onward!"_

Duncan smiled at Gwen. Gwen turned her head. Cody looked in their general direction, and then mumbled, "Stupid criminal…"

"Why don't you go punch him?" Noah asked.

"Umm… because that was… umm, well," Cody began, not sure how to answer, "Do you _want _me to punch him?"

"I don't care," Noah said, "But if you want to, you should."

Heather whispered to Alejandro, "Duncan's looking at Gwen again."

"I know, dear Heather," Alejandro responded, "If we lose, we know exactly who to blame."

Duncan said, "Hey, don't sweat it, Gwen, I'll help you."

"Leave," she said, coldly.

"Well, I don't know what's gotten into you," he said, taking her hand, "You used to be so sweet to me."

"Did you _not _hear what she just said?" LeShawna asked, "She told you to _leave."_

"Well, fine then," Duncan said.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "What's gotten into me? Well, I mean, getting back together with Trent reminded me just how much of a jerk Duncan is. I just… I just wish he'd _stop _already. I never saw myself as that hot, but for some reason all the guys want to stalk me!")

"Hey, explorers!" Chris greeted. "I didn't remember to tell you guys that the fortress was _haunted."_

"_Haunted?" _DJ exclaimed, and then jumped backwards into LeShawna's arms. LeShawna's legs shook and she fell to the ground.

"Yes," Chris answered in deadpan, "This place is haunted."

"I think…" Duncan began.

"And the ghost is really attracted to sarcastic, derisive, or insulting comments about him," Chris continued.

"I wonder why," Gwen said.

Chris was not amused.

"I bet it's because he's such an easy target," Noah responded.

Chris cleared his throat and then asked, "Are you _quite _finished?"

"Finished?" Duncan asked, "We're just getting started!"

"Valiant Braves, are you guys going to join in the 'fun?'" Chris said, still frowning.

"No, we're good," Izzy said, "Noah and the others are doing such a good job without us." Then she said, "Oh, wait, that was one, wasn't it?" She stared at the camera, and started saying, "Beep. Beep. Beep."

"Oh no!" Owen shouted, "Izzy's going to explode!"

"I bet it's because the ghost possessed her," Gwen said in a mock-frightened tone.

"What ghost? You mean Chef in a sheet?" Noah asked.

"Who told you? I mean… no, the ghost is a very real, and very dead ghost, and is most certainly not Chef in a sheet," Chris said, "Beware!"

"Okay…" DJ said, very seriously, prompting his teammates to both give him a weird look.

"Now, in order to win, you must fight the ghost off. If he captures you, you are out," Chris said.

"And if you capture _him _you are out," Noah said, clearing his throat harshly.

Chris averted his eyes and said, "No, don't listen to the persnickety little liar. If you fend him off, you win!"

"We've got this in the _bag," _Izzy shouted. "Come on, Owen! Lindsay! Let's _own _this!"

"Like, yeah!" Lindsay responded.

"Whatever you say, Izzy," Owen said.

(In the confessional, Izzy said, "Well, I mean duh. We're the _Braves. _Of course we're not scared of some silly ghost.")

Gwen and LeShawna walked through the hallway nonchalantly. DJ followed, and then he asked, "Ladies, are you sure we're going to have to fight against the g-g-ghost?"

"It's not a real ghost," LeShawna said, "Do you believe in ghosts, DJ?"

"Well," DJ said, "When I was six, there was a ghost in the house. It threw the pots and pans all over the ground in the night."

"Umm, DJ, are you sure that wasn't an animal?" Gwen asked, looking confused.

"Yeah," DJ said, "Because I saw it with my own two eyes. My momma said it was a dream. Maybe it was. But I don't want to take any chances."

"Well, you don't have to worry today, DJ. The ghost is just Chef in a sheet!" Gwen said, shrieking the last word because she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around and then saw Duncan. "What the? Duncan! You scared the crap out of me!"

"Sorry," he shrugged.

"Shouldn't you be helping your team?" Gwen asked.

Duncan shrugged, and then he said, "Eh, they can do this by themselves."

"So can we," Gwen responded.

"Really?" Duncan asked, looking at the trembling DJ.

LeShawna said, "He'll snap out of it soon." DJ continued to tremble. From around the corner, Heather and Alejandro poked their heads in.

Heather gasped, and then whispered, "Alejandro! Look! There's the _traitor _in action. He's going to make us lose for sure!"

"Worry not, Heather" Alejandro whispered, "For I… have a plan!"

"What is your master plan?" Heather asked.

He grabbed an end of her hair and pulled it hard, causing her to cry out. "What the heck?" she whispered harshly.

"Stay here," Alejandro commanded quietly, and then he ran into another room, and started pretending to cry. He looked up, waiting for Duncan, and began tapping his foot, and then continued pretending to cry.

(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "I thought that even Duncan would be gentlemanly enough to help a damsel in distress. But I guess I was wrong…")

The Sesquipedalian Brains were occupying this room. Harold asked, "What's with him?"

"I don't know," Noah responded, "Maybe he broke a nail."

"Or… or has split ends," Cody said.

"Or is wearing an ill-fitting bra," Harold suggested.

Alejandro became increasingly annoyed. He stopped pretending to cry, and decided to sneak up behind the Brains and shout, "Aboogaboogabooga!" This caused Noah to flinch, Harold to fall over, and Cody to jump into Noah's arms, which caused _Noah _to fall over, so all three of them were on the ground.

"Alejandro!" Noah scolded.

"I'm not the one hiding something," he said, and then he walked away.

"Who's hiding something?" Harold asked.

"_No one's _hiding anything," Noah responded with finality. "Now we have to look for that stupid ghost."

"Great tactic, Noah," Harold said, "Lure him in!"

"Tactic? What tactic? Oh, you mean, calling him a stupid ghost? Yeah, _come get me you stupid ghost! You're qualified to be in my sports league! _And you can be in class with all the coolest kids! And your fashion sense is comparable to a certain male model's…" Chef Hatchet appeared behind Noah, dressed in a sheet.

"Oooooooooh!" he shouted, "I've got you now, my pretties!" He grabbed Noah and tossed him aside.

"Gosh, Chef, if you want to be a ghost, you could at least _try _not to sound like a wicked witch… even if it is one from the west," Harold said, which caused Chef to do the same thing to Harold.

Cody looked at him and then said, "Nice Chef-ghost," nervously. He then ran away, screaming his lungs out.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "I'm not proud of leaving Cody all alone. But what has to be said has to be said!")

"Izzy, where are we?" Owen asked.

"We're in the ghost's _secret lair," _was her reply.

"It looks like a bathroom," Owen responded.

It was revealed to be a bathroom, with a drippy faucet, and a dirty toilet. Izzy examined the drippy faucet and said, "This is where the ghost keeps his ghostly _soul water."_

"Like, what's soul water?" Lindsay asked, confused.

"If you drink it, you turn into a _zombie!" _she shouted, announcing the final word in a false baritone. Then she put her head under the faucet and tried to drink it.

"Izzy, no!" Owen shouted, and then pushed her over. Cody ran by.

"Hi, Cody," Izzy said. "Where's Noah?"

"Gotten!" Cody said quickly, "Run away!"

"The ghost _got _Noah?" Owen asked concernedly, "Oh, no! Oh, why couldn't I be there to protect him? That stupid ghost! When I get my hands on him, I'm going to kill him and make him a ghost of a ghost. And then I'm going to kill _that _ghost and make _him _a ghost of a ghost of a ghost!"

"You called?" Chef Hatchet asked, causing Lindsay to shriek in terror and Izzy to jump upwards.

"Grrraaaaa!" Owen shouted, and then he began attacking Chef Hatchet's legs. "You! Hurt! Poor! Innocent! Little! Noah!" he continued, kicking on every word.

(In the confessional, Izzy said, "Sometimes I'm confused about why I love Owen. But then I see this, and then I think, yeah, that's why.")

Cody continued to run away and smacked into Gwen. "Oh, sorry," Gwen said.

"No, it's my fault; I need to look where I'm going," Cody said, and then he continued to run.

"The ghost is around here," Gwen said, "Come get us, you big old phony!"

Chef Hatchet arrived, although he was visibly limping. He reached for Gwen, but Duncan got in the way. He grabbed Duncan, and tossed him aside.

"R-r-run!" DJ stuttered, and then he and LeShawna headed off.

"Wait for me, guys!" Gwen shouted. She started to run after them but she tripped. "Heh, heh," she said nervously to Chef Hatchet and then said, "If I tell you where Alejandro is will you leave me alone?"

"According to the rules, that's biased," Chef Hatchet said, "But it's not like Chris will care, so, sure."

"He's in that room over there," Gwen said, pointing Chef Hatchet in his general direction.

"Thanks," Chef Hatchet responded, and then he headed in that direction.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "Yeah, I'm trying to get the Harsh Brawns to lose. Does that make me a terrible person? Oh, I sure hope not…")

"Where is Duncan?" Heather asked, "If he got himself captured by the ghost, I'm going to rip out his…"

"Shh," Alejandro hushed Heather, pushing her against a wall. "I think… the ghost is near."

"The ghost is… near?" Heather asked, and then they both looked up at Chef Hatchet's looming eyes and screamed.

Chef Hatchet picked up Alejandro and then gently placed him on the ground, dusting him off. "Just so you know, that counts as an out," Chef Hatchet told him, which caused his expression to change from dumbfounded to annoyed.

"_Where _is _Duncan?" _Heather asked angrily.

"Where _you're _about to go!" Chef Hatchet said, picking her up, and trying to toss her aside. Alejandro tried to stop him, but was held back by Chris, who not-so-kindly reminded him he was out.

"And now… since your entire team has been captured, you're facing _elimination," _Chris said.

"Oh, worry not, Chris," Alejandro said, "We know _exactly _who to get rid of."

"Yes, we do," Heather said, "And maybe _he _would have a hint _too _if he was _ever actually around!"_

"Well," Chris said, perking up his ears, "I think I hear him coming now." DJ and LeShawna ran through the room. "No wait, that's just some Delicate Beauties." He did so again. Cody ran through the room screaming and flailing and ran right into Chef Hatchet.

He said, "We… we lost…"

"No," Chris said, "You didn't. You and the Salsa Pit Hellion Brains are safe from elimination. Unfortunately, because you ran away like a scared little wiener dog instead of facing up to him, you don't win either."

"Oh, well," Cody said, panting heavily, "Better than last place."

"Where's Gwen?" Chris asked suspiciously.

"I think we let her get caught by the ghost," DJ said sadly.

Chef Hatchet shrugged, and then said, "Uhh, I haven't seen her since I went after these two."

"Well, I don't know where she is," LeShawna said confusedly. Then, Gwen and Duncan ran into the room.

"Hey guys," Gwen said, "I'm okay!" DJ and LeShawna cheered.

"Hey guys!" Duncan said, "I'm okay, too." Both Alejandro and Heather glared at him.

"Where the heck were you?" Chef Hatchet asked, "I caught you a long time ago!"

"Oh, that, well, you see the funny thing is…" Duncan began.

The Valiant Braves then entered the room. Owen was panting and then he said, "I've finally caught up to you, ghost! Now, what did you do with Noah?"

"Umm," Chef Hatchet said, picking up and presenting the small nerd to Owen, "He's right here. Look, completely unharmed. Now please don't kick me anymore."

"Put me down," Noah demanded.

"Right away," Chef Hatchet said.

"Oh my gosh, Noah!" Owen shouted. "You're okay! Oh boy oh boy oh boy!" He gave Noah a big hug.

"The Valiant Braves win!" Chris shouted, "And, as I said before, it's bye-bye to a Brawn tonight."

Heather made a kill gesture to Duncan who looked very nervous.

In the elimination ceremony, Chris said, "Among you it is clear who deserves to be voted off. And of course, the bags of pyrite go to Alejandro and… Heather. Goodbye Duncan."

"No fair," Duncan complained, "These jerks were conspiring against me!"

"Well, can you blame them?" Chris asked in deadpan, "After all, you did abandon them for two straight challenges, help another team…"

"Alright, alright!" he complained. "Fine. I'll go."

After the elimination ceremony, the Sesquipedalian Brains conversed.

"Hey, Harold," Noah said, "Remember your promise to me."

"How could I forget?" Harold asked, "You derisively said it meant nothing."

"That's before this happened," Noah said.

"Yeah, well, I'll remember. Alejandro's got to go," Harold said, "But I have a feeling everything will be a lot quieter now that Duncan's gone."

Chris concluded, "Will the Harsh Brawns ever be able to recover from this rut? Will the Delicate Beauties ever win again? What will become of the anti-Alejandro alliance? And what will become of _Chef's legs_? Find out the answers to these questions, next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	12. Drop a Bridge on Em

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to brave the ghost of the fortress, who, I still stand by, was _not _Chef in a sheet. Thanks to Noah's refusal to heed my very excellent warnings, Owen decided to get revenge on the ghost, making it a victory for the Braves. Unfortunately, Duncan was too busy trying to get Gwen back to help out his team, making the Brawns lose their third elimination challenge, and they lost him. Too bad, so sad. Find out who will be the next to go, here on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

Owen, Lindsay, and Izzy held the key. Owen offered the chance to open the door to Lindsay, who gladly did so, quickly. The Valiant Braves entered the room, followed by the Delicate Beauties, the Sesquipedalian Brains, and the Harsh Brawns.

"We lost again," Heather said bitterly, "I can't believe it."

"Relax, Heather," Alejandro responded, "Now that we are free of that ball and chain we can continue our mission in peace."

Cody was skipping around and humming. Noah said, "You best be careful, Cody. With luck like yours, you'll fall into something."

"Oh, no," Cody said calmly, "Don't worry about me, Noah." He forgot to look where he was going and fell into a pool of water. He propelled himself to the top, and spat out some water. "What the heck?"

"Told you," Noah responded, smiling teasingly.

"Look at all the water!" Harold shouted. "It's intense!"

Chris appeared, and said, "Hey, explorers! Do you see the key?"

LeShawna squinted, and Gwen put her hand over her forehead to get better focus. Gwen said, "I think I see it over there… on the other side… of the water."

"Each team has a path to the key, but unfortunately, the path is completely blocked by water. So what you have to do is take each of these blocks and use them to form a bridge," Chris said.

The Harsh Brawns groaned while the Sesquipedalian Brains exchanged meaningful looks.

(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "We are far above this menial work. Give us a real challenge.")

(In the confessional, Harold said, "We're going to swamp everyone today! I mean, this is in so many video games, it's such a cliché… We have this _nailed. _Don't tell Noah I said that, or he'll get mad at me for 'tempting fate'.")

Lindsay began picking up the blocks and putting them in the water. "Wow, Lindsay," Owen said, "You really know what you're doing."

"Yeah, I know, right?" she asked, giggling.

"Can I test the blocks?" Owen asked.

Lindsay responded with a smile, "Sure! I don't see why not."

As soon as Owen put one foot on the block, it flew toward the platform with no hope for recovery. Chris looked at it as it landed next to the key, and then he said, "Nice."

"Oh, well," Lindsay said, cheerily, "I'll just get more."

(In the confessional, Owen said, "I really messed up… but on this team no one cares if I mess up. We're all so friendly!")

"Hmm," DJ said, looking at two sets of blocks. "These blocks look bigger, but these ones look sturdier."

"Well," LeShawna said, "We should use the sturdier ones. After all, you and I are going to have to walk across them."

"Would it be illegal to just send Gwen across?" DJ asked.

"Well," Chris said, "If I told you, it wouldn't be fun, now would it?"

"Of course it would be," LeShawna responded, "Certainly more than if you don't."

"Well, then, in that case, maybe I _should," _Chris responded. Then he said, "Psych!" and started laughing.

(In the confessional, LeShawna said, "Okay, if we lose because of _that_, then I'm going to kill Chris!")

Alejandro and Heather tried to build the bridge. Alejandro kept doing all the work, which annoyed Heather. Heather said, "Alejandro, let me help!"

"Oh," Alejandro said, "But I can do this by myself. Besides, I don't want you to get injured."

"I won't get injured," Heather said, "Now let me help." She picked up a block, and then tried to place it in the water, but lost her footing and fell in.

Then, in complete deadpan, Noah said, "Bummer." Alejandro glared at Noah as he helped pull Heather out of the water.

Harold's ears perked up and then he shouted, "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! We have to talk about our favorite mazes _right now."_

Noah rolled his eyes, and then said, "Pity. It was good while it lasted." Then he walked away.

"Don't leave me hanging, Noah!" Harold shouted. When there was no response he asked, "Noah?"

Noah and Cody worked together to push a block into the water.

"Man," Cody said, "Why do you think they make these blocks so freaking heavy?"

"To ruin our chance of winning? No, seriously, it's so that they can support us," Noah responded. "If they were lighter, they would be too buoyant to hold steady. That's what the Braves over there are doing wrong." Then he turned around and said, "Use the heavier blocks."

Lindsay said, "Like, okay," and then she started to pick the heavier block up.

Izzy blocked her, and then said, "Noah's on the other team. He's obviously trying to trick you! So if he says 'use the heavier blocks', what he means is 'lighter is better.'"

"Umm…" Lindsay said, "Okay."

Noah face-palmed.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "Hey, well, who knew that charitable advice could turn into a benefit for our team? Why don't the bad guys ever think of reverse psychology?")

DJ had been working on the bridge for a while, and then saw that he only had one block left. He looked at the platform on the other side of the pool, and was unsure that his block would be long enough to reach the end. He took a deep breath and then started to push the block across the bridge. He made it to the end of the line, and pushed the block into the water. He could then clearly see a gap where the water was exposed between the bridge and the keys.

"Uh-oh," he said, and then he attempted to jump over the gap. He could not, and fell into the water very soon, and then started sinking due to his mesomorphic body. He was very freaked out at this moment and started shouting for the girls to come help him. LeShawna and Gwen rushed over the (incomplete) bridge to help DJ out of the water.

DJ, all shaken up, decided to go wait on the other side. LeShawna asked Chris angrily, "Where the heck are the rest of the blocks?"

"You see them," Chris said, pointing to the light ones.

"You have got to be kidding me!" she said, "These little toys can't support any of us!"

"Well, maybe you should have thought of that before using all of the big ones in a row," Chris responded unsympathetically.

"Heh," Harold said, listening to the exchange, "Who knew our underweight state could actually be a boon in this challenge?"

"What do you mean?" Cody asked, having not heard the prior conversation between Chris and the Beauties.

"Well, apparently, we should put in one of those little blocks every three or four heavy blocks in order to reach the end," Harold said.

"We don't have to," Noah responded, "It's so much easier if you just rotate the blocks diagonally."

"Because… because the hypotenuse of a triangle is longer than either of its legs," Harold said.

"But what about the narrow connecting points?" Cody asked.

"We'll just skip over them," Noah responded, "Unless you guys have some sort of problem with that."

"Well, I mean, I could fall in the water again…" Cody said sheepishly.

"I will rescue you," Noah said, "I promise."

"Well, then, yes! Let's do it, Professor!" Cody said, saluting.

"Honestly, I thought that nickname was over by now…" Noah said.

"Never," Cody said, and then he and the others attempted to shift the blocks, building it up so that each block pointing with the diagonal line directly approaching the platform. It was a bit hard to push the blocks across the narrowest points but the boys managed.

Heather and Alejandro had gotten very close to finishing, when they hit the same roadblock as the Delicate Beauties did. But instead of despairing, Heather just shoved the light ones in at the end, and then told Alejandro, "Stay here."

"Yes, my sweet," he responded.

She ran across the bridge quickly, sprinting across the second half before the buoyant blocks could sweep her off her feet.

She managed to grab the key on the platform. "Ha-ha," she said, "I got here first! Take that, Brains, Beauties, and Braves!"

"Oh, no," Izzy said, looking at Heather on the platform, "The Brawns already won! We're going to lose for sure unless we hurry!"

"Don't worry, Izzy," Lindsay said, as she started to hop across the buoyant blocks with no problem, but then stopped short when she realized their team had not put in a single heavy block yet. "Umm… Omar? Do you know how to finish this?"

"Oh, no problem," Owen said, picking up the heavier blocks and tossing them haphazardly in the water. The end result was a scattered array of blocks that not only was completely incomprehensible to the eyes as a bridge, but led nowhere near the platform. "Oopsie…" he trailed off, as Lindsay and Izzy looked at the way that they had built the bridge.

(In the confessional, Owen said, "I'm hosed, aren't I?")

(In the confessional, Izzy said, "Vote for Owen? No way! Not even if he lost this game… he's going to be so awesome later.")

The Delicate Beauties were having a slight bit of trouble too. But Gwen said, "Here's my reasoning, guys. If Heather won, then I can place our rank by myself; if I can't place our rank myself, then Heather didn't win and there's no hurry."

"I guess that's true," DJ responded. "Go, Gwen!"

Gwen walked across the blocks, including the buoyant ones, and met Heather on the other side.

"Crap," Harold shouted, "We're losing!"

"Not yet," Cody said, "Spot me!" Cody walked carefully across each block skipping over the narrow passages on each end of the blocks. Noah and Harold followed, if only to make sure the luckless one didn't hurt himself or drown. Since neither of them were well-known for being lucky either, Cody returned the favor.

When the team reached the end, Chris announced, "The Six Quit Ped-Alien Brains win!"

"Wow, running out of ideas, much?" Noah asked.

"Hey, shut up, before I take it back," Chris said.

Heather asked, "What?" with a shocked expression on her face, "No!"

"Guys," Gwen said, "Hurry and cross to the end."

LeShawna and DJ nodded, and were able to cross the first part of the bridge without fear, but became very nervous when they reached the last leg.

"It's okay, LeShawna!" Harold shouted, "Remember: Walking on the moon!"

LeShawna smiled, and then grabbed DJ's hand, and crossed the water.

(In the confessional, LeShawna said, "Call the Sesquipedalian Brains uncool if you like; but you can't deny they have a sense of charity.")

"Alejandro!" Heather shouted, "Hurry up! We don't want Team Stupid and Weird to beat us!"

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, Heather," Alejandro said, staring at the failed bridge that the Valiant Braves had built. "Good luck, Owen!" he shouted tauntingly.

Owen smiled nervously at Alejandro, who was now, very slowly making his way across the gap.

"You're so kind," Noah shouted to Alejandro.

"Thank you," Alejandro responded.

"Oh, the irony!" Cody shouted, which prompted Harold to groan audibly. "Okay, yeah, that was bad."

Alejandro still was nowhere near the platform, when Chris started to tap his foot.

"Alejandro," he said, "You might _think _you have all day, but _we _don't, so hurry up already!"

"Alright, alright," Alejandro said, walking across the pool much quicker now, and then falling in the water near the end.

" *Bleep* my life," Alejandro said.

"You totally deserved it," Noah responded, prompting Cody to give him a high five.

"Alright, you big stupid man," Heather said, pulling him out of the water. "We're safe from elimination."

"Exactly!" Chris shouted, "So… the Valiant Braves are going to have to say goodbye to one of their members."

Izzy and Owen looked at each other sadly. "It's my fault we lost," Owen cried, "It was my fault that the bridge didn't work."

"Well, that wouldn't have come up if I didn't assume our _friend _was lying to us," Izzy said, and then she made a motion to her head while saying, "Doi!"

"Well, yeah, but… I was the one who ruined the first block!" Owen responded. "I don't want you to go!"

"I don't want you to go either!" Izzy shouted, and then hugged Owen.

Izzy and Owen looked at each other, and then Izzy said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Well," Owen said, "It just seems so unfair to vote off Lindsay…"

"Oh, great!" she responded without irony, "You are thinking what I'm thinking." She grabbed Owen's arm and they walked away.

The votes were cast, and the Valiant Braves met Chris in the elimination chamber. Chris said, "Wow, this vote is so shocking..."

"What is it?" Lindsay asked, naively smiling. Owen and Izzy looked at each other. Owen was clearly unhappy.

"Umm, okay, so even though it was Izzy and Owen's fault that your team lost today, they're both safe." Lindsay blinked. "Which means that you're voted off."

"What?" Lindsay asked.

"I suppose I can hand out these bags of pyrite," Chris began.

"No way," Owen said, "I don't deserve it. I was a jerk."

"Umm, okay," Chris said, "Then I guess I'll keep them because I'm totally not a jerk at all and am most certainly not a bigger jerk than you."

"Exactly," Owen responded.

Chris then opened the Trap of Shame which Lindsay fell into and once she reached the bottom she started crying.

"Oh my good golly gosh!" Owen shouted at her, "Are you injured?"

"No," Lindsay cried, "The fall broke my designer belt buckle!"

"Okay," Chris said, "Ten down, ten to go! Will Harold ever get Noah to stop thinking he's annoying again? Will our two teams that are now just couples form an alliance? And will Lindsay ever be able to replace her designer belt buckle?"

"No," Lindsay responded sadly, "It's one of a kind!"

Owen looked very unhappy and worried.

"Find out, next time, on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	13. Abyssy BumbleKey

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to build bridges across an expansive pool of water in order to find the key. Some of the blocks were sturdy, others flew away under Owen's feet. Thanks to some mathematical know-how and teamwork, the Brains took another victory for their team. Unfortunately, the Valiant Braves lost Lindsay, and now are a terrible duo. With nine contestants remaining, who will be the next to go, here on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

The Sesquipedalian Brains agreed that Cody should have a chance to open the door, which he was happy to take. "That was a great run, guys! We're doing awesome! And you two were being so unselfish too. I'm used to being on teams with selfish people."

"I am too," Noah responded. "Lying, selfish people."

"But what you guys did back there was awesome!" Cody said.

"So you aren't mad at us for giving charity to less fortunate teams?" Harold asked.

"Of course not," Cody responded.

After the Sesquipedalian Brains walked in, the Delicate Beauties followed, then the Harsh Brawns, and finally the Valiant Braves.

"Hey, Al!" Owen shouted, "Our team is as small as yours now."

"Don't remind me how small my team is…" Alejandro said without amusement.

"It's okay, Alejandro," Heather responded, smiling, "We didn't lose the last challenge…"

"True," Alejandro responded, "But only time will tell how long we can keep it up."

LeShawna caught sight of Harold and said, "Hey, there, hot stuff! I just wanted to thank you for helping me out again."

"Oh, yeah," Harold said, "It was nothing."

"I hope your team isn't getting suspicious that you're throwing challenges…" LeShawna said, shifting her eyes.

"Oh, no, they're totally cool with it," Harold responded, "In fact, Noah's been helping the Valiant Braves pretty consistently."

"My, my, my," LeShawna responded, "Your team doesn't have a lot of motivation to win, does it?"

"If being motivated to win means being a jerk, then no, we're not motivated to win," Harold responded. LeShawna laughed.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "If there's one thing LeShawna can't stand, it's having too much pride in your team. That's why she's so annoyed with Heather. If she knew Courtney like I did, she'd probably hate her too.")

"Hey, Gwen?" DJ asked, "I was just wondering if you knew where LeShawna went."

"Oh, yeah, I haven't seen her," Gwen shrugged, and then she turned around to see LeShawna and Harold talking. "Well, she's talking to Harold."

"Isn't that sweet?" DJ asked.

"But wait," Gwen said, "Look. Something's not right here."

She was referring to how LeShawna kept making suspicious glances, and then shook hands with Harold at the end of the ordeal.

"Oh my god," Gwen whispered, "You don't think that she…"

"…Is giving information to the other team?" DJ asked, and then he held his ground, "No. Perish the thought."

"I know it's not nice to suspect a friend," Gwen said, "But that looked pretty well…"

"No," DJ responded, "LeShawna is not giving information to the other team. We can trust her."

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "I know that it's not nice to suspect a friend! I really do. But I can't help how I feel. Maybe I should just confront LeShawna.")

"Good day, explorers!" Chris shouted, "And welcome to the room of _doom!" _Taking a single-button remote out of his pocket, he pressed the button, and the walls began to rise, revealing that not only was the room far larger than it was initially thought to be, but that there was a terrifying, gaping abyss all over the room.

DJ squeaked when he saw the abyss. Gwen pat him on the shoulder, to calm his nerves.

"Where did you hide the key?" Noah asked, "At the bottom of the abyss?"

"Man, you are just _on a roll _with these guesses," Chris responded.

"Seriously?" Heather asked, annoyed, "You can't be serious!"

"Of course he's serious, Heather," Noah responded, "He's _Chris!"_

"Well, you were trying to be sarcastic the first time! Aren't you even a little surprised?" Heather asked.

"Not even slightly," Noah responded.

(In the confessional, Heather said, "If I didn't know any better, I'd say that little twerp was trying to call me an idiot!")

(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "Noah thinks he can get away with calling Heather an idiot? Well, I'll squash him like a _bug _for that.")

"Anyway," Chris said, after waiting for the banter to finish, "The key is at the bottom of the abyss. And, obviously, you guys cannot just go down and grab it. What you need to do is construct a tool out of the items that we give you. Since the Brains and Beauties have more people, they will get virtually nothing. The Braves and Brawns will fare slightly better."

"Sweet!" Izzy said, upon receiving the box of supplies. "Don't worry, Owen, I'll do everything!"

"Oh, you don't have to, Izzy," Owen responded, "I'd be happy to help."

"No, no, no," Izzy said, "I've got this." A few seconds later, Izzy finished building her tool, which was not shown on camera. Owen gave it an odd look.

Chris took one look at it, and started laughing. Then he said, "Izzy, I think you might need to rebuild that."

"Why?" Izzy asked, "It's perfect!"

"Umm…" Owen said, "Well, it certainly… looks nice…"

"But Izzy," Chris said, "We're on live TV."

"Oh, right," Izzy said, breaking apart the tool off screen and saying, "Stupid, stupid censorship regulations. Slip! It! Through!"

"No," Chris said, "We already used enough of that budget with this ridiculous exchange. Now, seriously, rebuild it."

(In the confessional, Owen said, "Chris doesn't appreciate true art is all.")

"What are we going to do, Gwen?" DJ asked, "We have almost nothing to work with here. And you know how I am with heights…"

"It's okay, DJ," Gwen said, handing a cord to him. "Just wrap this around me and send me down to grab the key."

"But what if you fall and get hurt?" DJ asked worriedly.

Gwen looked and him and told him calmly, "I won't."

(In the confessional, DJ said, while fretting, "'I won't'. That's what they all say right before they _do! _I'm not going to send Gwen down…")

DJ was hesitating strongly. Noah and Cody were both trying to rationally argue why it was better for each other to stay on the surface while they went down to get the key.

"You're more bad luck prone than I am," Noah argued, "If you do it there's almost a guarantee you'll get hurt."

"But your head is more valuable, and it's already been injured once this game," Cody retorted, "If you get hurt it will be far worse than if I get hurt."

"Why are we even arguing about this? Harold's taller than both of us," Noah said, "If he would be willing to take the plunge too, then he would clearly be the best choice."

"Speaking of which… where is Harold?" Cody asked. "I haven't seen him since this morning."

"I think he and LeShawna might have some sort of secret alliance that he never bothered to tell us about," Noah responded.

"Hey, Harold?" Cody asked, "Harold?"

"Oh, yeah," Harold said, "The game! We should probably get back to our teams right about now."

"I'll see you later, Harold," LeShawna responded, waving, and heading back to her team.

Heather and Alejandro were trying to fashion a tool, which Heather insisted on making a grip, and which Alejandro insisted on making a skewer.

"When the key is found at the bottom, it's not going to stick to a skewer like a piece of trash," Heather said, "If you haven't noticed, keys are _made of metal."_

"Right," Alejandro said, "Because the grip is going to be so much more useful for grabbing something so _flat. _Besides, the keys have holes for the skewer to stick through."

"Maybe I should send _you _to get the key," Heather said.

"Maybe you should," Alejandro responded, "That's what the Brains _and _the Beauties are doing." Then he looked to see an extremely freaked out DJ, a distracted LeShawna, and an impatient Gwen in one direction, and the Sesquipedalian Brains discussing the matter at length. "Well, trying to do, at least. There's a cord in there, right?"

"Of course," Heather said, pulling it out, and then wrapping it tightly around Alejandro's waist. She then took a large hunk of wood and tied the cord around it. Then she kicked Alejandro into the pit, which caused him to freak out slightly. "Do you see the key?" she shouted down.

He looked around, and then said, "Negative. We need to find a new location."

"Well, then," Heather said, hoisting him up violently, "Let's go hijack the nerds' turf."

"I love the way you think, Heather," Alejandro said, beaming. They both got up and went over to where the Sesquipedalian Brains were.

"Bump!" Heather shouted, shoving Cody over.

"Ow!" Cody responded indignantly.

"Alejandro, just in case you've forgotten, stealing is generally frowned upon by society," Noah said.

"So is being a snotty people-hater," Alejandro responded. Noah glared at him.

"Well you gotta admit he's got a point," Harold said, which caused the glare to be redirected. "What? He does!"

"Guys, come on," Cody said, "We can't turn against each other if we're going to defend our turf from those _bullies."_

"Duly noted, Cody," Noah responded, "If _someone _can keep his thoughts to himself for now."

"Gosh!" Harold shouted, "You dish it like a lunch lady, but if I offer you even a _smidge…"_

"Guys!" Cody shouted, "No."

"Okay, Cody," Noah said sheepishly, "I'll be good."

"Good," Cody responded, and then he hooked his left arm under Noah's right, and his right arm under Harold's left, and then said, "None shall pass. This is Sesquipedalian territory. No exceptions!"

"Fine," Heather responded, "I'll just go mooch off of Gwen."

Alejandro then turned to Heather and laughed.

"What are you laughing about, Alejandro?" Heather asked.

"You'll see," Alejandro responded.

(In the confessional, Heather said, "When Alejandro laughs, that usually means he's planning something bad. That's why I fear to hear it alone.")

DJ was still being a little shaky. Gwen was trying her hardest to calm him down, but failing. "DJ, I've told you time and time again, I won't get hurt! I'll be perfectly fine."

"Yes," Alejandro said, "After all, it's working perfectly fine for the Sesquipedalian Brains who stole your idea."

"You're trying to tell me that the _nerds _stole an idea from a bunch of _non-nerdy people?" _LeShawna asked, laughing, "Seriously, Noah's such an insufferable genius he rarely wants help from anyone, and Harold's a fountain! And Cody… I just can't see him going along with a plan to steal an idea from Gwen's team, if you know what I mean."

"LeShawna," Alejandro said, "You sure seemed quick on the fly to defend the Sesquipedalian Brains…"

"Of course," LeShawna responded, "Because unlike _you _I realize that they are interesting people deserving of respect!"

DJ and Gwen looked at each other.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "Okay, I'm really hoping this isn't what it looks like.")

(In the confessional, DJ said, "It's not what it looks like. It's. Not. What. It looks. Like!")

"Hey, Izzy," Owen asked, "Can't I just help a little?"

"It's almost done, Owen," Izzy responded, pointing to the tool, which was very, very large. In fact, it dwarfed Owen in both length and peak width. "Uh, Izzy? How are you supposed to use that thing?"

"Very carefully," she responded, attempting to hoist it over her head.

"Why don't you let me do it?" Owen offered, "After all, it looks heavier than you are."

"N-nonsense," Izzy said, wearing a warm smile and seemingly emotionally unaffected by the physical strain that was making her turn red and sweat. She lost control of it, and the tool fell into the abyss, and Izzy came tumbling after.

"Izzy!" Owen shouted worriedly. Izzy landed on top of the tool, butt first.

"Ow," Izzy said, not changing her facial expression, "That was painful. Now to look for the key."

"Izzy, I don't think you should remain down there…" Owen shouted down to her.

"What? What? I can't hear you Owen! You should get a megaphone… or I should get one of those cool ear horns! That might work!" She started walking away from Owen.

"Izzy? Izzy?" Owen shouted down into the abyss.

Chris walked by and then panicked. "Oh, no! Did an explorer die? I could get sued for that!"

"No, she's not dead, _thankfully," _Owen responded. "Is it safe to be wandering around the bottom of that chasm?"

"Worry not," Chris said, "There are no hazards down there. Mostly because no one was supposed to fall in… How are we going to get her out of there?"

"Umm… well, maybe if we sent down a rescue party," Owen said.

"But what team would be willing to…" Chris asked.

"We'll do it," Harold responded, "We're the team of heroes."

"I thought we were the team of smart guys," Cody responded.

"That too, but we'd be _happy _to be the search party," Harold answered.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "My fellow nerds and I have never gotten enough focus. I think this can be changed if we start being heroes! After all, that's what the whole comic book thing is; acts of heroism, by nerds.")

"Well, DJ," Gwen said, "You're going to have to send one of us down."

"No," DJ said, "I'm too distressed. Why can't LeShawna do it?"

"Oh, you're right," Gwen said, and then she looked around and asked, "Okay, where is she now?"

"She's over there… with Harold," DJ said, pointing in the general direction.

"Oh no," Gwen said, "She's… she's discussing strategy with him, isn't she? She's giving away secrets…"

"No," DJ said, "LeShawna would never do that… I think."

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "'I think'? That's what they all say when they _don't!_ I really don't want to have to be mad at LeShawna.")

Heather had sent Alejandro down to search for the key, but he had failed to spy it. "I don't see the key," he said, "But I see a strange green, pink, and orange blur…"

"A green, pink, and orange blur?" Heather asked, "Izzy! Oh, no, if the key's over here, she's going to find it first for sure!"

"What did you say, Heather?" Izzy asked, "I can barely hear you from down here. I really do need one of those cool ear horns. Did you say the key is over here?" She narrowed her eyes, and then she spied something. "Ooh! Shiny! Wait a second… the shiny is the key!" She picked up the key, and then shouted, loudly enough for everyone on the surface to hear. "I found the key!"

Chris and Owen looked at each other, and then, Chris said, "I guess that means that the Valiant Braves win!"

"Awesome!" Owen shouted. Then he shouted down to Izzy, "There's a group of lovable nerds here to rescue you!"

"Sweet!" Izzy shouted, "I call Noah!"

Cody and Harold looked at each other, and Cody, sighing, said, "Well, it was a request." They tied the cord around Noah and sent him down to grab Izzy. They pulled him back up holding her. When they regained the surface, he put her down.

"Okay, so because of that rescue, the Sesquipedalian Brains come in second place," Chris responded. Then he sighed with relief. "For a second, I thought she'd be stuck down there forever, and that girl is a ratings machine."

"So who faces elimination?" Alejandro asked, "It's not us, is it?"

"That depends," Chris said, "How close did you get to finding the key?"

"Well," Heather responded, "We certainly looked for it."

"That's more than I can say for the Delicate Beauties," Chris said, turning to the aforementioned team, "Which means that you guys are facing elimination."

"Sweet!" Harold shouted, "Advantage! I mean… sorry, LeShawna."

"It's alright, Harold," she responded, "You guys deserve it after what you did today."

"Yeah, I guess we do, don't we?" Cody asked, clearly basking in his swelled head.

"Yes!" Heather shouted, "No elimination! No elimination!"

"I know," Alejandro responded, "It would have been a shame to lose you."

"You mean, lose you?" Heather asked teasingly.

Gwen said to DJ, "We totally lost."

"I know," DJ responded, "I'm sorry that I was such a worry wart…"

"It's okay," Gwen said, "I won't vote you off."

"You… you're really sure LeShawna was giving secrets to the other team, aren't you?" DJ asked.

Gwen responded, "DJ, look at the facts. She was missing most of the time, and when she wasn't, she was talking about how great the Sesquipedalian Brains were… I don't want to believe it _either _but…"

DJ looked upset.

They met in the elimination room, and Chris decided to hand out the votes. "Okay, so today, you guys really didn't do much of anything, which might have had to do with LeShawna's continued absence… or maybe DJ's fear… so, of course, Gwen is safe." He tossed a bag of pyrite to Gwen. "And the other Beauty who is remaining in the game is… DJ!"

"What?" LeShawna asked, "Gwen, you voted for me?"

"I had to," Gwen said, "You were giving secrets to the other team!"

"No, I wasn't!" LeShawna responded, "All Harold and I were talking about was his team's selflessness and how other teams should follow that model…"

"…And… and we voted you off because we thought you were being unselfish and helping _them _out, so… I guess… we deserved to go more than you do. Can we redo the votes, Chris?" Gwen asked.

"No," Chris answered, "Sorry. Bye-bye, LeShawna."

"It's okay, Gwen, DJ, I forgive you!" LeShawna shouted, falling into the Trap of Shame.

"Well, isn't that sweet?" Chris asked, "But luckily, this isn't Total Sweetness, and anything can happen to change that. Now that the Circuits Pygmalion Brains have a distinct numbers advantage _and _status as heroes, will they turn into what they hate? Will Gwen and DJ become a couple?" Gwen and DJ gave Chris a weird look. "What? It _could_ happen. Find out, next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"

Author's Note: This is just a random notice that we're halfway there. Enjoy the rest of the ride.


	14. Hide Diddly Dee An Athlete's Life for Me

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to find the key at the bottom of a large, scary abyss. Man, that's _deep, _am I right? Anyway, some people were a little hesitant to search for the key, others were a little _too _eager. In the end, Izzy took a victory for the Braves, while the Beauties bid a heartfelt goodbye to LeShawna. Now there's only nine people remaining… or _are _there? Find out on today's Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

"You do it, Izzy," Owen said.

"No, you do it," Izzy responded.

"No, you," Owen said.

"No," Izzy said firmly, "You do it!"

"Let's flip a coin!" Owen shouted, and then put his hands in his pockets, pulling the inner lining into visibility, and then said, "Oh, wait, I don't have any coins."

"That's okay," Izzy said, "Let's flip the key! If it lands cool loopy thing first, I'll do it, and if it lands jagged thing first, you'll do it."

"Sounds fair," Owen responded. Izzy flipped the key, and the functional portion landed on the ground first. "Okay, I guess I'll do it!"

Owen opened the door, and then he and Izzy walked in, followed by the Sesquipedalian Brains, the Harsh Brawns, and finally the Delicate Beauties.

"We're going to do so much better now that we have a numbers advantage!" Harold shouted.

"Must you _always _tempt fate, Harold?" Noah asked.

"What do you mean? Studies show that the teams that win continue to win, therefore…" Harold responded, before being interrupted by Noah.

"I'm just saying, don't get your hopes up," Noah responded.

"Why are you always so negative?" Harold asked.

"Uhh… because I'm always right? And even if I was wrong, it would be an _improvement," _Noah responded, "It's very logical."

(In the confessional, Harold said, "_It's very logical!_ Please. The only reason he says that is because it's what _he _does. But if he was optimistic, I can guarantee he'd say the same thing about _that.")_

"So, Gwen," Heather said, "How does it feel to be losing?"

"We're not losing, Heather," Gwen responded, "We're tied with you guys and the Braves."

"But doesn't it just make your _blood boil _that a bunch of _dorks _are beating you?" Heather asked.

"No," Gwen responded. "Because unlike you, I have enough integrity to let someone better than me win."

"Are you saying those dorks are better than me?" Heather asked. "Alejandro! Gwen called me a loser!"

"Gwen! Tsktsktsk," Alejandro said, "Don't insult Heather. It's mean."

"In my defense, she was taunting us for no reason," Gwen responded.

DJ tried to get Heather and Gwen to stop fighting by saying, "Can't we all just get along?"

"Maybe I'd be able to if _someone _would try harder," Gwen said.

"Hey," Heather said, "I'm not the one who called you a loser."

"Maybe not today," Gwen said.

"You know what your problem is? You never forgive anything!" Heather said.

"Well, you know," Gwen said, "I'm so mad we're on different teams this year, because if we weren't, I would _so _vote you off! And DJ would help, right DJ?"

"Uhh," DJ said, pressing his fingers together.

(In the confessional, DJ said, "Of course I would, especially if she and Gwen were the only choices, but I can't say that _to her face! _That's _so _mean!")

Chris was seen talking to Chef Hatchet. He asked, "Do you know if they're here yet?"

"Oh, they most certainly are," Chef Hatchet responded. "Hidden away and everything."

"Oh, hey," Chris said, facing the nine contestants, "Welcome to today's challenge, explorers! Hide and seek."

"Wow, this totally isn't a rehash of a challenge in season one," Noah said.

"Shut up. You weren't even _playing _during that challenge," Chris said. "Besides, this time it's different! You guys are all doing the seeking."

"For whom?" Gwen asked, "You and Chef?"

"No," Chris responded.

"Then who are we looking for?" Harold asked, "The suspense is killing me."

"Well, then I guess you're just going to have to keep dying for a while," Chris said, "Because you won't know until you find them."

"That's okay!" Harold shouted, "We'll be able to find them no problem, right guys?"

"Right!" Cody responded.

"Right, Noah?" Harold asked.

"Seriously?" Noah asked, "You haven't figured it out yet? Chris, just save them their misery and admit it already."

"Noah, I seriously wish you would stop looking at our game itineraries," Chris said.

"Who looked at them?" Noah asked.

"Fine," Chris said, "Don't admit it. But what this little _spoilsport _is trying to get me to say is that, as of today, the teams are officially dissolved."

Harold's face was noticeably distraught. "I told you so," Noah said in response to the face.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "_I _know that Noah didn't look at the game's itineraries in advance, but I guess I can't blame Chris for suspecting it…")

"Now," Chris said, "This room contains many chambers. The chambers are surrounded by booby traps. And two of these chambers will contain people that will re-enter the game."

"Heather," Alejandro said, "I know that the teams are dissolved, but that doesn't mean we can't still work together."

"I'll keep that in mind," Heather said, eyeing him suspiciously, "But don't try to stab me in the back just because you think that you can."

"I wouldn't dream of it," Alejandro said, smiling dubiously.

(In the confessional, Heather said, "He's totally going to. Not that it matters, because I'm going to work alone.")

"So, I was wondering," Noah said, "Do you guys really think this is the worst thing ever? I mean, if all goes according to plan…"

"Then, no more Alejandro, right?" Harold said, "Alright, we'll vote him off today!"

"But what if it's not an elimination?" Cody asked.

"Then next time," Harold said, "It'll be pretty simple."

"So, uhh, Cody," Noah said, "Now that the teams are merged, you probably want to go work with Gwen…"

"You… you're letting me go work with Gwen?" Cody asked. "Oh, thank you!" He jumped for joy and attempted to hug Noah, who looked visibly awkward at the touch, causing Harold to snicker quietly.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a bicycle to turn into a tricycle," Noah said.

"Umm…" Cody said, and then one second later, "Ohh!"

Cody went over to where Gwen was and then asked, "Hey, can we look together?"Gwen gave him an ugly look. "What?"

"You really don't have any shame, do you?" Gwen asked.

"I don't see what's so wrong about wanting to just _look for people _with you," Cody said, offended.

"I guess you're right," Gwen said, "But don't you try anything."

"I wouldn't dream of it," Cody said.

(In the confessional, Cody made a raspberry while doing a strong thumbs-down, made a sad trombone noise, and then shouted, "Rejected!" One second later, he added at a more reasonable volume, "Again!")

Harold found his old buddy DJ and asked him, "Hey, you want to look with me?"

"Sure!" DJ said, skipping around, pulling Harold along with him. "But we have to be careful or else we'll hit…" A sharp spike protruded from the ground right between DJ's legs. He squeaked, "…Booby traps."

"It's okay, DJ," Harold said, "Just back up from it with as discreet footsteps as possible."

"Thanks, Harold," DJ said, after the aforementioned strategy worked, "I owe you one."

"Don't mention it," Harold said, "Now to look for people."

(In the confessional, DJ said, "In my opinion, merge time is the greatest time, because that's when you can see who your true friends really are.")

Izzy and Owen were patiently waiting when Noah appeared and asked, "Hey, guys! Did you miss me?"

"Heck yeah!" Owen said, giving him a giant hug. "We missed you so much!"

"Now, let's go look," Izzy said, "Hmm… this chamber looks suspicious."

"I don't know about that," Noah said, "But there's a booby trap that you're about to fall into."

"Oh, no!" Owen shouted, "Izzy!" He saved her from falling into the pit. "See, this is what I love about you, Noah."

"Uhh, love?" Noah asked.

"I meant _like, _obviously," Owen said, _very _unconvincingly. "Psh, _love."_

(In the confessional, Owen said, "_Why did I say that?"_)

"Here we are," Alejandro said, leading Heather into a room.

"This room is empty, Alejandro," Heather said, "Or were you planning to lock me in here so that I couldn't win?"

"Oh, Heather," Alejandro said, "Your words wound me."

"I don't believe you," Heather said, "You're just being a backstabbing liar again."

"Seasons change, Heather, but people don't," Alejandro said, "Which is why Noah needs to go."

"What?" Heather asked, "You're trying to get me to join an alliance?"

"Noah already has a huge one," Alejandro said, "And he's going to use it to vote me off. So, what we need to do is get rid of Noah. After all, if you cut off the head, the body will die."

"Get rid of Noah…" Heather said, "Well, he _has _been a snot… it might do some good…"

(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "If Heather convinces enough people to vote off Noah, then I'm home free.")

(In the confessional, Heather said, "Two votes will not make or break the game, unless everyone else wanted to vote for Noah… I can't _prove _they don't. What Alejandro doesn't know won't hurt me. And if he wastes his vote on Noah, then there will be a greater chance he'll go instead of me.")

"Gwen," Cody said, "I think I heard a noise from this direction."

"Hmm…" Gwen said, "I hear it too. It sounds like… you? Except with a lower voice?"

"Well," Cody said, "Maybe it's Ezekiel." He listened again, "No. Not Ezekiel. But…" Cody said, and then he opened the chamber and said, "Aha! We've found you, Tyler!"

"What?" Tyler asked, clearly confused, "Oh, hi, are you guys a couple now?"

"No!" Gwen said firmly, blushing.

"Dang," Tyler said.

"Tell me about it," Cody said.

"Well, I could, but what's the point? You already know," Tyler responded.

"Umm, yeah," Gwen said, "I'm going to head out now." She gestured away, trying with little effort to get Cody to pay attention to her, and then leaving when he didn't respond.

"So, where's Lindsay?" Tyler asked, "I want to see her again!"

"Lindsay… got voted off two challenges ago…" Cody said, "Sorry."

"Oh," Tyler said, very sad looking. "Just my luck. But of course, you already know all about _that _too, don't you?"

"Hey," Cody said, looking around, "Where did Gwen go?"

"Couldn't tell you," Tyler said, shrugging.

"Oh, no," Cody said, "I hope nothing terrible happened to her."

"Nothing terrible happened to her," Tyler assured Cody. "We mustn't panic."

(In the confessional, Cody said, "We mustn't panic. We mustn't panic." Then he screamed, "GWEN!"

Gwen walked into the confessional and asked "What?"

"Gwen!" Cody said, smiling. Then he started leering at her. She left. Cody slapped himself.)

"Hey," Izzy said, "I smell female sweat!"

"Are you sure it's not your own?" Noah asked suspiciously.

"Of course," Izzy said, "Mine's not that smelly today. Is it _yours, _Noah?"

"Ha-ha," Noah said, "Very funny. Now seriously, if the smell isn't yours then maybe it's coming from the room."

"Okay," Owen said, peeking into the room. He turned to Izzy and Noah, and told them, "Guys! Eva's in there!"

"Eva?" Izzy and Noah both asked excitedly.

"Well, here's hoping nothing happens to _her_ this time," Izzy said, "After all, she was _ripped off _the first time."

Noah opened the door and then said, "Why hello."

"Noah?" Eva asked, and then she ran up to him and hugged him tightly.

"Ow," Noah said, "Loosen grip. Loosen grip."

"Oh, sorry," Eva said, "I'm just so glad to see you're okay! And that you're still in the game! Is Izzy here?"

"Of course," Noah said, pointing to her smiling and waving.

"The posse is back in business," Eva said. "Alejandro won't know what hit him."

"Indeed he won't," Noah said, "Cody and Harold are in on it too."

"Okay, that's five…" Eva said, "How many do we have now?"

"Counting you and the other person hiding? Eleven," Noah responded.

Eva then said, "If we want to guarantee he'll be gone, we'll need six."

"Very true," Noah said. "But I've only allied myself with those who I know would be happy to help my cause. If we started looking for more, that might change for the worse."

"I guess so," Izzy said, "But why can't you ask Owen?"

"I could," Noah said. "Hey, Owen?"

"Yeah?" Owen responded.

"Would you be willing to help us vote off Alejandro?" Noah asked.

"Umm…" Owen said, "I don't know if I should…"

"That's okay," Noah said, "It's only for the very unlikely chance that everyone who isn't in my alliance votes for the same person, including Alejandro and Heather."

"Well," Owen said, "You're being very reasonable. Thank you."

"Hey," Noah said, "I won't complain…"

"So is he in the alliance?" Eva asked.

"He seemed uncomfortable about it," was Noah's reply. "And that's fine with me. A watertight guarantee is not necessary."

"Okay," Izzy said, "But don't you worry! One way or another, Alejandro's going to go bye-bye."

"Even if you get voted off," Eva said, looking very sad.

"I won't," Noah said.

(In the confessional, Eva said, "He said that with such… finality! And he's never this positive unless he's completely sure about something. He won't get voted off. Maybe we can be the final two!")

Izzy, Noah, Owen, and Eva all headed out into the main hall where they met up with Tyler and the three pairs that went off elsewhere.

When Harold saw Tyler he greeted him.

"Yeah," Tyler said, offering Harold a high-five, "We're merge bros!"

"That never happens!" Harold responded.

"What is _she _doing back here?" Heather asked angrily.

"Getting her chance back from your psychopathic boyfriend," Noah responded.

"I am not psychopathic!" Alejandro shouted. "I just hate you."

"The feeling is more than mutual," Noah responded.

"Well," DJ said, "This is certainly positive."

"It's okay, DJ," Gwen said, "We can beat out those chaos causers."

"That's right," Cody said, "If you guys help out on Noah's alliance to get rid of Alejandro, that would be really…"

"Well, see," Gwen said, "I was kinda gonna vote for Heather."

"Well," Cody said, "I guess that's your choice. After all, no one should be able to make your choices except you." DJ clasped his hands together and smiled.

(In the confessional, DJ said, "How can she not see it? He's such a great guy…")

Chris walked into the center of the eleven people, and said, "So, you guys found the returning contestants, hmm… well, who found them?"

"Noah, Izzy, and Owen found me," Eva declared.

"It was Gwen and Cody for me," Tyler said.

"So… five people found you guys, huh? Impressive! What do you four have to say for yourselves?" Chris said.

DJ looked sheepish. Harold was stomping his foot. Heather and Alejandro were glaring at each other. "I'm kidding," Chris responded, "This challenge was a fake! It didn't matter who won!"

"Of course it was," Gwen said, slightly annoyed.

"Because the winners of this challenge are automatically the two returning contestants, who will be able to choose amongst themselves who will use the key next time." Chris said. "They each get a coupon to spend time in the Special Fun Room—which I assure you is _not _named ironically, _Noah."_

"I said nothing," Noah mentioned, although it was clear from his expression he was _about _to say it.

Chris continued, "…And an extra one for the other explorer of their choice."

"Hmm," Tyler said, contemplating long and hard, "Well, I would take Lindsay, but uhh… she's not here, so I guess… Harold."

"Awesome!" Harold shouted, "Let's go have some fun!"

"Yeah!" Tyler responded and then the two of them headed to the Special Fun Room.

"So, Eva," Chris said, "Who are you taking with you?"

"How about Noah," Eva said, smiling.

"Oh, you don't have to take me," Noah responded, "You can take Izzy instead."

"Yeah, I'll take Izzy instead. I need a headache right now," Eva said.

"Point taken," Noah said, "But I just hope that being in the same room with Tyler and Harold won't do that to us anyway."

Noah and Eva followed Harold and Tyler. Cody looked at them walking in, and looked very sad.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "You know what the saddest thing about the merge is? My teammates can enjoy victory, while I'm stuck with stupid defeat. Of course Eva picked Noah. She likes him. I mean, I like him too, but… oh crap, what did I just imply? False equivocation! False equivocation!"

Chris walked into the confessional and then said, "Will Eva and Cody get into a catfight over the same guy?"

"No," Cody said, "It's not like that, I _swear."_

Chris continued, "Will Alejandro get his just desserts? Will DJ snap and kill everybody?"

"Doubtful," Cody responded.

"Will you shut up?" Chris asked.

"This is my confessional, and you interrupted it. Deal with it," Cody responded.

Chris stared blankly, and then said "Find out, next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!")


	15. Metal Gear Stupid

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers' teams were permanently dissolved, and it was every man for himself. Two previously booted contestants were hiding out, but it was the alleged final nine's job to find them. Eva and Tyler rejoined the competition, and took the win for the challenge by default. Now, our final eleven are going to face a super intense new challenge, this time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

"You open the door, Tyler," Eva offered.

"No," Tyler said, "That's okay. You can do it."

"It's alright, Tyler," Eva said, "I insist."

"But Eva, wouldn't it be better if I let you go first? After all, ladies first," Tyler said.

Eva glared at him and then shouted, "What?"

"On second thought," Tyler said hesitatingly, "I'd be happy to open the door."

"Yeah, that's right," Eva said, smirking, "I'm not going to accept your pity."

(In the confessional, Tyler said, "When I was growing up, I always heard that the ladies loved a chivalrous man... I guess they excluded people like Eva.")

Tyler tried to open the door, but noticed that it was jammed.

"I wouldn't go in there just yet," Chris said, appearing behind the eleven contestants.

"Why not?" Alejandro asked.

"Well," Chris said, "For one thing, there's an amoral bounty hunter in there."

"An amoral bounty hunter?" Noah asked, "Is it Chef?"

"Noah!" Chris shouted, "Stop spoiling the challenges!"

Cody and Harold both laughed. Owen said, "Nice one."

Alejandro looked at the backing Noah had, and then became very nervous.

(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "Why is Noah so popular? He's clearly not the kind of person that _should _be that popular… I just hope that we have enough votes to stop his _anti-me alliance."_)

"You guys must reach the key on the other side of the room without being caught by Chef," Chris explained, "Anyone who is caught by Chef faces elimination. Is that clear?"

"Yes," DJ said, very nervously.

"No problem," Harold said. "This will be an excellent chance to show off my skills."

(In the confessional, Harold said, "Stealth games are the greatest! Plus, I would be happy even if I lost if someone would shout out, Harold, HAROLD, HAAAAAROOOOLD! This is gonna be _awesome_!")

Chris said, "If you are ready, you may now enter the room."

"Well that's great and all, but I think the door is jammed," Tyler said. Chris stared blankly, and then turned the key the opposite direction then the way that Tyler was turning it, and the door opened. "Oh…" Tyler said sheepishly.

Tyler and Eva walked into the room, followed by the other nine in no specific order. Gwen hugged the wall, and walked around the side of the room, hoping to hide in the shadows. DJ was nervously walking around, looking all directions around his head. He spied Gwen in the shadows, mistook her for a ghost and shrieked. Gwen said quietly, "Hush, DJ. Or else we'll get caught."

"Oh, it's just you, Gwen," DJ said, "I… I knew that." Gwen's eyes widened. "What?"

Chef Hatchet came from right behind DJ and caught him. "Gotcha!" he shouted.

"Oh, no," DJ shouted, "I've been caught."

Gwen leapt out of sight as quickly as possible.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "It was probably unfair for me to let DJ get captured and then escape, but all's fair in love and Chris's games.")

Owen was hiding behind a wall. He said, "Chef'll never find me here." Then he snickered quietly.

"Hey, Owen," Izzy said, although her exact location was unknown to both the viewer and Owen at this point.

"Izzy?" Owen asked. He looked up to see Izzy attached to the ceiling with suction cups. "What are you doing up there?"

"What do you think? I'm hiding!" Izzy shouted. "No one can find me up here, but your hiding place is _stupid."_

"Hey," Owen said, "I think that my hiding place is going to work."

"It's not," Izzy said. Then she whispered, "I mean, it's not."

"Why are you whispering, Izzy?" Owen asked. Completely oblivious to his surroundings, Owen was captured by Chef Hatchet.

"Oops," Izzy said, "Gotta go." She climbed down the wall, and wandered to a new location.

Eva was avoiding eye contact with anyone she passed, hoping that no one would notice her. Chef Hatchet walked right by her, and when she was certain he was out of earshot, she gave a sigh of relief.

(In the confessional, Eva said, "I have to admit something. I've never been good at stealth. Being the only muscle-bound woman around makes you pretty conspicuous, you know?")

Tyler and Cody were both sneaking around, unwitting that they were heading directly for a crash. Tyler moving in from the left, and Cody from the right, they bumped into each other, which caused both of them to fall down and hurt themselves.

"Oh, I'm sorry Cody," Tyler said.

"Nonsense," Cody said, "It was my fault."

"No," Tyler said, "It's always my fault, never yours. I'm the klutz, you're the jinx."

"That sentence would sound so much cooler with the words, 'schlemiel' and 'schlimazel'," Cody said.

"True," Tyler said, "Very true."

"Well isn't this nice? A discussion of linguistics?" Chef Hatchet asked.

"Uh-oh," Tyler said. Chef Hatchet grabbed Tyler in one hand and Cody in the other.

"Well, you have to at least admit _this _was my fault right?" Cody asked.

"We'll talk about it later, Cody," Tyler said.

(In the confessional, Cody asked, "Seriously, could it be construed in _any other way _than as my fault?")

"Pst," Alejandro said, "Heather…"

"What?" Heather asked, "I'm trying to hide from Chef."

"I know," Alejandro said, "But we have to make sure Noah gets captured."

"Noah?" Heather asked, "What about Gwen?"

"What about her?" Alejandro asked, "She's not that much of a threat… Noah's going to vote me off for sure unless we do something about it."

"Well, what are you planning to do?" Heather asked.

Alejandro jumped out in plain sight and then pointed in the general direction of Noah, shouting, "Noah's over here!"

"Darn it!" Noah whispered to himself, "Now I have to run…"

"Thanks for the tip," Chef Hatchet said, capturing Alejandro.

"Wait," Alejandro said, "I helped you, so why are you capturing me?"

"Because," Chef Hatchet responded, "I don't remember making a deal with you."

Heather laughed quietly, hoping that Chef Hatchet wouldn't see her. Unfortunately, he did. "And you're coming with me too, giggly."

Heather crossed her arms and glared at Alejandro. She said, "Good job at making sure Noah got captured."

"It was just a slight miscalculation on my part," Alejandro said, shrugging.

(In the confessional, Heather shouted, "A _slight _miscalculation? That is _not _a slight miscalculation! Honestly, Alejandro thinks he's so smart, but he's an idiot!")

Noah, Harold, Gwen, Eva, and Izzy were still safe at this point. Harold spied Chef Hatchet, and decided to backtrack until he was certain that he was gone. Noah was running hard, but was starting to breathe heavily. He was certain that he would be overheard, but somehow managed not to be, until eventually he ran into Harold. "Noah," Harold said, "Why are you running?"

"Why… do you… think… I'm running? That… jerk Alejandro… gave away… my location," Noah said, as well as he could.

"You sound like you're about to fall over," Harold said.

"Maybe… I am… I suggest… you leave… the vicinity… if you don't… want to get caught," Noah said, and then, just as predicted, he collapsed. Harold heeded his advice and fled.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "This was the second time Noah fell unconscious this season because of Alejandro. The. Second. Time. Monsters like him shouldn't even be allowed to compete. I'm starting to regret putting a condition on the promise to get rid of him…")

"Alright," Chef Hatchet said, "An easy capture!" He picked up Noah and flung him over his shoulder as if he were an empty sack.

When he returned to his previous captures, carrying Noah as such, Owen glared at him and said, "I will never forgive you for this."

"Relax," Chef Hatchet said, "He's just unconscious… I think… at any rate, he was like this when I found him…"

Cody looked concerned for his friend, while Alejandro was grinning wildly. Cody gave a look to Alejandro.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "Noah's right, Alejandro _is _a psychopath… or a sociopath… no, he's far too aware for that.")

Izzy was crawling on the ceiling, above Eva's head. Eva was completely oblivious to Izzy's presence. "Hi, Eva," Izzy whispered.

Eva screamed, and then looked up and shouted, "Izzy! You scared the crap out of me!"

"I know," Izzy said, "Sorry. But hey, we're still both in the game."

"For now," Eva said, glaring at Izzy, "But now, what's going to stop Chef Hatchet from finding us?"

"You mean from finding you," Izzy said, and then she climbed a few feet away, "As you can see, this is a very good hiding place."

(In the confessional, Eva said, "Yeah, I know she had a point, but still… it seemed rather condescending. Which of course means, she was looking down on me… oh, god, that was corny.")

Izzy continued to crawl on the ceiling, while Gwen, Harold, and Eva were still attempting to hide in the walls. Eva saw the key in front of her and then asked herself, "Did I seriously get all the way here without getting captured?"

"Why don't you ask me?" Chef Hatchet answered her.

"Ack!" she shouted, "How long have you been standing there?"

"About five minutes," Chef Hatchet answered, "I just wanted to mess with you."

"Well," Eva said, looking sheepish and pausing deliberately, and then she continued "You'll never take me alive!" She kicked him in the shin and started running toward the key.

"You get back here," Chef Hatchet said, hopping along, trying to catch up with Eva. By complete accident, he bumped into Gwen. "Aha!" he shouted, "I found you!"

"What happened to your legs?" Gwen asked, "Did Owen accuse you of killing Noah again?"

"Well, yes… but that's not the point," Chef Hatchet responded. "But now, you're mine!"

"Oh, crap," Gwen said, "I guess it's just karma for what I did to DJ…"

"Yeah," Chef Hatchet, "You suck."

"I know," Gwen said sadly.

Izzy, Eva, and Harold were all near the key. "Yes," Eva said, "I see it! I see it!"

"I saw it first, ladies," Harold said.

"I don't know about that," Izzy responded from the ceiling, "It certainly looks different from this angle though."

"Shh," Harold said, "I heard footsteps."

"Don't worry," Izzy responded, "I am a chameleon."

"I'm not…" Eva said.

"Well, isn't that sweet?" Chef Hatchet asked, "I found the one who said I'd never take her alive. And now…" He grabbed her right arm.

"Oh my god," Eva said, _very _sarcastically, "Not my _right arm! _Now I am completely helpless to do _anything…"_

"It don't matter what I grabbed," Chef Hatchet yelled, "A capture is a capture."

"Why is it always the right arm? The feet are often associated with much more painful attacks… like this one!" Eva kicked Chef Hatchet in the groin.

Harold was about to pipe up with a comment about the same unrealistic trope, but realized that by doing so, he would have allowed himself to be caught.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "I think that Eva was doing that on purpose… deliberately trying to get me caught by causing me to complain about that. I wouldn't hold it against her though; one of her best friends was the other contender for victory.")

Chef Hatchet was clearly in pain and distracted, and did not see Harold walk around the walls. He grabbed the key, and then shouted, "Ch-yes!"

"What?" Chef Hatchet asked, "How long has _he _been here?"

"Dang," Izzy said, as she peeled herself off the ceiling, and landed on her butt.

Chef Hatchet said, "Well, I bow to you, Harold." Then he bowed. "After all, you managed to avoid being seen the whole way."

He went over to find Chris and told him what happened. Chris announced, "I am happy to say that the winner of this challenge is _Harold!_ And, because Izzy technically wasn't captured, she has immunity too."

"Awesome!" Izzy shouted, "I'll use it well."

"Everyone, cast your votes," Chris said, "I'll see you in a few."

Gwen told DJ, "We should vote for Heather."

"Yeah," DJ said, "Okay, I'll vote off Heather."

"Who else wants to vote off Heather?" Gwen asked.

"I will," Tyler said, "She always stays too long."

"Nothing wrong with staying for a long time," Owen said sheepishly, "But I guess I'd rather see her go than anyone else."

"Really?" DJ asked, "Even Alejandro?"

"I mean, Alejandro is… well, there's just this special something about Alejandro," Owen said, clasping his hands together.

"It wouldn't happen to be the same 'special something' as Justin, would it?" Gwen asked.

"Umm…" Owen said, "I don't know _what _you are talking about. I like girls… right, Izzy?"

Izzy said, "Yeah, you like girls too."

"Too?" Tyler asked.

"Izzy!" Owen shouted.

"What?" Izzy asked, staring blankly.

"Nothing," Owen said, although he was clearly embarrassed.

(In the confessional, Tyler said, "You know, I've dealt with this before… it may surprise you, but my excellent macho athleticism didn't come to me completely naturally…")

"We need to vote off Noah," Alejandro reminded Heather.

"Good choice," Heather said, clearly lying, "It's very likely that everyone else is going to vote for him too, and then he'll be gone."

Alejandro, missing the cues, said, "Excellent," while making an evil face.

The whole group went to the elimination chamber, after the votes were cast. Chris said, "Okay, so Harold and Izzy have immunity, so they get these bags of pyrite by default. The rest of them go to DJ, Cody, Eva, Tyler, Owen, Gwen, Noah…" When Noah's name was read, Alejandro glared at Heather, causing her to shrug.

"Maybe it was just a _slight miscalculation," _Heather said.

"And the final bag of pyrite goes to… Heather!" Chris said, "Sorry, Alejandro, but you're getting the boot."

"No," Alejandro said, "That's… that's impossible! I can't get the boot yet! I mean, how many people voted for me?"

Chris counted them. "Five," he said, "And just think… it could have been a tie if you just voted for Heather."

"Vote for Heather?" Alejandro asked, "I could never do that to my sweet, even if she _did _betray me and say that everyone was going to vote for Noah, when they weren't!"

"Here's a hint, Alejandro," Noah said, "My misstep was forgiven a long time ago, however, hers are forever being begrudged. I don't think it's necessarily _fair, _but it's _true."_

"Shut up," Alejandro shouted, "You think that you can win just because you 'have a posse'? I have a posse that could kick _your _posse's butt!"

"My posse contains a lunatic, an abnormally strong woman, an adrenaline-charged heavyweight…" Noah listed.

Alejandro said, "Well, uhh… so does mine…"

"It does, hmm?" Eva shouted, "Well let's see how your posse deals with _this_!" She pushed him down onto where the Trap of Shame was intended to open, and it opened just as he fell.

"Now that Alejandro's gone, will Heather have to step up to the task of being a villain? Or will there be a new villain? A surprise like Gwen? Owen? DJ? The fans would love that."

"No they wouldn't," Harold shouted, "They hate stuff like that. You don't know our fanbase at all."

Chris pushed Harold over.

"Will there be no designated villain, causing the final ten to move around in pandemonium and chaos?"

"Well, technically, we kind of were already," Harold said, "Alejandro was being more of a genuine jerk than a designated villain…"

"_Shut up, Harold," _Chris said. "Find out, next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	16. Let's Get The Barter Started

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to reach the key without being caught by a dangerous bounty hunter. It was pretty tough, but they pulled through. Harold and Izzy avoided being seen the entire time. Some of our other explorers weren't so lucky. In the end, it was Alejandro who had to kiss the million goodbye. With only ten contestants remaining, things are getting pretty intense, right here, on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

Harold was dancing around saying, "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! I won! Ahuh!" He did the splits, which made it slightly harder to get up, but he soon did. He picked up the key from the ground and then he opened the door. He walked into the room, followed by Izzy, Eva, Gwen, Noah, Heather, Tyler and Cody, Owen, and finally DJ.

"Good day, explorers," Chris said, "My, my. Take a look around and see if you see anything strange."

The explorers looked around the room confusedly. Owen guessed, "This room is dark purple instead of dark green?"

"No, silly," Gwen responded, "It's dark blue, and so are the rest of them."

"Well," Izzy said, "I do agree with Owen. It's usually kind of a tealy color and this one is more indigoy."

" 'Indigoy?'" Noah asked, "That adjective doesn't sound terrible."

"I know," Izzy said, "Thanks, I'm going to have it patented soon."

An annoyed Chris asked, "Would you guys _shut up _about the _color of the walls?"_

"Oh, sorry," Cody said, "Then I guess it must be because the window is ten centimeters to the right of where it was in the previous room."

"What?" Chris asked, "Who even _cares?"_

"Well, I care," Harold said, "It seems disconcerting."

"Guys, come on," Chris said, "You're missing something really obvious."

"I have an idea," Heather said, "How about all those ugly spiders painted on the wall."

"Those are _tarantulas, _and they are _awesome," _Harold shouted.

"_No more whining about the décor!" _Chris yelled.

"Sorry," DJ said, and only DJ, which prompted Chris to give him a weird look, as he had not been joining in.

"You're forgiven, DJ," Chris said in monotone. "Now seriously, will someone please notice what I _want _them to notice?"

"I'm not going to say it," Noah said, "You hate it when I spoil the fun."

"Come on, Noah," Chris said, "I _know _you're just doing this to tick me off."

"Why, how did you know, Chris?" Noah asked.

"Just say it already, Mr. Know-It-All!" Chris shouted, very impatiently.

"Fine," Noah said, "There are precisely ten keys at Chris's feet, which you guys would have noticed if you took a second to look down instead of continually looking above your heads."

"Wow, Noah!" Owen shouted, "You're so smart!"

"Don't flatter me too much, Owen," Noah responded, "My head's swelled enough. If you add more I may implode."

"Ack! I don't want that!" Owen said, "Sorry…"

"So, does that mean these are the last ten keys?" Heather asked excitedly.

"Of course," Gwen responded, "We are getting all of the keys just handed to us, all at once."

"Hey, a girl can dream can't she?" Heather asked, "Buzz-kill."

"So," Chris said, "Gwen. You're onto my evil plan then? Well, only one of these keys functions. The others are all fake. So what you guys have to do is try to make sure that you get the real key. Now, when I call start, you will come up and grab a key. You will have to bargain with your fellow explorers to get the real one. And, ready… go!"

Izzy, Eva, Heather, and Gwen sprinted to the location. Harold, Tyler, and Cody ran but did not sprint. Owen and Noah walked nonchalantly up to it, and DJ waited until everyone else had grabbed a key and took the last one.

Eva looked at her key and she said, "I know this one's a fake."

"Okay," Izzy said, "I'll trade you for mine. I'm sure it's a fake too."

"How would that solve anything?" Eva asked, confusedly.

"I dunno," Izzy responded, "The fun of the trade."

(In the confessional, Eva said, "The fun of the trade? Izzy doesn't understand that in life there isn't just fun and games; everything has a purpose.")

"Hey, Gwen," Heather asked nicely, "Would you like to trade with me?"

"No thanks," Gwen responded, "I'm good."

"Of course you think that," Heather said, "Someone as fashion impaired as you obviously can't tell the difference between the real key and a cheap imitation."

"Are you sure that it's not you who has the fake? After all, you are just a clone of every other 'cool' person ever, but me? I am unique and individual," Gwen said.

"Says the _Goth," _Heather responded, "You have a name for your group, so clearly, you're not as individual as you think you are."

"Oh, yeah?" Gwen said, "Well, I'm certainly more individual than you are."

"Oh, yeah?" Heather asked. Heather and Gwen got into a sissy slap fight.

"Uh-oh," Cody said, and then he got between the two girls, pushing them each to the side, "Break it up. Break it up."

"Thanks, Cody," Gwen said, glaring at Heather, "I needed that."

"Say, Gwen," Cody began, "Since I just got Heather to leave you alone will you…?"

"No, I will not go out with you," Gwen responded.

"I…I was just going to ask you to trade keys with me…" Cody said, clearly hurt.

"Oh," Gwen responded, embarrassed, "No, I'd rather not trade with you. Nothing personal, I just think my key has a good chance of being real."

"Oh, don't worry," Cody said, "I understand, Gwen." He saluted her and left, looking for someone else to trade his key with.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "Okay, so it's okay for a girl to turn down someone she doesn't like, but if she does so without him even _asking _first, what does _that _mean? I feel like such a…")

"Hey, Noah," Owen said, "Will you trade keys with me?"

"No thanks," Noah responded.

"Why not?" Owen asked, "Do you think your key is real?"

Noah whispered in Owen's ear, "Between you and me, not likely. But, you see, if I continually turn down offers, eventually, the person with the real key will get confused and think _I _have the real key, at which point, I will offer a trade…"

"That's great but how do you find out who has the real key?" Owen asked.

"I will look for the person who is doing the same thing I am," Noah responded. "Yep, there's no doubt about it. The real key is with… Gwen."

"Unless of course she's _really _doing the same thing you're doing and the person who _really _has the real key is just stupid," Owen responded.

"Owen, for you to be referring to people in such a manner; so misanthropic, so negative, so uncharacteristically critical…" Noah said, looking shocked, and then changing back to his disposition, "You've learned well, my friend."

"Thanks," Owen said, "I learn from the best!"

(In the confessional, Owen said, "Okay, so that was really hard and mean to say, but I just can't let Noah get away with overlooking stuff like that. Methinks perhaps his continued playtime has gotten to him, and now he's getting optimistic. Not that there's anything wrong with that… if you're not Noah.")

"Hey, DJ?" Harold asked, "Will you trade keys with me?"

"Sure!" DJ responded, smiling warmly and trading keys with Harold. "Enjoy your key!"

"Umm, DJ," Harold said, "If you think that your key is an improvement to mine, why did you trade with me?"

"Because you asked me to," DJ said sweetly.

"Hmm," Harold said, "You don't have to say yes to everyone, DJ."

"Oh, yes I do," DJ responded, "Because asking nicely guarantees you get what you want. Unless of course the person cannot or will not give it out period."

"Okay," Harold said, "Attention everyone! If you have the real key, do _not _ask DJ to trade with you! I repeat, do _not _ask DJ to trade with you!"

"Why would anyone who knew they had the real key ask to trade with anyone?" Tyler asked.

"I don't know," Harold said, "To trip up the other person into thinking they have the real key?"

"Oh!" Tyler said, "Hey Harold, will you trade with me?"

"Sure, why not?" Harold asked. They traded keys. "Hey, this isn't the real key."

"Of course not," Tyler responded, staring blankly. "Why would it be? I asked to trade it with you."

(In the confessional, Harold shouted, "Oh crap, I've just been tricked by a _dumb jock._ Uh, not that that makes Tyler a bad person or anything, and… please, for the love of the word 'gosh', do _not _tell Tyler I called him that.")

"Hey, Owen?" Eva asked, "Do you think you have a good chance of having the key?"

"Not really," Owen responded, "Want to trade anyway?"

"Eh," Eva responded, "I don't need it. Do you know who has a good chance of having the key?"

"Well, uhh… oh, yeah! Noah!" Owen said, and then he burst into giggles, which he quickly stifled.

"Noah…" Eva said, and then she walked up to him and asked, "Will you trade with me?"

"No," Noah said, "I'd rather keep this one."

"Oh, yeah," Eva said, "I completely understand."

"Hey, DJ?" Heather asked, sweetly, looking to the large man's eyes, "Will you trade keys with me?"

"Sure!" DJ responded, handing her his key.

"DJ, this key sucks," Heather responded.

"I'm sorry you feel that way," DJ said honestly, "Would you like to trade back?"

"Umm…" Heather said, "Trade… back?"

"Well, my key displeased you," DJ said.

"It's okay, DJ," Heather said, "It really is."

(In the confessional, Heather said, "DJ is too nice for his own good. And everyone knows that nice guys finish last.")

"Hey," Izzy said, "Gwen! Can I have your key?"

"No," Gwen responded, "I think I have a good chance."

"That… that just makes me want it more," Izzy said, cocking her head in confusion.

"Well, I'm sorry, but no is my final answer, Izzy," Gwen said, "I think Noah might think he has a good chance too so maybe you should ask him."

"Oh, yeah," Izzy said, "I already asked him, and he said, 'No, because I'm trying to make Gwen think that I have the real key.'" Izzy then slapped herself and said, "Oh, whoops! That was supposed to be a _secret, _it completely slipped my mind."

"Yes it did," Gwen said, "Wow, I'm sure Noah's going to leave a secret with you again."

(In the confessional, Izzy said, "Guys, guys, I know what you're thinking. 'Why would someone as grumpy as Noah trust you to keep a secret?' Well, I don't know! I really don't! I've blabbed multiple things, but he never learns." Izzy shrugged.)

"Hey, Noah," Cody said, "Would you like to trade with me?"

"I… I think you want Gwen," Noah responded.

"I already asked her, and she said no," Cody responded, and then smiled at Noah, "So…"

"I just don't know if it's right for you, Cody," Noah said, "After all, I don't know if it's right for anyone."

"Oh, come on, Noah," Cody responded, "It's better than nothing, right?"

"I guess," Noah said. "Nonetheless, I'd prefer not to."

"Oh, okay," Cody responded. He walked away and bumped into Harold.

"Hey, Cody," Harold greeted, "What's the matter?"

"Oh, I just got turned down by Noah," Cody said.

(In the confessional, Harold did nothing but laugh his head off for seven seconds, followed by a break; he then said, "That was just… wow… I mean did Cody just seriously…?" He continued to laugh.)

"Hey, DJ," Owen said, "Can I have your key?"

"I don't think you want it," DJ responded, "Heather said it sucked."

"Well, Heather's wrong," Owen said, "I'm sure it's awesome."

"You think so?" DJ asked, trading with Owen.

"Wow, DJ, that _is _awesome," Owen said.

"Thank you," DJ responded.

(In the confessional, DJ said, "When Heather said my key sucked, I felt so sad. But when Owen said it was awesome, it made my day!")

"Hey, Eva," Tyler said, "Want to trade with me?"

"I guess so," Eva said, "Your key is _bound _to be better than this one."

"Yeah," Tyler said, "It probably is. Harold's was pretty convincing. It's barely possible to tell apart from the real one."

"Thanks for that," Eva said. She walked up to Gwen and asked, "Hey, Gwen, want to trade?"

"No thanks, Eva," Gwen responded.

"Why not?" Eva asked, "Do you think you have the real one?"

Gwen's eyes widened.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "I seriously thought, if I told her 'yes' she would force me to give it to her; if I told her 'no' she would continue to interrogate me… it was one of those times that I just couldn't win.")

"I… I refuse to answer that question," Gwen responded.

"Oh," Eva said, "I see. You think you have the real one. That makes sense. Listen, if I let you get immunity, will you promise not to vote me off?"

"I wouldn't vote you off, Eva," Gwen said, "At least not right now. After all, there's a certain _someone _that I want to get rid of first."

"Understood," Eva said, "Go on ahead."

"Time is running out!" Chris announced, "You guys have a grand total of five minutes to finalize the locations of your keys."

"Perfect," Noah said, "An opening." He walked up to Gwen and asked, "Hey, I would like to offer a trade of my key to yours."

"Nice try," Gwen responded.

"What?" Noah asked.

"I said, nice try," Gwen said. "Don't misunderstand me. I'm being totally sincere when I say it was a nice try. And it probably would've worked too, if your motormouth confidante hadn't blabbed."

"Izzy!" Noah scolded.

"Umm…" Izzy said, "It was him!" She pointed in the general direction of Tyler.

"It wasn't me! It was… it was Eva!" Tyler shouted.

"_What? _I'll have you know I wasn't even _in on it, _and even if I _was _I would keep my mouth closed. Now Owen on the other hand…" Eva said.

"It wasn't me, Noah, I swear!" Owen shouted. "It was Cody!"

"What? What?" Cody asked, "It certainly wasn't me! It was Izzy, and that's final!"

"I knew it," Noah said, "Because it was never in _doubt. _Izzy, you just killed my immunity. Nice going."

"What?" Izzy asked, "It's not like you're going to get voted off or something! You have like five friends here! Notwithstanding DJ and Harold…"

"Well, to be fair," Chris said, "Izzy is right! Noah _isn't _going to be voted off today."

"How do you know that already?" Harold asked.

"Because… today's challenge isn't an elimination challenge! It's a reward!" Chris announced. "And the winner is… show your keys please." The contestants complied. "Definitely not Heather. Definitely not Izzy. Definitely not Cody. Definitely not Tyler. Definitely not Owen. Definitely not DJ. Definitely not Harold. Definitely, _definitely, not _Noah," Chris said, while laughing at the small nerd, prompting him to give him an angry glare. "So the winner is either Eva or Gwen… oh, darn it, I have such trouble telling these apart sometimes."

He looked closely at each key and then said, "The winner is Gwen!"

"Alright!" Gwen shouted, "I won! What do I win?"

"You win this!" Chris shouted. He handed her a thick book that read on the cover: **RIDDLEBOT STRATEGY GUIDE.**

"A manual?" Gwen asked. "But nobody reads the manuals!"

"I do," Harold, Cody, and Noah all said in unison while raising their hands.

"Jinx Pythagoras!" Harold shouted.

"A squared plus B squared equals C squared," Cody responded.

"Very well, you are free."

"A squared plus B squared equals C squared _in a right triangle, when A and B represent the legs, and C represents the hypotenuse," _Noah elaborated.

"Know-it-all," Harold said derisively. Noah, however, took this as a compliment. "Fine, you're free too."

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "I'm not sure that the Sesquipedalian Brains got the memo that we merged. I seriously am not sure they realize this yet.")

"Oh, well," Gwen said, "I guess I'll just mull over this manual."

"You really should," Cody said, surprising her.

"Cody, how long have you been behind me?" Gwen asked.

"Relax," Cody responded, "Only a few minutes. But, you should know, that's no ordinary manual. It's a strategy guide; it can help you discover secrets that manuals gloss over too quickly, or pretend don't exist at all!"

Gwen laughed and said, "You are _such _a _dork."_

"I know," Cody said, "But some say that's what makes me charming. Anyway, I'll leave you to that."

Cody walked away, and Gwen picked up the Riddlebot Strategy Guide and started reading it.

Chris walked up and said, "Will Gwen discover the importance of the reward?"

"It's important?" Gwen asked, smiling. "Thanks for the tip, Chris."

"Oh, dang… never mind! Will she ever let Noah live down the fact that he failed to outsmart her? Will she and Cody become an item that makes out all the time…"

"_Chris! _Just _stop," _Gwen demanded, "_Please _stop."

"…But it's just so much fun!" Chris shouted, "Will Eva turn into a ticking time bomb in the next episode? Find out, here on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	17. This Shiny Riddle Made of Galled

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to exchange keys with each other while looking for the right one. DJ was giving out keys like free pancakes, and Gwen and Noah were not giving up their keys for anything. Noah's plan to outsmart Gwen _almost _worked, but then Izzy had to go and spill the beans. The winner ended up being Gwen, who was handed a strategy guide which she reacted to with less than bliss. Was that a good call? Find out today on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

Gwen calmly and happily opened the door, and then said, "I feel like things are looking up for me."

Cody was right behind her. He asked her, "Hey, did you read the strategy guide?"

"I tried," Gwen responded honestly, "But I fell asleep halfway through."

"That's okay," Cody said, "I'm sure however much you read should be enough to help you."

Gwen entered the room, followed by Cody, with Noah, Harold, Eva, Owen, Izzy, and DJ coming in a disorderly blob soon after, followed by Tyler, who was clearly under the impression he was late, and finally Heather, who looked as though she had just woken up.

"Good morning, explorers!" Chris shouted, "And welcome to the computer room!" There were several computers scattered about the room.

"We have a computer room?" Harold asked, then, looking offended, he added, "How come no one ever told me?"

"Well," Chris said, "It's a secret for the final ten! As you can see there are only ten terminals in this room…"

"Ten terminals?" Gwen asked, "I guess that means our challenge isn't musical chairs…"

"Why would it be?" Chris asked, "This is a computer room!"

"Oh, boy!" Izzy shouted, "I love computers!"

"You do?" Noah asked, "Since when?"

"Since I discovered my own kind on the internet," Izzy responded. "They like to hang out in special corners…"

"No," Chris said, "Today's challenge is something much more difficult than musical chairs!"

"What could be more difficult than running to reach a chair before nine people, at least eight of which are more in shape than you, and at least seven of _those_ are physically stronger?" Noah asked.

"Umm," Chris responded, "Answering these brutal riddles!"

"Chris, it has come to my attention that you are misinformed about the definition of the word 'difficult'," Noah answered.

"Shut up, Noah! Your opinion is not the majority opinion, so stop acting like it is," Heather said.

"You're just jealous because he's going to own you at this challenge!" Eva shouted to Heather.

"Oh, you are _so _getting eliminated for that," Heather responded.

"Oh, yeah?" Eva said, "No one's going to vote _me _off while _you're _here."

"You lie," Heather responded, "I'm sure DJ would rather vote you off; Harold too. Right DJ and Harold?"

DJ and Harold looked at each other.

(In the confessional, DJ said, "I don't want to make Heather think that I'd rather vote her off than Eva, but… Eva's proven herself to be heroic, so I want to keep her around. At least a while longer.")

(In the confessional, Harold said, "I… I really don't know what to say. Heather; I mean, she's awesome. Well, maybe not _awesome, _awesome, but she's certainly better than Duncan and Alejandro. But the problem is… is she better than Eva? Noah seems to think that Eva is awesome, and that guy trusts _no one _so… what to do?")

"So, when do we start?" Owen asked.

"You may start whenever. Find a terminal, and answer all of the riddles that the computer gives you. If you get them all right in a row, you win, but… if you get one wrong, well…" Chris said; he pointed to Chef Hatchet who was sitting at one of the computers.

"Hmm," Chef Hatchet said, scratching his head, "I think the answer is Juice." He typed 'J-U-I-C-E'.

"Aah! Wrong!" buzzed a Chris-like voice from inside the machine. A spring-loaded boxing glove appeared from the inside of the terminal and punched him across the room, causing DJ, Owen, Noah, and Eva to cringe sympathetically. Chef Hatchet was sitting on the ground, looking very dizzy on the other side of the room.

"That'll be enough, Chef," Chris said.

"I…" Chef Hatchet said, "Where the heck am I? Where's Gisele?"

"Umm…" Chris said, "In a vacant lot in Montreal."

"Okay," Chef Hatchet said, "I'll go there." He walked out of the room, and fell on his face.

Tyler began to bite his nails.

(In the confessional, Tyler said, "This is going to happen to me, I just know it. I'll get the wording wrong for one of the answers, and then BAM! Right in the kisser!")

"Let the best man win," Eva said, sitting down.

"What? You don't worry about that having sexist connotations?" Noah asked.

"I said, 'Let the best man win,' because obviously you're the only one who can," Eva said.

"I don't know, I think Gwen got to study," he responded, "Not that I would have needed to anyway but…"

"Okay, let's start this. What is made of glass and a cushion?" Eva asked, "What the heck does that even mean?"

"Oh come on, the first question is _so _easy," Cody said, and then he began to type the answer, "The answer is 'C-O-D-Y.'"

"Cody?" Eva asked, "I find that very hard to believe."

"He's right," Noah said, after typing in the same answer. "Good job."

"Thanks," Cody responded.

(In the confessional, Cody asked, "Who hasn't searched for their name on the internet before? I mean, it's _so _much fun. Who ever knew it would come in handy though?")

"Hey, Izzy," Owen said, "Pst…"

"What?" Izzy asked.

"What did you get for riddle number one?" Owen asked.

"I didn't get that one yet," Izzy responded. "Made of glass and a cushion? Ooh! I know! It's… S-A-N-D."

"Very good answer," the computer responded in Chris's voice, "But wrong!" The boxing glove appeared and slugged her in the jaw, sending her flying across the room.

"Izzy!" Owen shouted, "Are you okay?"

"Of course," Izzy said, and then she realized, "Oh, wait, the answer is Cody!"

"Cody?" Owen asked, "Thanks, Izzy."

(In the confessional, Izzy said, "Getting hit on the head gives me insight, you know.")

Gwen and Harold were both breezing through the list with no problem, up through question five. "Okay," Harold said, "Hmm… the contents of a Greek thermometer? That's… umm… oh, okay, I think I understand. Is the answer H-E-R-M-E-S?"

The computer gave him a pass on that.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "I don't know why Harold reads the manuals. He can obviously do it without their help. I'm so mad that I fell asleep in the middle now, because _I _am totally lost. At least I can take comfort in knowing that Heather isn't doing any better than I am.")

"Hey, DJ," Heather said, "Would you care to help me?"

"Well, sure, what question are you stuck on?" DJ asked.

"I'm stuck on question four," Heather answered.

"Oh," DJ said, "I haven't gotten there yet. But I think maybe Tyler has."

"Tyler?" Heather asked, looking at the athlete, who was staring at his screen, which still had riddle number one on the screen. He had not even wagered a guess. "You have got to be kidding me."

"Well, maybe Noah can help! He's already on question fifteen," DJ responded.

"Noah is on question _fifteen?" _Heather asked, "I didn't even know there _were _that many."

"Why so surprised?" DJ asked.

(In the confessional, Heather said, "I can't let Noah beat me. I mean, normally I wouldn't even care if a nerd beat me in a battle of wits like this, but if Noah wins, then Eva wins by extension. _Eva!_ I have to find some way to sabotage his score.")

"Wow, Noah," Cody said, surveying Noah's progress, "You're twice as far as I am."

"Big deal," Noah responded, shrugging.

"Do the questions get harder?" Cody asked.

"It's a cake walk all the way, Cody," Noah responded. Cody smiled at him.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "It takes a certain kind of person to be able to solve all sorts of confusing riddles, and not even _care _that he's doing it! That's the person I _wish_ I could be.")

Gwen hit another roadblock somewhere around question eleven. "Okay, so what culinary vegetable is also a reindeer? Umm… I don't know! Rudolph the Red Nosed Rhubarb?"

"You're putting too much thought into this," Harold said, "Just remember what you read in the strategy guide."

"But I didn't read about this one!" Gwen complained, "I fell asleep in the middle!"

Harold gasped. "You didn't finish it?" Harold asked, "Well, _that's _not going to give you an advantage."

"I know," Gwen shouted, "I know! It's just so _boring,_ you know!"

"By the way the answer is Olive. 'Olive the other reindeer'," Harold said. "It's a 'culinary' vegetable, which means that it's a fruit that dumb people aren't willing to call a fruit, but it _truly _has far much more in common with a cherry or a plum than any _vegetable. _Same with avocados but I mean, gosh, it's like no one even thinks about…"

"Okay, okay," Gwen said, hushing him, "I get it. I get it. Thanks for the tip."

"Next time, read the strategy guide completely," Harold said, "And I will continue my futile endeavor to catch up with Noah."

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "Did Harold eat an encyclopedia as a child or something? Because honestly, it seems that way.")

"Okay, Owen," Izzy said, "I think that I'm almost done! Here I am on question thirteen… and… umm… what was I doing again?"

"You were just about to win immunity, Izzy," Owen said.

"Oh, okay, so the answer is 'I-M-M-U-N-I-T-Y'," Izzy said, while typing in that answer.

"Not even close," the Chris voice said, and the terminal punched her again.

"Oh, _so _close," Owen said.

(In the confessional, Owen said, "I certainly hope that no one votes off Izzy… I like Izzy; I want her to stick around.")

"Hey, Noah," Heather said, "What are you doing?"

"Answering question thirty," Noah responded. "Oh, man this question looks _sooo _hard," he sarcastically remarked.

"Oh, yeah," Heather said, "I got to question thirty, and the answer was _brutal; _I totally thought it was obvious at first too, but it turned out the answer was 'Lame'."

"What was your first guess, then, may I ask?" Noah asked, as he proved that the answer was, in fact, "Lame."

"Uhh," Heather said, "Umm… it was 'stupid?'"

"You would call a man with no legs 'stupid?' Wow, that's umm… totally relevant," Noah responded. "Now, Heather, kindly tell me the answer to question twenty-nine."

"Question twenty-nine? Refresh my memory," Heather said.

"'What rises to the top in a week and sinks to the bottom in under a year?'" Noah reported. "You did… answer question twenty-nine didn't you? You weren't just trying to sabotage me, right? I hope not, because if you were, I'd have to dismiss you."

"Fine," Heather said, walking away angrily, "I get it."

"You'd better," Eva added, shooing her away from their little corner of the room.

(In the confessional, Heather said, "He is too good! And the worst part is that he's going to get _immunity, _which means I can't convince anyone else that he's such a threat and vote him off today.")

Tyler was still staring at question one, and Chris startled him. "Tyler, everyone else has gotten to at least question nine. Why are you still on question one?"

"It's not my fault," Tyler responded, "I don't know the answer."

"Well then _guess_ something," Chris answered.

"But I'll get thrown across the room," Tyler said nervously.

"That didn't stop crazy over there," Chris said, pointing to Izzy, who still appeared dizzy.

"But… but…" Tyler said, "Fine. The answer is C-H-R-I-S."

"What?" the voice in the terminal asked, "I am _not _made of glass, and I'm _certainly _not a cushion! Double punch!" The boxing glove sprung into Tyler's face twice in a row; the first only enough to hurt, and the second one able to send him across the room.

"You programmed the machine to respond to your name," Tyler said, "Why?"

"Because I was sure someone would answer it to question twelve," Chris said.

"But this was question _one," _the disoriented Tyler continued.

"So?" Chris asked, "I was a little thorough."

(In the confessional, Tyler said, "Chris is a supreme narcissist. It's a good thing I learned never to make that mistake again.")

"Question twelve, hmm…" Eva said. "What is put in this world for the sole purpose of sucking, but people put tons of money towards anyway. Heh, Chris!"

"No," Noah responded, "No joke answers. You don't want to be flung across the room."

"Aw," Eva said, "But it's just so tempting!"

"Well, I think she should be allowed," Cody said, "If she thinks it's worth it, I mean."

"Okay," Eva said, typing in the "answer," "C-H-R-I-S".

"I can't believe you said that about me! Double punch!" the voice shouted, and Eva leapt over the boxing glove, so as to not be hit. The boxing glove retracted, and then Chris looked on in shock.

"Hehe," Tyler laughed, "Your plan backfired."

"Shut up, Tyler," Chris shouted, annoyed.

"Okay, now seriously Noah, what's the real answer?" Eva asked.

"Vacuum cleaner, that's V-A-C-U-…" Noah began.

"Alright, I know how to spell," Eva said. She typed in the answer.

"Well, I just wanted to make sure you got it right," Noah said. Then he turned back to his own computer and said, "Oh boy! Question fifty. For the win, 'What is of biblical proportions and not about to end?' Hmm… that's strange… an asterisk." Noah clicked on the asterisk, and then read aloud, "If you are not in fact an insufferable know-it-all with no patience, then click refresh for a more relevant riddle. Wait, okay, so that basically said that this question only applies to me." He turned to Chris and said, "Wow, I'm truly very flattered."

"Well, it's not like any of us didn't see it coming," Chris said.

"Okay," Noah said, "What is of biblical proportions and not about to end? Oh, Noah's _arc. _That's hilarious." He typed in the answer.

"Congratulations; you've won the key!" the computer shouted out, and then a slot appeared, sending through it the key.

"Yes!" Noah said, holding onto the key.

"Okay, Noah wins! Which means he has immunity," Chris said, "And the rest of you guys face elimination."

"Oh, don't worry, Chris," Heather said, "I know who _I'm _voting for."

"So do I," Eva said, sticking her tongue out at Heather.

The votes were cast, and then Chris met everyone in the elimination chamber. "Noah, you get this by default." He passed the bag of pyrite to him. "And the rest of them go to DJ, Owen, Izzy, Harold, Cody, Gwen, Tyler, and… Eva!"

"What?" Heather asked, in shock, "You guys kept _Eva _over me?"

"But Eva is awesome," Izzy said, "I don't understand the problem."

"The problem is, you guys suck! This is all your fault, Gwen," Heather said, pointing at her.

"Hey," Gwen said, "Just because I helped vote you off doesn't mean that it was my fault alone. I'm sure _everyone here _is happy to see you go."

"Yeah," Eva said, "You… you always stay way too long, you know that? But this time, _we will prevail! _Right, Noah?"

"Oh, yeah, definitely," Noah responded.

"I hate you guys; I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" Heather shouted, as she fell down the Trap of Shame.

Chris began, "Now that Alejandro and Heather are both gone, will people who were once friends turn against each other? Will Gwen get some karma for getting rid of Heather…"

"Oh, come on, Chris!" Cody shouted, "Give Gwen a break already."

"Will Cody and Tyler mess up the next challenge so badly that they have to leave? Will Izzy ever recover from being hit so many times by the boxing glove? Find out, next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	18. Nine Heads Are Worse Than One

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to figure out my Riddlebot's awesome riddles. Getting one wrong really _packed a punch_. Gwen had had time the after the previous challenge to study, but she fell asleep on the job. Izzy's brief bouts of insight made a return, and a just as welcome removal. In the end, Noah won—I know, _huge_ surprise; _none of us _saw _that _one coming—and Heather was forced out of the game. Now only nine contestants remain, and it's someone else's turn to go; today on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

Completely nonchalantly, Noah opened the door while whistling a tune. He then walked into the room, followed by Cody and Gwen, DJ and Harold, Eva and Tyler, and finally Owen and Izzy.

"So," Cody said, "No bad guys left, huh?"

"What about Eva?" Tyler asked. She glared at him. "Oh, wait, I mean… she's totally a good guy." Gwen smiled.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "For once, all of the people who have made it to this point are actually… you know, _likeable!_ If any of us goes axe-crazy, it's probably going to be DJ. Beware the nice ones. Or Noah. Beware the quiet ones. Or Cody. Beware the helpless ones.")

"Hey," Chris said, "Good day explorers! Now, remember, that even though there aren't any explorers left who want you to get hosed, who knows what could happen when we have a _ticking time bomb_ here?" Eva looked sheepish.

(In the confessional, Eva said, "I'm better! I swear! I used to want to rip everyone apart when they got on my nerves… now, I just yell at them. I don't like Chris's attitude. Something seems _fishy _to me.")

"This will be good news for DJ and Owen, and _terrible _news for Noah and Eva," Chris said, "Today, you are not competing! You are all working _together." _The aforementioned latter two groaned, as well as Gwen, while the first two and Tyler cheered.

"Go, TEAM!" Tyler shouted, which caused everyone (_including _Izzy) to give him a weird look. He asked, "What?"

"I have a question, Chris," Noah said, raising his hand.

"Is it a legitimate concern or a sarcastic comment?" Chris asked, looking impatient.

"Yes," Noah responded, "If we're working together, then what's even the _point _of doing the challenge? It's not like we can get immunity or anything…"

"Well, well, well," Chris said, "I guess someone doesn't want to be able to get into the final eight! Because the only way _any _of you are staying is if you find the key. Otherwise, I'll replace all of you with these eight interns!" Chris pointed to eight random interns, several of whom were looking around confusedly, and one of whom was picking his nose.

"Okay," Cody said, "That sounds like good incentive to me. Come on, guys, let's go look for the key!"

"Hold up," Chris said, "Not so fast! You haven't heard where to look yet."

"I imagine it's in some sort of deathtrap infested room," Noah said.

"Quit. Doing that. Seriously," Chris said.

"Why?" Harold asked, "He's so good at it! And it makes it easier for the rest of us to see what's coming."

"You are _such _a suck-up," Noah said, "But at least you're a _genuinely nice _suck-up."

(In the confessional, Harold said, "Being called a suck-up hurt; being called a suck-up by _Chris's former assistant _was even more hurtful, but at least the guy is a good judge of character!")

"Yes," Chris said, "There is a room infested with deathtraps! And you have to find the key in it. It doesn't matter who finds it, as long as one of you does! But if _none _of you do, then…" Chris gestured to the interns.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "Chris is bluffing. I know he is. No one would want to watch eight episodes of Total Drama about random interns… I think…")

"Come on, guys," Cody said, "Let's get to searching!"

Cody lifted a lid, which sprayed some sort of yellow gas in his eyes. "Ow!" Cody shouted.

"Be careful," Tyler said, "After all, we don't want to accidentally slip into a _traaaaaaaaaapp!"_ Tyler fell into a ditch that was wide enough to slip his legs through but not wide enough to contain his broad shoulders. He struggled to break free but failed. "Help, I'm stuck!"

"We'll help you," Cody said, as he and Harold started trying to pull Tyler out of the ditch.

"Move aside, gentlemen," Eva said, "Let me handle this!" She cracked her knuckles, and then pulled Tyler out of the ditch with little to no effort.

"Thanks, Eva," Tyler said, "I owe you one."

"No, you don't," Eva said, "I just like being charitable."

(In the confessional, Tyler said, "I don't know what it is about being saved by a girl that's so humiliating. Especially a girl who's the 99th percentile on arm strength… But the 'charitable' line just drove it in further!")

Izzy looked in a bin, which sprayed her with some sort of liquid. "Not in there," she said nonchalantly. She opened an adjacent bin, which repeated the action. "Not in there either," she said. Finally, she opened a third bin, which repeated the action. "Not… in therrre eitherrr," she slurred, before she quietly passed out.

"Izzy!" Owen shouted, concernedly, picking her up, and then almost making the same mistake.

"Whoa, big guy, those have already been checked," Noah said, "Now help me look through this chest."

"Okay," Owen said, lifting the lid of the chest. Three dozen bats flew out of it. When the bats left the area, and then went to settle on Gwen's shoulder to her annoyance, or annoy DJ by flying around his head, depending on which side they flew from, there was a bat that had somehow ended up in Owen's mouth.

"Open," Noah demanded.

Owen complied, and then the bat flew out. It then made a turn straight for Owen and started shrieking in his ears. Noah, who was visibly disturbed by this, ran away.

"Hey, DJ," Harold said, "I notice you have some batty companions."

"Well, yeah," DJ said, "I'm not sure how they got here."

"Did you know that bats have amazing hearing? If you want to tell a secret to someone, you better not have one of those bats lying around," Harold said.

"Well, I can solve that problem by telling my secrets _to _the bats. And in return, they can tell me where the key is," DJ said, "Isn't that right, Myrtle?"

One of the bats shrieked in response. "Myrtle says it's in that tall wardrobe over there."

"Who am I to doubt the wisdom of the only mammal capable of sustained flight?" Harold asked.He opened the wardrobe to reveal that Chef Hatchet was inside, holding an actual hatchet. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" he asked DJ.

"Run?" DJ asked. Harold nodded. They ran away.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "I'm sure what Myrtle actually _said _was true. It must've been DJ's mistranslation!")

"Hey, Gwen," Cody said, "Are you having trouble finding the key?"

"I haven't been looking for it very hard," Gwen admitted.

"Why not?" Cody asked, "If we don't find it we'll _all _get replaced."

"Believe what you want to believe," Gwen said, "I believe Chris was bluffing."

"I believe you have a bat on your shoulder," Cody responded.

"Oh, that," Gwen said, "Yeah… I guess he wanted to stick to me."

"I'm not surprised," Cody said, "Who _wouldn't _be attracted to you?" Gwen gave Cody a weird look. "What?"

"Oh, nothing," Gwen said, "I just wish you'd, you know, _stop."_

"_What?" _Cody asked looking genuinely curious. "If I was hot, you wouldn't even care. In fact, you'd be flattered… but since I'm not, you…"

"Okay, Cody," Gwen said, "No. If you were hot and you did this, I'd _still _think it was annoying."

"Oh, really?" Cody asked.

"Yeah," Gwen responded.

"Well, anyway, Gwen, I'm going to look for the key," Cody said, "Better safe than sorry, am I right?"

"I… I guess," Gwen responded.

(In the confessional, Gwen asked, "Is it just me, or was there some serious reversal of outlook out there? If _Cody_ is telling _me _'better safe than sorry,' maybe I should listen.")

Cody started to check in a pocket-covered pointy object. "It's gotta be around here _somewhere," _Cody said, and then he pressed a button that caused a dart to shoot out.

"Cody, look out!" Noah shouted, and then pushed him over, getting hit by the dart himself.

"Noah, are you okay?" Cody asked.

"Ask… me… in… eight point four hours," Noah said, and then he fell asleep.

"Oh," Cody said, looking helplessly at his sleeping friend, "This cannot be good."

"Hey, guys," a groggy Izzy said, "I think it might be in those yellow gas jars…"

"No," Owen said, "That's not true. Hold on, what's Cody looking through… _holy smokes! What happened to Noah?"_

"He… took a bullet for me," Cody said.

"A bullet! Oh no!" Owen cried, "Why does it always happen to poor little _Noah?"_

"Okay, it wasn't a bullet," Cody said, "But it was a dart that put him to sleep."

Izzy, who suddenly became much perkier, moved over to Noah, and grabbed him by his chest. She shouted his name seven times in ridiculous voices, and then slapped him across the face a couple of times. She shrugged, and said, "He's not waking up."

"Don't worry," Cody said, "I know how to wake him up."

"By kissing him?" Izzy suggested. "It worked so well on you when_ he_ did it…"

"No," Cody denied quickly. "Besides, Izzy, that happened an _extremely _long time ago!"

"It happened," Owen said, "And because of that, you'll never live it down."

Cody bent down next to Noah and whispered in his ear, "The bureaucrats have decided to eliminate standardized testing in favor of classes graded 100 percent on participation!"

"No way!" Noah shouted, popping out of his sleep extremely quickly, "That's awful! I'm hosed for good!"

"No," Cody said, calming him down, "Relax, Noah. I just lied to get you to wake up."

"Oh," Noah said, "Oh, thank you."

(In the confessional, Owen said, "I wish I could bond with Noah as well as Cody can. All those things they do together… oh, I just wish Noah would see I wanted to do those things too!")

Tyler was looking through a series of holes, and was unable to find anything in them except for a giant snake. "Eep," he said, as the snake tried to attack him.

"What's that, Myrtle?" DJ asked, "You think we should go over there?" Tyler ran away screaming right by DJ. DJ asked Myrtle, "What's his problem?" The bat shrugged her wings.

"S-S-S-Snake!" Tyler screamed.

"Snake!" DJ shouted, having overheard. He squeaked, and then he leapt on top of one of the podiums. It began shaking. The snake started chasing after DJ, but, luckily could not reach him because he was still on top of the podium.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Chris said, grabbing the snake, "You're not supposed to be here. You're supposed to be in the _eighth _room. Sorry about that, explorers. This snake isn't supposed to be here yet."

"Oh, thank goodness," DJ said, wiping his brow. Unfortunately, by doing so he caused the podium to topple over.

"Eva!" Izzy shouted, "Behind you!"

"Behind me?" Eva asked, and then she saw the podium coming about to crash down on her head. Before she had a chance to get out of the way, it fell on her.

"Oh my god," DJ said, "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry…" Eva said, as she lifted the podium off of herself. "You're sorry? I don't think that that was your fault. Maybe Tyler because he released that _stupid _snake." Tyler looked sheepish. "But you know who I'm _really _feeling is at fault here? _Gwen."_

"Umm," Cody said, "But Gwen didn't have anything to do with what happened to you…"

"Not what happened to _me,_" Eva said, "What happened to _us! _My _friends _and some of the unluckiest people _alive _have been breaking their backs trying to find the key. Why? So that we don't get replaced. But you know who hasn't been looking _all day long? _Gwen!"

"She thinks Chris is bluffing," Cody said, "Give her that."

"_She hasn't done _anything _to help us find the key!" _Eva shouted. "What if he's not bluffing? Huh? What then? If we don't find the key, we're _all _going home."

"Eva, just take a deep breath and calm down," DJ said, approaching her.

"Don't tell me what to do!" Eva shouted. This frightened DJ and he jumped back in fear.

"In Eva's defense," Noah said, "She has a point. At the risk of making Cody call me a hypocrite again…"

"I thought you forgave me," Cody responded.

"I did," Noah said, "That doesn't mean I've forgotten."

"I agree with Noah," Izzy said, "The rest of us have been looking, right Owen?"

"Yeah," Owen responded although he looked visibly nervous because of it.

(In the confessional, Owen said, "I really don't like singling out people that didn't help in a particular challenge. After all, some of those become the better players later on. And the best friends too!")

"Okay, Eva, I get it," Gwen said, "You think I should look for the key."

"Yes, I do," Eva said, calmly, "That's all I ask."

"Okay," Gwen said, "I'll do that." She began rummaging in the first box around her and she got her hand trapped by something. She shouted, "Ow," and then pulled out her hand, which had become caught in a trap that contained the key on the other end.

"Congratulations," Chris said, "You guys get to stay! You should all consider Gwen your most valuable player."

"Most valuable player? _Most valuable player?" _Eva exclaimed, "All she did was _stand there _while the rest of us had to deal with the deathtraps; and in the end, all she did was _find the key by looking in one place! _I think that Gwen _deserves _to go today."

"Eva," Gwen said, "I… I know." Gwen started to cry. DJ, Harold, Owen, Tyler, and especially Cody looked extremely sympathetic to Gwen.

"Oh, oh god," Eva said, "I didn't _mean _to…" The five were not averting their gazes; she felt as though she had become a pariah. "Did I just…?" She helplessly looked to Izzy and Noah who both nodded sadly.

"Alright, everyone, it's time for the elimination ceremony," Chris said. "Meet me in the elimination chamber."

The votes were cast.

(In the confessional, Gwen voted, while sighing remorsefully. She said, "I guess I really messed up this time around.")

In the elimination chamber, Eva was sitting, looking very ashamed and worried. Gwen had stopped crying, but the majority of the guys were still glaring at Eva. The only exception was Noah who was patting her shoulder sympathetically. Izzy was also trying to comfort her. Gwen and DJ both still had their bats.

"Okay," Chris said, "Today, we're going to see who gets to stay… and the bags of pyrite go to… Cody, DJ, Harold, Owen, Noah, Tyler, Izzy, and… Gwen."

"Yeah!" Cody cheered. "Gwen's still in the game!"

"What?" Gwen asked, "Why? I didn't deserve to st…"

"Say no more, Gwen," Eva said, stepping down, looking very ashamed of herself.

"Eva," Izzy said, "We'll miss you!"

Eva walked over to Noah and said, "Noah, listen. I messed up. But you haven't yet. So you have to win this, okay?"

"I'll do my best, Eva," Noah said. "Farewell, my overzealous friend."

"Promise you'll keep in touch?" Eva asked.

"Eh, I can't promise that," Noah said, "But I'll try as long as you respond."

Eva walked onto the Trap of Shame and allowed Chris to drop her in. "Oh, man," Chris said, "_That's _gonna leave a mark…"

(In the confessional, Eva said, "Chris, this message is specifically for you. You suck. You don't just normal suck. You suck more wind than a man holding his breath. I know you orchestrated my demise. You knew this would tick me off! You knew! And because of that, I hate you more than I ever did before. And considering how much I hated you before, that's saying _a lot!"_)

Chris asked innocently, "Did I do that? Why would I do such a thing?" Then he said, "Will DJ's new bat give him trouble in the next challenge? Will Gwen's? Are the nerds and the freaks going to get into a civil war? I hope so because that would be _awesome! _Find out next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	19. Attacked By Snakes by an Awkward Bat

Chris introduced the show, "Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to work together to locate the key, which worked well for some, and for others it seemed like a fate worse than death. Nonetheless, they all felt the need to work to avoid being replaced by the interns—man, those interns feel so disappointed now—_except _for one. But she got to stay because _someone else_ got mad, and had to leave the game for the second time. Wow, what could have invoked such a dramatic response? It certainly wasn't me." He whistled for a brief moment, then continued, "Now there are only eight contestants remaining. Who will have to leave today? Find out on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"

Gwen, who no longer had a bat on her shoulder, was offered the chance to open the door, but she refused. "I don't think so," she said. She handed the key to Harold. Harold shrugged, and then opened the door. All of the final eight walked into the room.

DJ still had his bat with him, and asked her, "What's that Myrtle? You think we have a good chance?" Then he turned to Gwen, and asked her, "What happened to your bat pal?"

"Honestly?" Gwen asked, "I don't know. I think he lost interest after I fell asleep last night."

"That's strange," DJ said, "Myrtle still likes me."

"Good day explorers!" Chris shouted, "Welcome to the challenge. The key is in a room all the way on the other side of the layer. As you can see, there are four paths to take. I will assign each of you a partner. Gwen and Izzy, since you're the only girls left, you get to take the easy path."

"Alright," Gwen said. "That means we don't have to work too hard."

"Aw man!" Izzy shouted.

(In the confessional, Izzy said, "Do you think I should have petitioned for a harder pathway? _I _think I should have.")

"Tyler and Noah… you guys get the second easiest path because you're roughly the same skill level," Chris said, laughing, when he noticed Tyler's mortified face.

"Don't let him get to you," Noah said to Tyler, "You're at least 30th percentile."

"Thanks," Tyler said, "I know."

(In the confessional, Tyler asked, "Umm, 30th percentile is good, right? …Right?")

"Now, Cody, you get to go with Harold," Chris said, "And you guys get the second hardest path because I think you can handle it."

"Oh, yes we can!" Cody said.

"We won't let you down, Chris," Harold added. "Now let's go."

"So that leaves the hardest path to DJ and Owen," Chris said. "But don't worry, you guys are big enough to take it… or are you?"

"We are," Owen answered happily.

"I _think," _DJ said completely unsurely.

(In the confessional, DJ said, with Myrtle on his shoulder, "Okay, yeah, I know, I'm big and strong, so I should be brave, but I'm _not. _There's a reason I wasn't put on the Valiant Braves, after all." DJ gulped. "I just hope that the hardest path doesn't mean the scariest path. Don't you, Myrtle")

"Are you ready, explorers?" Chris asked, as Gwen and Izzy took their position on the northwest corner of the room, Tyler and Noah on the northeast, Cody and Harold on the southwest, and DJ and Owen on the southeast. "Go!"

"Catch me if you can, lady of the night!" Izzy shouted as she quickly sprinted ahead of Gwen.

"Izzy…" Gwen muttered, looking completely helpless at the actions of the redhead. Then she shrugged and ran after her screaming, "You can't stay away _forever,_ Izzy!"

"Oh, yes I can!" Izzy shouted, picking up the pace, and running at a ridiculous speed.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "When in Rome…")

"Noah, don't worry," Tyler said, "I'll protect you from any of the hazards. Because I'm amazing at sports. Not terrible at them."

"Tyler, you don't have to sell yourself to me," Noah said, "I wasn't the one who compared your skills to mine in the first place."

"I know," Tyler said, "I just want you to know that you don't have to be scared, because I'll protect you!"

"Okay, I'll let you know if I suddenly become a damsel in distress," Noah said, brushing off Tyler.

(In the confessional, Tyler said, "Okay, maybe it was a _little _insulting to his masculinity, but someone so advent-ly… I think that's the word… against sports probably doesn't care as much as I do.")

"Harold," Cody said, looking scared, "What do you think it is about this path that makes it the second hardest?"

"Well, remember that snake in the last challenge? Chris said it was supposed to be here instead," Harold answered.

"So this path contains a snake?" Cody asked, and then he walked onto something soft that made a sound when he stood on it. Cody looked down to see a snake under his shoe. "Uh-oh," Cody said, stepping off the snake, very carefully.

"Oh, no," Harold said, "I think you made him mad…"

"You think? You think?" Cody asked. "We have to get out of here!"

The snake began to follow Cody and Harold, looking very clearly at Cody's ankle. The snake bit Cody.

"Oh, ow!" Cody shouted.

"Cody!" Harold shouted, and then grabbed the snake and tied it into an intricate knot. "That'll teach you to bite my friends."

"Do you think I need to get this looked at?" Cody asked.

"Definitely," Harold said. "Go on, go back. I'll wait for you."

"But what if you lose because of me?" Cody asked.

"I won't," Harold said. "Trust me."

(In the confessional, Harold said, "If previous experience has taught me anything, and it has, patiently waiting and looking for those who are lost is much more strategically sound than pretending they don't exist.")

"Umm, I'm not sure," DJ said.

"Don't worry, DJ," Owen said, "It'll be really easy if you stick with me."

"I know that's the plan," DJ said, "I just don't know if it will work."

"Of course it will work," Owen said, "If it helps, I could hold your hand."

"Well," DJ said, "I guess that might help… but…"

"But what?" Owen asked, "I guess holding my hand might make you feel uncomfortable…"

"It's okay, Owen," DJ said, smiling, "You can still stand by my side."

"And I will, DJ," Owen said kindly.

(In the confessional, Owen said, "DJ's like the nicest guy ever. If I could even come _close _to being as nice as DJ, oh, my life would be so much better!")

"Awesome!" Izzy shouted, although she was so far ahead of Gwen that she was out of sight and barely audible.

Gwen followed her to a location where Izzy was talking to a snake. The snake seemingly understood what she had to say and slithered out of her way. "Umm, Izzy? Did you just talk to a snake?"

"Yeah," Izzy said, "Of course. He was in our way."

"Izzy, just out of curiosity, how many kinds of animals _can _you talk to?" Gwen asked.

"Umm… ninety. Unless you count humans. Then, ninety-one," Izzy responded.

"That's… that's pretty impressive," Gwen said.

"I know, isn't it?" Izzy asked. "Now come on, Gwen, we have to own this thing."

(In the confessional, Gwen noticed, "Izzy's pretty awesome when you think about it. How come I never noticed before?")

"Noah," Tyler said, "Don't look now, but there are a half a dozen snakes approaching you…"

"A half a dozen?" Noah asked, "Tyler, there are seven snakes right there. That's _more_ than half a dozen."

"Well, math isn't my forte," Tyler defended himself.

"Math, literature, theoretical science, social science, history—although that one can be very boring… it's all cake to me," Noah said. "But what _I _suck at is defending myself."

"Don't worry," Tyler said, "I promised I'd protect you, and I will." He got a fierce face, and then attempted to attack the snakes. He tripped and ended up riding the snakes as if they were a mosh pit.

Noah looked down at him and said in complete monotone, "Oh, my hero."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Tyler said, "Just help me get up."

"Yes," Noah responded, grabbing onto Tyler's hand, and straining to pull him up.

Noah and Tyler both looked freaked out by the snakes.

Tyler looked helplessly to Noah. "Okay, Mr. Academic, what do we do now?"

"Well," Noah said, looking at the snakes, "If we are careful, we should be able to walk by the snakes without stepping on them."

"Okay," Tyler responded.

(In the confessional, Tyler said, "The people on my teams always said the nerds were losers. But all of the nerds I know are really awesome. So I don't know what they were talking about.")

"Chris?" Cody asked. "I got bitten by a snake."

"And why is this my problem?" Chris asked.

"Because I think that I might be in danger," Cody said.

"And?" Chris asked.

"It could kill me, you know," Cody said. Chris looked at him blankly. "And then you'd get sued?"

"True," Chris said, and then he sighed. He called over Chef Hatchet, who wore a very unflattering nurse uniform. "Take a look at Cody for me."

"Okay," Chef Hatchet responded.

"It's on my ankle," Cody said, lifting his pant leg and lowering his sock so the injury would not be obscured.

Chef Hatchet looked at it. "Yep, that's a snake bite alright," he said.

Cody shouted impatiently, "I know that! Is it serious?"

"Uh," Chef Hatchet said, "I don't know."

"Yeah, what do we look like, MDs?" Chris asked.

"Whatever," Cody said, "If it was serious you'd probably notice."

(In the confessional, Cody was frantically looking through a book that had a visible title reading **Dangerous Animals and What Can Be Done About Their Attacks. **He eventually got to a page that caused him to sigh in relief. Then, in less than three seconds he shouted, "Okay, turn off the camera.")

"What does Myrtle think we should do?" Owen asked.

"I don't know," DJ said, "She's been awfully quiet."

"Well, yeah," Owen said, "Because she's sleeping."

"I know," DJ said, "Isn't she _adorable _when she's sleeping?"

"Oh, absolutely!" Owen responded. Owen and DJ continued to walk through the hallway. Suddenly, Myrtle woke up and shrieked.

"What is it, Myrtle?" DJ asked, "Danger alert?"

"Danger!" Owen shouted, "Uh-oh."

There were twenty snakes. "T-T-Twenty s-s-snakes?" DJ shouted, alarmed.

"It's okay, DJ," Owen said, "We'll get through this. Remember, happy thoughts."

"Twenty? That's too many!" DJ shouted. "We won't get through this!"

"Yes we will," Owen said, attempting to calm DJ down. It might have worked if not for the three snakes nonchalantly crawling up Owen's back and over his shoulder, while he was apparently oblivious to them.

"No we _won't!" _DJ exclaimed and then he ran away.

"No, DJ! Wait, come back!" Owen shouted.

(In the confessional, Owen said, "DJ has never been voted off. Ever. If he freaks out and runs in the middle of this challenge, that will most likely be how he leaves. And _I'm _not ready for DJ to leave yet. He's awesome!")

"So many snakes it would take a thousand rakes to contain the snakes!" DJ shouted in the fetal position.

"DJ," Chris said, "You have to go back and face those snakes or else you can't get to the key."

"No… No, Chris," DJ said, "I've made up my mind; I'm quite done with those slithering things."

"Okay, suit yourself," Chris responded. "But you know that if you don't go back you'll…"

"Whatever, I'll risk it," DJ said. "Too many snakes…"

Meanwhile, Cody was returning to Harold, who had since been covered by ten snakes. "Hello, Cody," Harold said, "A little help here? The snakes decided to avenge their friend." Cody looked terrified, but decided to help pull each of the snakes off of his friend.

"Come on, Harold," Cody said, "You snooze you lose! You don't want to lose to the girls and our unappreciated friends, do you?"

"No," Harold shouted, "Let's go!"

(In the confessional, Cody said, "I'd never been feeling so in charge before. It was kind of nice. This was the first time I made it to the merge without any sort of codependency, so it was nice.")

"Now, because our path is allegedly the second easiest, there shouldn't be very many snakes on it, so we probably ran into most of them," Noah said, "Come on, Tyler. The key is close to us." Tyler sat down. "Oh, come on, Tyler! What's wrong? You're not still moping about what Chris said, are you?"

"No," Tyler said, "I'm moping about what _you _said."

"What I said?" Noah asked, "What do you mean? What-what did I say?"

"You said that I was your hero sarcastically," Tyler responded.

"Yeah? And?" Noah asked, "You should know this already."

"Look, I know you were just teasing and weren't trying to hurt my feelings, but… it was… you know, it made me feel less manly," Tyler answered.

"Tyler, you should never let a man you outweigh due to muscles make you feel less manly," Noah responded. "It's like an unwritten rule. Look, yes, you failed at protecting me. But you tried. And isn't that what really matters?"

"Noah, do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound trying to give a pep talk?" Tyler asked, laughing.

"Yeah, I do," Noah said, "But I thought it was the only way to get you to get up. You sportos love pep talks, right?"

"You know nothing about sports," Tyler said, laughing harder.

"And I'm fine with that," Noah said, "To each his own."

Noah and Tyler agreed to go try to complete the race.

Gwen and Izzy were way ahead of them, however. Izzy sniffed the air, and then she said, "I think the key is nearby!"

"You can tell that from smell?" Gwen asked.

"Well yeah, because the key is made of iron, it smells like _fresh blood!" _Gwen looked terrified. "Oh, relax, Gwen, you act as if you've seen a ghost. Of course, I see ghosts all the time. Like the one that told me to go blow up a building… I told him, 'No way, Jose! I like to buy stuff at that store!' And he was all, 'Okay, but my name is Carlos.'"

"Okay…" Gwen said, "Now Izzy, tell me more about the fresh blood thing."

"Well, you know, Gwen," Izzy said, "Fresh blood is made of iron too. At least a lot of it is."

"Okay," Gwen responded, "So you smell the key from here. So that means it's close. Well, what are you waiting for, Izzy? Go get it!"

"Okay," Izzy said, and then she looked into the room. She gasped. "No! Noah and Tyler are on our trail! I can hear them talking from the hallway. We have to hurry."

"Alright, Izzy," Gwen said, "We better."

Izzy grabbed Gwen's wrist and ran into the room, where she spotted the key. "Aha!" Izzy shouted, "Perfect! I'll grab it!"

"Noooooooo!" Tyler shouted from down the hall. He lunged into the room and knocked Izzy down grabbing the key for himself. When it worked, Noah looked satisfied and patted himself on the back.

"Dang," Izzy said. "I want a rematch!" she shouted.

"It's okay, Izzy," Gwen said, "Let him have this one. He's Tyler."

"Congratulations, Tyler!" Chris shouted, "You win!"

"I… I win? I win!" Tyler shouted. "Yes! Immunity here I come!"

(In the confessional, Tyler said, "Second banana team _every_ season I played? Never made it to the merge except for this time because of a return? Well _now _I _won _a game all by myself! Take that, coach who kicked me off the team! Take that, Myron! Yeah, I'm talking to you, Mr. Tyler-You-Suck-And-Should-Never-Play-Sports-Sayer!")

"Are we late?" Harold asked, "Sorry, we kind of got held up due to a snake bite."

"Are you okay, Cody?" Gwen asked.

Cody asked. "How did you know it was _me _who got bitten?"

Gwen bit her lip trying to stifle a laugh. She responded, "Just a stab in the dark."

"Well, I'm happy to report that I'm feeling okay," Cody said.

"Anyway," Chris asked, "Where were we?"

"Oh, you were just about to give me immunity!" Tyler said, "Because _I won!"_

"Oh, right, that. Well, you _would _get immunity if we didn't already know who to get rid of…" Chris responded.

"What?" Owen asked, tearfully, coming into the room. "No! You don't mean…"

"Yes," Chris said, "Unfortunately, so. I tried to warn him that it would lead to instant elimination, but he didn't listen to me. Now, we should humor him and go back to the other room, because as we all know, he couldn't face the snakes."

"Wow, Chris, you sounded so human when you said that, I almost forgot you weren't!" Noah said.

"_Thank _you Noah," Chris responded, and then he pushed him over.

"Worth it…" Noah said, after seeing _every single other _competitor cringe at his expense.

"Now come on, explorers," Chris said, "Let's go say goodbye to DJ."

"No, no, no, no, no," Owen said, "You can't let DJ go today! I beg you! Let me go instead!"

"I'm sorry, Owen," Chris said, "But I can't do that."

"You can _sometimes!" _Owen responded.

"But not today," Chris responded. Owen looked helpless.

(In the confessional, Owen said, "You've gotta give me credit for trying, guys! One of these days he's going to let me. Maybe if I work on a heartfelt abdication speech… yeah; I'll do that. I'm going to need someone to help me write it though.")

DJ was sitting helplessly. The other seven each walked by him.

"DJ, I don't know you very well, but you seem like an upstanding guy, whose politeness is not a guise but a genuine attribute. And I'm a great judge of character." Noah said, "I'm sorry to see you go."

"You," Harold said, crying, "You were always the one to take the high ground in your posse… I respect you for that. And you and I became friends too."

"DJ, you were always awesome," Gwen said, "You never got involved in those stupid conflicts that those catty girls always started which means you're stronger than I am."

"DJ, DJ, DJ! If only I could _ever _be as nice as you," Owen said, "You deserved to win the first season; not me."

"Oh… oh, I can't think of anything to say, but… I'll miss you, big guy!" Tyler said, shaking DJ's hand.

"Oh, DJ!" Cody shouted, wrapping his arms around the larger man suddenly, causing him to flinch slightly, and then hug back.

"Goodbye, DJ!" Izzy shouted, waving. "We will always miss you! Even when we forget your name isn't PJ."

"Thanks, guys," DJ said, "I'll miss all of you too! Now, I have to go! Good luck to every last one of you. You're all awesome in your own special ways!"

DJ waved and then walked away. Myrtle still clung to his shoulder. He took her off, and then said, "Myrtle, I think we should say goodbye too. After all, you belong here, in Chris's fortress. This is your home." Myrtle put her left wing over her face, and appeared to be crying. "I know; I'll miss you too."

"Yep," Harold said, "There goes one man who could never lose a poll."

"Now that DJ is gone, what will our final seven have as a voice of reason? Will Owen quit? Will I _let _Owen quit? Hmm… Anyway, what will become of these friendships that developed during this race? Will they turn into alliances that break up current friendships? Oh, I can feel the drama happening already. Find out what might go down, next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	20. Are You Smarter Than A Dictator?

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to race to the key through four winding paths. Not too difficult by itself, but we had some friends to help us make the race more interesting. Tyler managed to prove that he's not _completely _incompetent by taking the win, but DJ was not so lucky. Due to his cowardice, he was forced into elimination, which none of the remaining explorers were too happy about. But now only seven remain. What will happen next? Find out, this time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

Tyler wandered up to the door spinning the key around. "Alright," Tyler said, "Yeah! I won." He turned to Owen and the ex-Brains, notably avoiding Gwen and Izzy, and then shouted, "How does it feel, ladies?"

"Eh," Noah said, "Whatev."

"You're not even a little bit jealous?" Tyler asked.

"Not really," Owen responded, looking very confused.

"Okay, whatever, guys," Tyler said, and then he walked into the room, followed by Noah, Harold, Owen, Cody, Gwen, and Izzy. The room had a table with eight chairs around it.

Izzy and Gwen looked around the room. Gwen asked, "Huh? Where's Chris?"

"You're acting as if it would be a good thing if he _was _here," Noah said.

"No," Gwen said, "I don't think it would be good. It would just, you know, make sense."

"Chris must be hiding," Harold speculated. "Maybe he's under the table." Harold looked under the table but found no such person. He came out and shrugged. "I guess not."

"Ooh! Ooh!" Izzy shouted excitedly. "I know where Chris is! He's right behind me!"

"Congratulations, Izzy!" Chris shouted, causing all the guys and Gwen to flinch. "Good day my Lucky Seven Explorers! How smart are you feeling today?"

"Very," Harold said.

"Why?" Cody asked, "Is it another challenge for us?"

"Well…" Chris said, "You can see for yourself. What we have here is a table. Each of you must now take a seat."

They obliged. The arrangement had Tyler sitting between Noah and Harold. Cody was sitting next to Harold, Owen was sitting next to Noah, Izzy was sitting next to Owen, and Gwen was sitting next to Cody. Chris pulled out a box of yellow tokens. "Do you see these?" he asked, holding one up. "You want to collect these." Chris took the seat between Gwen and Izzy and then said, "I like to call this challenge The Worst Mind. The first person to get five tokens wins."

"How do you get tokens, anyway, Chris?" Owen asked.

"Well, you get them by answering questions correctly. Okay, so, you're up first Cody! Cody, what does a guy wear to prom?" Chris asked.

"Uhh…" Cody said. "Let's see, I know it's not anything gross… a tuxedo?"

"Yes," Chris said, handing him a token.

Cody sighed in relief.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "When Chris said he was going to ask us questions, I didn't think he was going to ask us hard questions!")

"Gwen! What musical artist is currently number one on the charts?"Chris asked.

"Umm… uhh, let me think," Gwen said, "Umm… The Drama Brothers?" she asked.

"No, man," Harold said, "We've been down low for quite some time now."

"Sorry, Gwen," Chris said, and then he pressed a button that sent her out of her seat.

"Gwen?" Cody asked concernedly.

"Don't worry," Chris said, "This won't hurt her."

Gwen walked back to her seat.

"Nothing happened this time because you didn't have any points, but just so you guys know, getting one wrong gets rid of all of your tokens," Chris said. Cody held his tightly to his chest.

"Izzy!" Chris shouted. "What is the capital of the country to the south of the country to the west of the country where you can find London?"

"Nouakchott? No, maybe it was Dakar, Banjul, Bissau…" Izzy listed. Chris looked very impatient as she continued to list cities.

"Whatever, Izzy, here's your token!" Chris said, handing it to her.

"Awesome!" Izzy shouted, looking at it happily.

Chris groaned. "Anyway, Owen! It's your turn, buddy! How many calories is an average male supposed to have in his daily diet?"

Owen's eyes widened at that and then he said, "I refuse to answer this question."

"Fine," Chris said, ejecting him from his seat.

Owen groaned, "Ow."

"Noah," Chris said, laughing, "I've been waiting for you… what is a strike?"

"A strike? I'm afraid I don't have enough information: are you talking about a perfect roll in bowling? A miss in baseball? A generic hit? A petition by a union to get better benefits by refusing to work until…"

Chris looked impatient and then he said, "The second one."

"Honestly, Chris," Noah said, "You really need to make your questions more specific."

"I concur," Harold said.

"Alright," Chris said, "Here's your freaking token, Noah."

"Much obliged," Noah responded, placing it in front of him.

"Tyler!" Chris shouted.

"Huh?" Tyler asked, "Oh, is it my turn?"

"Yes, it's your turn," Chris said. "What is the square root of one hundred and sixty nine?"

"Oh come on, Chris," Harold said, "That question is _way _too easy."

"Easy?" Tyler asked, "I have no idea!"

"Just guess," Chris said.

"Don't," Noah said, "He's just trying to make a fool out of you."

"Well, in that case," Tyler said, "I'm certain that the answer is 27."

Chris started laughing hysterically. When he noticed no one else was he asked, "What? Didn't you guys catch that he was _completely wrong?"_

Tyler looked dejected, before being flung out of his seat dramatically.

(In the confessional, Tyler said, "I know my nerd buds were only not laughing to be polite. In reality, they were probably all laughing on the inside. Harold said it was _easy. _Easy like a root canal, maybe.")

"Alright, Harold, are you ready for your turn?" Chris asked.

"Of course I am," Harold said, "I'm ready for anything!"

"Okay, then, Harold, here is your question. When did the Chinese bomb Pearl Harbor?"

"The answer to that question is _never," _Harold answered.

"I'm sorry, the answer is 1992," Chris said.

"What?" Harold asked, "But that's not even true! Even if you _had _gotten the country right…"

"Shut up, Harold, _I _say you're _wrong!" _Chris shouted, and then sent Harold out of his chair. "Alright, raise your hand if you have a token." Cody, Izzy and Noah raised their hands. "The rest of you guys go to the end of the line."

Harold grumbled something about Chris being completely unfair and a liar, and Tyler told him "It's okay, Harold. I forgot when the Chinese bombed Pearl Harbor too." Harold sighed in annoyance.

"Cody," Chris asked, "Is this guy the coolest guy in the world or a loser?" He held up a picture of Leisure Suit Larry.

"Well, quite obviously," Cody said, "He is the coolest guy in the world."

"No," Harold said, "That's the wrong answer; I just know it is."

"Harold, maybe you should try being right on your own questions," Chris said, "Sorry, Cody, back to square one."

"Dang it!" Cody shouted, and then he kicked the table before being ejected from his seat.

Chris walked up to him and stole his token. "Alright…Izzy, you're up next! Your question is… what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

"Umm… I know this one. African or European?" Izzy shouted.

Chris sighed, giving her the token for that. "Okay, Noah, your question: what character in Romeo and Juliet said the line, 'Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them?'"

"Umm," Noah said, jestingly, "I believe that was said by Benvolio's evil twin, who was offstage the entire time."

"What?" Chris asked, "I told you not to read the itineraries!"

Noah's eyes widened, and then he asked, "You mean that was _the answer? _Well, that just proves what I already suspected. This challenge is a load of…"

"Gwen!" Chris said, "Are you ready to go again? Your question this time is, what is the most popular brand of makeup among Total Drama fans?"

"Umm… Gabriella Lane?" Gwen guessed blindly.

"Nope, sorry," Chris said, sending her out of her seat.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "I'm beginning to suspect Chris doesn't even _know _the answers to my questions…")

"So, Owen, you ready for another shot?" Chris asked.

"I most certainly am," Owen said, "I'm totally ready."

"Don't you think I look so sexy without my shirt on?" Chris asked, taking off his shirt.

"Umm… umm," Owen said, "I refuse to answer this question." He was punished for that.

"Tyler," Chris said. The jock had fallen asleep and was currently drooling. Chris snapped to wake him up.

"Oh, yeah," Tyler said, waking up, "I'm ready for anything!"

"What's the capital of Mexico?" Chris asked.

"Umm… hold on," Tyler said, "I know this one."

"Mexico City," Harold whispered.

"Cheating are we?" Chris asked, and then sent Harold flying out of his seat.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "I couldn't just let Tyler suffer like that! I had to help him! It was help, not cheating… right?")

"Well, at the end of the first two rounds only two of you have any tokens—and to both of you, these will be _even harder _than the first two!" Chris said, laughing. "Izzy, tell me exactly what Noah is thinking right now."

"Like you can even judge that," Noah said.

"Umm… he's thinking that you're an incompetent moron, that Cody is clearly the hottest guy in the room, that he wants to kill me for saying that, and that he'd rather be at home reading fanfiction than playing this game," Izzy shouted.

"Whoa! Well, three out of four isn't bad," Noah said. Izzy rolled her eyes.

(In the confessional, Izzy said, "He said three of them were true… which one isn't? Probably, the secret answer is that they're _all _true.")

"Alright," Chris said, "If Noah concedes, then I guess I have to give you…" He gave a deep exasperated sigh. "…A third token." His annoyance turned into a different face when he turned to Noah. "Now, you tell me exactly what _Tyler_ is thinking."

"I'm afraid I cannot," Noah said, "But here's my best guess, 'Oh, crap. These questions are way too hard. I'm going to lose for sure. Why is it always me? Why the heck is Izzy getting so lucky anyway?'"

"Well, Tyler?" Chris asked. Tyler looked very distracted. "Tyler, did Noah successfully convey what you were thinking?"

"Huh?" Tyler asked, "I don't know. I wasn't listening."

"I'll take that as a no," Chris said.

"Swell," Noah responded, as he was thrown out of his chair, and had to give up his two tokens. Tyler saw what had happened and cringed.

(In the confessional, Tyler said, "Noah lost his points because _I _was distracted. Like I really need _him _on my _bad _side.")

"Cody," Chris said, "Do you think you can recover?"

"Oh, absolutely," Cody said, "No problem."

"How do women like the body spray?" Chris asked.

Gwen looked pitifully at Cody.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "I felt so sorry for Cody! There was no way he could have possibly gotten that right. But then something amazing happened.")

Cody scratched his chin, and then said, "Well, I always used a lot of it, so I guess the answer is _not very much."_

Chris was astounded, as were Noah, Harold, and Tyler; which was shown by every single one of them dropping their jaws. Gwen shouted out encouragingly, "You rock, Cody!"

"I rock? Does that mean…?" Cody asked eagerly.

"No," Gwen responded.

"Oh," Cody answered.

"As much as I hate to admit it, you're on the plus side again," Chris said begrudgingly. "Ready to go, Gwen?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah," Gwen said, "I sure am." She was wearing an obviously fake smile as she said this and was laughing hesitantly.

"Gwen, who is the hottest vampire ever?" Chris asked.

"Well, that would be quite obviously, Vlad," Gwen answered.

Chris said she was wrong, but everyone in the room glared at him after that.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "I'm just surprised she managed to answer that question _at all. _I don't know who this Vlad guy is, but I need to look like him!")

"Okay, you're up next, Owen. Are you ready?" Chris asked.

"I promise I'll answer this one," Owen said.

"Okay, then, who should have won the first season?" Chris asked.

"Oh, that's easy," Owen answered, "Noah!"

"Me? Really? Because I seem to recall that you _voted me off. _Not that it wasn't provoked…" Noah said.

"I'm sorry, the answer was 'Gwen,'" Chris said, sending Owen out of his chair.

"Chris, that question was _extremely biased!" _Harold complained.

"You complain when it's your turn, McGrady…" Chris said as an aside. He turned to Tyler, and then asked, "This question is really, really easy. Who wrote _A Christmas Carol_?"

Tyler looking completely dumbfounded guessed, "Tom…Lehrer?"

"I'm sorry, that's wrong," Chris said, and was about to send him out of his chair.

"Actually," Harold corrected, pointing to an article (which no one on the set including the cameraman knows where he found), "There is someone with that name who wrote a piece with that name. So Tyler was right."

"He was?" Chris asked, completely astounded. "Well, it doesn't count, because I've never heard of it."

Chris sent Tyler flying out of his chair anyway.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "Ask ridiculous questions that are meant to stump us, fine. Give ridiculously inaccurate information and grade me for it badly, fine. But when someone as airheaded as Tyler comes up with a completely accurate alternative response to a question that is _meant _to be intuitive, you should _count it! _Gosh!")

"Okay, Harold, it's your turn. Is Duncan amazing or super duper incredibly amazing?" Chris asked.

"Read those again, and this time include the right answer," Harold asked.

"I did. Is Duncan amazing or super duper incredibly amazing?" Chris asked again. He gave Harold an expectant look.

"Well out of those choices, I guess the answer is 'amazing'," Harold said begrudgingly.

"I'm sorry; the answer was _actually _'super duper incredibly amazing,'" Chris said, sending Harold out of his chair.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "I guess Chris knows exactly what to go for. At this rate, no one will _ever _reach the five-token quota.")

"Bring it on, Chris," Izzy said, "I'm ready for token number four!"

"Let's see if you can get it, Izzy," Chris said, "What is my mother's aunt's maiden name?"

"Umm… let's see, you take the square root of Isabella, divide by 4, carry the one…" Izzy said, as she frantically wrote something down (which the camera revealed to be a doodle of Noah and Owen sharing a plate of tikka masala), then she asked, "Is it by any chance Kira McDougal?"

"What the?" Chris asked, "How did you _know _that? Have you been stalking me?"

"No," Izzy answered truthfully. "It was just a lucky guess."

"More like a _psychic _guess," Noah said, looking astonished at what had just been exchanged.

"Pft, you do that _all the time," _Izzy said. Chris gave Izzy her fourth token.

(In the confessional, Izzy was laughing hysterically, and then she said, "You cannot take it away from me. These tokens… these tokens are mine. Mine! All mine!" She continued to laugh hysterically, and the screen flashed. Izzy looked up and said, "Huh, the light in here _really _needs to be changed.")

"Okay, Cody, you have a token, so… what is the one thing you should never get a girl for her birthday?" Chris asked.

Cody panicked. He bit his lower lip, swallowed, and then said, "The one thing you should never get a girl on her birthday is… a breakup. Especially a phone message or a _text."_

"I'm sorry, Cody, but the answer was a rabid wolveri…" Chris began.

"No," Gwen said, stopping him. "Give him this one."

"Well, that didn't work when I tried to…" Harold began, but was interrupted by Chris.

"Well, Gwen's a girl. She'd know," Chris said, reluctantly handing a token to Cody. He then turned to face her and asked, "Well, Gwen, ready to go?"

"Oh, yes," she said, nervously.

"Okay, so Gwen, what song is being played right now?" Chris asked. He started playing a song that had a very prominent beat and bass-line, no guitar, piano, or any other treble instrument except for an occasional obvious synthesizer, and a man who obviously couldn't sing "singing" about how he loved his girlfriend with tons of obvious auto-tune, and "singing about" meant "repeating the statement ad nauseam."

Izzy was dancing, and said, "I love this song! It's a great parody of terrible music!"

"What? This isn't a parody," Chris said, shrugging.

"Oh, well, then it sucks," Izzy said, sitting down.

"Oh my god," Noah shouted, covering his ears, "Turn it off! Turn it off!"

"Not until Gwen guesses!" Chris shouted. Gwen looked very uncomfortable.

(In the confessional, Gwen asked, "Honestly? Did Noah really think it was polite to cover his ears when I wanted to do so _really badly _but couldn't, because I had to guess the stupid thing?")

"Umm, is it 'I Love My Girlfriend?'" she guessed.

"Yes, it is!" Chris said, "Congratulations. Here's a token."

(In the confessional, Gwen said, angry at herself, "Okay, a token for knowing _that… _I might as well bleach my hair, put it in pigtails, and change my voice," Gwen then tried to make her voice as high and nasally as possible, "Like so." She crossed her arms, and blew the bangs out of her face.)

"Owen! Are you ready?" Chris asked.

"Oh, yes sir! And don't worry, I'll get it right this time," Owen said, looking on eagerly.

"Okay," Chris said, "What is the meaning of the nickname Alejandro gave you third season, 'butter donkey'?"

"I… I have no idea," Owen said, shrugging.

"Is he _really _this dense?" Chris asked Noah.

"As a brick," Noah responded. "But we love him anyway."

"Can I ask you a question?" Chris asked.

"Ask away," Noah responded.

"Okay, in what universe is my hair ugly?" Chris asked.

"This one," Noah responded.

Chris sent him flying out of his chair. When he noticed everyone cringing, he said, "Worth it. Again."

"Tyler, are you ready for your last question?" Chris asked.

"What makes you so sure it's the last question?" Tyler asked indignantly.

"Because Izzy's totally gonna win next round…" Chris said. "Anyway, this is your question. What is my middle name?"

Tyler looked dumbfounded. "I have no clue!" he said.

"Well, that's okay, Tyler, you just have to be ejected from your seat now," Chris said. He turned to Harold and asked, "You, Harold, who was the greatest king of England ever?"

"Well actually, there was this one guy who was pretty awesome; my great great grandfather was named after him you know. But then he got removed by some stupid guy named _William_, and you know it really all went downhill from there…" Harold said.

"Enough," Chris said, sending Harold out of his chair. "The correct answer was Arthur."

"Actually, there has been plenty of evidence to suggest that King Arthur never actually existed, and although there are some people who still believe it…" Harold said.

Chris attempted to send Harold out of his chair again, but failed. "Dang, I really need to get this to work on the ground too," Chris said. He turned to Izzy and continued, "Okay, Izzy, for the win… what is the country immediately to the south of Canada?"

"Um, Chris?" Noah asked. "That question is extremely hard."

"Well, I just think that maybe Izzy can't think inside the box," Chris said back.

"Oh, I know," Izzy said, "The United States! Of course technically, part of it is to the west of Canada too… and you can see Russia from there. Russia… what an amusing country. Is it Asian or European?

Noah answered "Asian" while Owen answered "European." They gave each other a look.

"Congratulations, Izzy," Chris said, handing her the final token. "You win!"

"Awesome!" Izzy shouted.

"Which means you get immunity. As for the rest of you…" Chris said.

"I know, I know," Tyler said.

The votes were cast, and the contestants met in the elimination chamber. "Okay, so, Izzy, here's your bag of pyrite. Enjoy."

"Much obliged," she shouted, catching it.

"And the rest of these go to: Noah, Cody, Harold, Gwen, and…Owen," Chris said.

"Oh, well," Owen said. "I guess I can stay for another challenge.

(In the confessional, Owen said, "I think I'm really on to something with my resignation speech. I just hope it's ready before I end up in the final two anyway…")

"Sorry, Tyler," Chris said.

"I know I let you down, Noah," Tyler said.

"Don't worry about it, Tyler," Noah said, "Seriously, I didn't even vote for you."

"You didn't? Then who did?" Tyler asked.

Izzy, Owen, and Gwen looked at each other, and then they knew.

"Oh, things are about to get even better!" Chris said, "Now that Izzy, Owen, and Gwen found out that they eliminated Tyler, are they going to form an alliance of some sort? Will Noah ever be brought to justice for the horrible crime of reading the itineraries in advance…"

"I never did that, Chris," Noah said, quite annoyed.

"Will my interns do something to make my hair better? Find out next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	21. Dare I Ask What Fort?

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, I asked our explorers some fair, unbiased, and 100 percent true questions, but unfortunately all of them were too stupid to get them right. Noah and Cody had some marginal luck with a few of the questions; and Gwen was able to answer one too, but in the end the only one whose mind was truly up to par was Izzy, who was given immunity. Meanwhile, Tyler, who thinks the square root of one hundred and sixty nine is _twenty-seven, _got eliminated. Now only six explorers remain! And which ones will continue to stay? Find out, here on Total. Drama. Fortress!" Chris introduced the show.

Izzy held the key in her hand, and opened the door. "Ladies first!" she shouted, gesturing to Gwen.

"Uh, thanks?" Gwen said, confusedly.

Izzy gave an expectant look to Noah, who gave her an incredulous look in return, but then sighed and walked in before she did. Then Cody and Harold followed, along with Owen.

"Um, Izzy and Owen?" Gwen asked, "Can I talk to you guys?"

"Oh, yes," Izzy said. "What do you need?"

"Do you think it was smart of us to vote off Tyler?" Gwen asked, "I mean, now the nerds are equal our numbers."

"So?" Owen asked, expectantly, "They're awesome!"

"Well, I mean," Gwen said, "Look at them." She gestured to Noah, Cody, and Harold who were congregating on the other side of the room. "Don't you think there's an alliance there?"

"Of course! And…?" Izzy asked, hoping Gwen would elaborate.

"Well, what's stopping them from getting rid of all of us?" Gwen asked.

"Well, I mean, I wouldn't be mad if one of them won," Izzy said. "It's not like they're liars or fakes, after all."

"Yeah," Owen said, "Besides, I'm going to quit as soon as I get done with my resignation speech." He took out a piece of paper and began writing on it.

Gwen gently took his hand down and said, "Owen. Not right now, okay? Can't I get you guys to at least ensure a tiebreaker?"

"Sure," Izzy said.

"But we need to know who we want to vote off," Gwen said.

"Oh, we do," Izzy said.

Gwen said Noah's name, Owen said Cody's name, and Izzy said Harold's name all at the same time.

"I don't think that's going to work after all," Owen said sadly.

"Well, Izzy, why do you want to vote off Harold?" Gwen asked.

Izzy stared at her blankly and said, "Surely you must know by now."

"Point taken," Gwen said and then turned to Owen and asked, "Owen, why do you want to vote off Cody?"

"Well, I mean Noah's the coolest guy ever so I don't want to get rid of him, and Harold… well, I guess it's okay if we vote off Harold instead."

"But Harold's not as much of a threat as Noah is," Gwen pointed out.

"Oh no, oh no! It's London all over again!" Owen shouted grabbing his head.

"Owen! Get yourself together!" Izzy said, slapping Owen. "It's two to one! Harold it is."

Meanwhile Noah said, "Guys, we have to get immunity today. Look at those guys talking about us behind our backs. Izzy and Owen better not be planning to betray me…"

"Honestly, Noah, you can't even trust your own friends?" Harold asked, "For Pete's sake, could you _be _more cynical?"

"I could," Noah said, "But I won't."

"Well, don't worry," Cody said, "For I have a plan."

"What's your plan?" Noah asked.

"Ask me later," Cody said, when he noticed Chris coming.

"Good day, explorers!" Chris shouted. "Welcome to the room. Now, this will be a pair challenge so find a partner."

"Noah," Cody said, "_We_ should pair up with _them. That _way, no matter who wins immunity, there won't be anyone who's totally hosed."

"That's actually… a really, really good idea, Cody," Noah responded. "Alright, go get Gwen. I'll go ask Izzy."

(In the confessional, Cody said, "Oh, yes! I've been complimented for my ideas before but… I got a compliment for my idea from _Noah. _Noah! Who is not only smarter than I am, but also ridiculously critical! I feel like I'm walking on air!")

"Hey, Gwen," Cody said, "We should pair up."

"Umm, well," Gwen said, surveying the group. "I guess you are the best choice here…"

"Thanks," Cody said, standing very close to Gwen.

"Maybe you shouldn't stand so close to me," Gwen said, pulling away.

"Hey, Izzy, will you…?" Noah began asking, but then Izzy walked away and found Owen.

"Hey, Owen will you be my partner?" Izzy asked, looking at him with puppy-dog eyes.

Owen smiled, picking her up, and saying, "Of course, Izzy!"

Noah looked on, saying under his breath, "…Never mind." He went and found Harold, and told him, "I guess you and I are partners…"

"Well, just don't get too much cynicism in my idealism," Harold said.

"And vice versa," Noah told him in return. He then turned to Cody and said, "Please, for the love of god, win."

"Win? Hey, why are you…?" he asked.

"I'll tell you later, Cody," Noah said, "We have to start the challenge."

"Okay," Chris said, "You all partnered up? Now it's time to start. In this chamber there are three checkpoints you must pass. Chef Hatchet is guarding the first two, and I will be guarding the third. The checkpoints will result in a Trivia or Dare. You have to answer some sort of trivia about this season or any season before, or you will have to do a dare that either Chef or I will give you."

"Don't worry," Harold said, "Noah, I know everything about this season and every season before."

"Sure you do," Noah said. "Quick! Tell me who got eliminated twelfth in season two!"

"Umm… me?" Harold asked.

"Wow, Harold, you are really bad at mental math, aren't you?" Noah asked.

"Okay, but what are the odds of the questions being like that?" Harold asked.

"Tempting fate again, I see," Noah said.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "Does he think it's okay to just flat out ignore my request like that? I mean, if I hear Noah say that I'm 'tempting fate' one more time, I'm going to tempt _his _fate! Okay, yeah, maybe that was a little harsh.")

"Hey, Gwen," Cody said, "Are you ready for Trivia or Dare?"

"Meh, I guess, Cody," Gwen said.

"Oh boy," Cody said, "I know that we'll…"

Cody and Gwen were stopped by Chef Hatchet, dressed like a Mountie.

"Nice outfit, _officer," _Cody commented, smiling. "Oh, no, are we in trouble?"

"Yes," Chef Hatchet answered, smiling back, and starting to laugh, "Well, you see, I have to arrest you for being a dork."

"Oh no!" Cody shouted, and then he put his hands on his face. "Isn't there anything I can do to get off the hook?"

"Yes," Chef Hatchet responded, "You can tell me what team you guys were on at Camp Wawanakwa in the form of a fight cheer or… you can dip yourself in this 'white goo'." He pointed to a kiddy pool that was full of some sort of nondescript white viscous liquid, which had a badly painted picket sign in it that read "White Goo".

"Hmm," Cody said, "What do you think, Gwen?"

"Well," she said, "I certainly think that the 'white goo' is questionable at best."

"Then I guess, we'll do the fight cheer. Give me a 'P'!"

"A P?" Gwen asked.

"You'll see!" Cody responded. "Give me an 'H' and an 'E'"

"An H and an E?" Gwen asked.

"Please trust me!" Cody shouted. "Now give me an R!"

"An R," Gwen responded, looking happier about where this was going.

"Not that far," Cody said, "Give me an S!"

"S!" Gwen shouted.

"Yes, yes, yes!" Cody responded. "Now what does that spell?" He looked to Chef Hatchet expectantly.

"Uh… Phers?" Chef Hatchet asked.

"Go-o-o-o-o-o Phers!" Cody said.

"Louder!" Gwen demanded.

"GOOOOOOOOOPHERS!" Cody shouted.

"Louder!" Gwen requested once more.

Cody screamed at the top of his lungs, "GOPHERS!"

"Well, well, well," Chef Hatchet said. "I'm just amazed. Go on ahead! You two deserve it! For being so entertaining."

"Alright," Cody said, and then he and Gwen gave a high five.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "Okay, so yeah, I know that was the corniest thing ever, but if I know Chef, he likes a good share of corn. That's why he makes it more often than peas and carrots!" He made a rim shot noise with his mouth, and then said, "Okay, fine, I'll stop.")

"Okay, so if my calculations are correct, we should be near Chef Hatchet," Izzy said.

"Really?" Owen asked. He looked around and noticed that the aforementioned staff was nowhere to be found. "Umm, are you sure we went the right way?"

"I don't know," Izzy said, "I really don't know." She turned around and said, "Oh, of course! They're over there." She saw Noah and Harold reaching the point. "Come on, we have to go over there."

"Don't worry," Owen said, "I'll get there for sure!"

"Hey, Corporal," Noah said, "Is there any chance we can get through this?"

"He's not a Corporal, Noah. He's a Constable," Harold said.

"No, I'm pretty sure he's a Corporal," Noah said.

"No, see, look, there's no rank en…" Harold said.

"It's right there, you're just not looking hard enough," Noah said, and then they got into a sissy slap fight.

"Look, I'm just a cook in a costume, and I'd be more than happy to role play with you two but only if you don't argue about what rank I am! _I _don't even know," Chef Hatchet said. He cleared his throat and said, "Young man, it has come to my attention that you are too smart for society, so I'm going to put you into solitary confinement unless you and your companion can either tell me who came in tenth place on the world tour or you can taste this 'white goo.'"

"No problem," Noah said, "In fact, I'll do both. It was Tyler. Now, where's that 'white goo' as you called it?" He put his finger in it and tasted it. "Just as I suspected; mayonnaise."

"That was… umm… strange," Harold said. "Why did you do both?"

"To delay," Noah said. "I don't want us to win, or else Cody will get voted off for sure."

"Well, actually, you two," Chef Hatchet said, "Because you technically did both a Trivia and a Dare, you can move on to the final checkpoint."

"What?" Noah asked. "Well, I guess I shouldn't be _so _surprised. It was against what I wanted to happen so of _course _it happened."

"Relax, Noah, we can still lose to Cody!" Harold shouted. "In fact, I think he's already ahead of us."

"What have I _told _you about irony, Harold?" Noah asked.

"It likes to follow people who think they're psychic?" Harold asked.

"Exactly, so shut up," Noah said.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "That Noah's a real _grapefruit. _He's bitter and sour and not sweet at all! But at least he's honest, so I guess that's something.")

"Okay," Chef Hatchet said, when he saw Cody and Gwen, "I have some bad news. Noah and Harold have usurped the lead. So because I like you two so much, I'm going to ask this question quickly. I assume you don't want to touch the 'black goo.'"

"You guys really put a lot of creative effort into these dares, didn't you?" Gwen asked.

"Well, they were Chris's ideas, not mine!" Chef Hatchet responded, "Mine would be _way _better. Anyway, as of this season, who has been in the top ten _four _times?"

"Owen," Gwen and Cody both answered in unison.

"Well, yeah," Chef Hatchet said, "What is it about that guy?"

"Who knows?" Gwen asked, shrugging. "He's just never on the tip of our tongues, I guess."

(In the confessional, Cody said, "It wasn't until that moment that I realized… the answer isn't Duncan! Which is _good, _because he stole the victory from Beth… but I guess that Owen stole it from Gwen too, so… why is it always _those _people who get the most playtime?")

"Hmm, Izzy?" Owen said, "Do you think we're nearby?"

"Oh, absolutely," Izzy responded. "There's Chef Hatchet. Wait a minute… no, that's not Chef Hatchet! It looks like Chef Hatchet but it's actually a _policeman! _Hide me!"

"I thought that you and the police were on good terms again," Owen said.

"I thought so too," Izzy said, "But I guess I was wrong. Why else would he be here?"

"Good question," Owen responded. Izzy and Owen hid behind the wall. "Maybe we should get out of here."

"Agreed," Izzy said, as she slunk backwards, and she and Owen both ran.

Meanwhile, Chef Hatchet was standing waiting for Izzy and Owen to show up. He called, "Hey, Chris! Chris! Get over here!"

"Ugh, _what?" _Chris whined, "I was just getting into my whole final checkpoint groove, man."

"Uh, there _are _six contestants left, right?" Chef Hatchet asked.

"Yeah, of course," Chris said. "Why?"

"It's been a pretty long time and I've only seen four of them," Chef Hatchet said, shrugging.

"Well, maybe they got lost," Chris said, "After all, this is a pretty massive fortress."

"Of course it is," Chef Hatchet said.

"What's _that _supposed to mean?" Chris asked.

"Oh, nothing," Chef Hatchet denied.

"Anyway, I have to get back to my location," Chris said, as he pointed to the final checkpoint.

"Good luck," Chef Hatchet said, saluting Chris and then standing and waiting for the duo to arrive.

Cody and Gwen showed up at the third checkpoint. "Alright," Cody said, "We're ready for anything! Give us the last set, Chris!"

"Alright, so you can either tell me the _exact _average rank of LeShawna in decimal form, or you can climb this tower using only your hands," Chris said. He gestured to a tower that was about twice as tall as Gwen.

"Hmm…" Cody said, turning to Gwen. "What do you think?"

"I think," Gwen said, "Hmm, well, I think that we should try the tower. It seems more doable."

"Are you sure? Because with a little bit of time, I could easily figure out…" Cody began.

"No," Gwen said, "I'll just climb this tower and be done with it."

"Just be careful," Cody said, as Gwen began to climb the tower. He turned to Chris and asked, "Decimal form, hmm… funny that. Because, just out of curiosity, Chris, wouldn't LeShawna's average rank happen to be _a whole number?_"

"A whole number?" Chris asked. "Pft, no, why would it be a…?"

"Chris," Cody asked, "Do you even _know _what LeShawna's average rank is?"

"Of course I…" Chris began.

"It's ten, Chris. Ten. No decimals at all," Cody responded.

"Wait, ten… that can't be right, can it?" Chris asked.

"It's ten. You can check if you don't believe me," Cody said smugly.

"Well, I don't think I want to give you credit for claiming to call my bluff, so… I guess we'll just have to wait for Gwen to climb the tower the rest of the way," Chris said.

Gwen climbed the tower, and once she reached the top she asked, "Is that good enough for you? Or do I need to put _that _in decimal form too?"

"Congratulations, Gwen!" Chris shouted excitedly. Then, in a much less excited tone he added, "And Cody."

(In the confessional, Cody said, "I mean, once I remembered when she got voted off—I realized that there were two sets of counterparts, which very easily showed the average. Now as for why I remembered that in the first place, well… let's just say that Harold won't be quiet about it.")

"Okay," Chris said, handing the key to Gwen and Cody. "You two won, which means you are safe."

Harold and Noah showed up immediately afterwards. "And you two are facing elimination."

"Yes!" Noah cheered, and then he said, "Alright, irony, we're best pals, right now!"

"Umm, what?" Chris asked flatly.

"It makes sense in context, I assure you," Harold told Chris.

"And so are Izzy and Owen, wherever they are…" Chris said. He walked over to Chef Hatchet and asked, "Have you seen them yet?"

"No," Chef Hatchet said, "I don't know where they are." Izzy and Owen were still hiding.

"Do you think it's safe to come out now?" Owen asked Izzy.

"I… don't know," Izzy responded.

"Oh, look, Noah's coming over here," Owen said. "Oh, boy!"

Noah approached Izzy and Owen, and when he got there, Izzy said, "Hi, Noah!"

"Save the chit-chat for later, scatterbrain. Right now we need to go to the elimination ceremony," Noah said.

"Oh, yeah," Izzy said, "The challenge… did you win?"

"Thankfully not. So if you guys were planning to get Cody out, you can't do it," Noah said.

"Oh, don't worry, we weren't going to vote for Cody anyway," Owen said, "Well maybe I wanted to _a little _but I got over it."

"Whatever, guys," Noah said, "Come on."

Owen and Izzy followed Noah. Then, they met up with the others. Izzy and Owen went over to find Gwen.

"We all know who we're voting for, right guys?" Gwen asked. "Right?"

"Yeah, we do," Owen said, pointing in the direction of Noah and Harold talking, "That guy."

"Good," Gwen said, and then she left them alone.

"I'm glad that Gwen finally understood that we weren't going to vote off Noah," Owen said to Izzy.

Noah said, "Harold, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"That today's challenge was insufferable?" Harold asked.

"Exactly," Noah responded, "And you know whose fault that was? Izzy."

"True," Harold said, "I was going to vote for her anyway."

"But I'm just wondering, would I be a terrible person to vote off one of my friends just because she didn't listen to me when I asked her to join up with me and left me stuck with someone I have virtually no chemistry with during a challenge where we had a plan that epically backfired, because she didn't listen to me?" Noah asked.

"Noah," Harold said, "Don't let me define your morals. If you think it would be wrong, then don't do it. Vote for me instead, if you must."

"No," Noah said, "I won't vote for you just because you and I have our differences. We have a lot in common too. If I have to word my question that bitterly, I already know the answer is 'only in the eyes of society'."

"Okay," Harold said.

The votes were cast, and they met in the elimination chamber. "Alright," Chris said, "Cody and Gwen, you two are safe. Three of you are also safe today. Owen, you're one of the three. Noah, you too."

Owen said, "Alright!"

"And the last bag of pyrite goes to…" Chris began.

"I hope it's me! I hope it's me!" Harold said, with his fingers crossed.

"Come on Noah, don't let me down," Izzy said, moving her fists up and down.

"…Harold," Chris finished, handing the bag to him.

"Awesome!" Harold shouted.

"What?" Izzy asked, "Noah, you betrayed me!"

"You ruined our plan, Izzy! And you left me stuck with _Harold!"_ Noah shouted.

"And to think I voted for Harold so that you could stay in the game," Izzy said, "Why I am just _shocked. _Some friend _you _are._"_

"Izzy," Noah began, "I'm really sorry..."

Izzy said, sticking her tongue out, "Psych! It's totally okay, Noah! I don't even care. Psh, you should have seen the look on your face! You were all, 'Oh no, Izzy hates me.'"

"Yeah," Noah said, "That's the most hilarious thing ever…"

"Izzy," Owen said, "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you guys too," Izzy said. She allowed the Trap of Shame to open under her. Then when she hit the bottom, she shouted up, "Hey cool! Did you know it smells like soap down here?"

"So, how's that resignation speech coming along?" Noah asked.

"Any day now," Owen said.

"Well, it looks like Gwen's little alliance is starting to fall apart already. Not a good sign. What will become of her now that Izzy is gone? Will Noah, Harold, and Cody's nerdiness rub off on her? What about Owen? Find out, next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris finished.


	22. The Telltale Hurt

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to pass through three checkpoints, using only their knowledge of the time on the show and their willingness to do anything. They were put into pairs. Some people got to be with their first choice, and others… well… didn't. Gwen and Cody won immunity for the challenge, but some people were pretty ticked off at Izzy, which is why she had to fall down the Trap of Shame. Only five contestants remain, and let's see what's left to happen, here on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

"You open it, Gwen," Cody said, handing Gwen the key.

"Uh…" Gwen said, "I don't know. I mean, you're the one who figured out how to get through the first checkpoint. And you _were _able to call Chris's bluff."

"True," Cody said, "But it was your tower climbing that got us the win."

"Okay, could you two lovebirds please move it along?" Noah asked. "We're getting a little antsy back here."

Cody smiled when Noah said that line. Gwen did not; she blushed and frowned.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "Cody and I are not lovebirds. He's not even my type. I don't know if he's anyone's type. Anyone sane at least…")

"Alright, hold your horses, Noah," Cody said, unlocking the door. He and Gwen walked in, followed by Noah, Harold, and Owen.

"Good afternoon, explorers!" Chris shouted when they walked in. "Welcome to your next challenge!"

"Oh boy!" Owen shouted, "I hope this one is as fun as the ones we've had before."

"I don't doubt it, Owen," Noah said. "I don't doubt it."

"Today, the key is hidden under the floorboards!" Chris shouted.

"Oh, boy," Harold said, "That sounds awesome. Are we going to be able to search with a metal detector?"

Chris laughed and then asked, "Why would I let you use a metal detector? That would ruin the _fun."_

"Somehow, I sincerely doubt that," Harold said, "Metal detectors are awesome, you know? They're just like…"

Chris turned to Chef Hatchet, and nodded. Chef Hatchet picked up Harold as he continued to ramble about metal detectors, and placed him in a giant playpen. "Hey, what gives?" Harold asked, as he noticed his situation.

"Oh, yeah," Chris said, "Harold. You're out."

"How can I be out already? The challenge hasn't even started yet!" Harold asked.

"Well, you can come out of the box if you promise to behave. And by 'behave', I mean, 'don't gush about metal detectors,'" Chris said.

"But…but," Harold pleaded. He noticed Chris's impatient expression, sighed, and said, "Fine."

(In the confessional, Harold said, "Metal detectors don't get enough love. They're certainly in the top two kinds of detectors around, along with smoke detectors. _Lie detectors _work about as well as trying to solve a calculus problem by eating toffee.")

"Okay, so like I said, the key is under the floorboards, and there are a number of floorboards where _something _is hidden. But not all of them are keys. Would you like to try it, Cody?" Chris offered.

"Well, yeah, sure," Cody said.

"Stand on this floorboard," Chris ordered. Cody did so, and a small explosion occurred beneath his feet.

"Yikes!" he shouted, as he fell over backwards. Luckily, Noah caught him.

Chris said, "If at any time during the game, you run into one of those, you will be put in the box. Is that clear?"

"Absolutely," Noah said. "We have no chance."

"To survive make our time?" Harold asked.

"Just… just no," Noah said, as he walked away from Harold.

Harold crossed his arms and said, "Gosh, Noah! I bet if _Cody _said that you wouldn't be mad!"

Noah blinked at Harold, let out a sigh, and picked up his pace.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "Well, he _wouldn't!"_)

Owen was looking under each floorboard starting from the one right next to the board Cody used to test. He wasn't finding anything at all underneath any of them. He pouted.

"What's wrong, big guy?" Noah asked. "Do you need some help?"

"I haven't found anything," Owen said.

"You're checking the floorboards too algorithmically," Noah said. Owen blinked. "You're checking all the floorboards in a linear pattern without accounting for the very large possibility of a separation." Owen blinked again. "The special floorboards are scattered." Owen blinked a third time. "The key is probably not near Cody's test board."

"Oh, of course!" Owen shouted, "Why didn't you say so?"

"I did," Noah answered.

"Yeah, but not in English," Owen said.

"I must say, Owen, you're certainly… well, you're a nice person," Noah responded, smiling.

(In the confessional, Owen said, "Noah said I'm a nice person. Isn't that sweet? In fact, I'm almost sad to leave him here. But, I mean, come on, Noah and I have nothing in common. He'd be happier to spend time with these other people who have struggled a lot more than I have… hey, that's good!" He took out a pen and some paper and began writing.)

"Hey, Cody," Gwen asked, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling fine, Gwen, thank you for asking," Cody said. He had a dorky smile plastered on his face.

Gwen saw this and said, "Cody, listen; you and I are just friends. You understand that, don't you?"

"I guess," Cody said, sighing. "But it's just not fair."

"It's perfectly fair, Cody," Gwen said, "Just like it's fair for you not to want to go out with Sierra."

"That's… that's different," Cody defended. "She's _creepy. _I'm not creepy."

"Well, you have your moments," Gwen said.

"I… I have my moments?" Cody asked. "Well, I'm sorry. I'll try to stop. Tell me when I'm being creepy, and I won't do it anymore."

"Well, Cody, frankly, I think it's a little creepy when you hit on me," Gwen said. "But there are other times when you're adorable."

Cody got a ridiculously huge grin, and asked, "You think I'm adorable sometimes?"

"Yeah," Gwen said, wincing, "But see, right _now, _you're being creepy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Cody said, "By the way, don't touch that board." He pointed to one right behind her feet. "I'm ninety percent sure there's a mine under there."

"Okay, Cody," Gwen said. "I trust you."

(In the confessional, Cody asked, "Did you see that? Did any of you _see that? _Gwen said I was _sometimes adorable!" _He slumped back and looked entirely too happy.)

A flying plank hit Harold in the head. "Ow," he said. A second plank hit him, and he asked, "What the…?" Finally, he was hit by a third plank, he turned around, and he asked, "Okay, who keeps throwing these?" He turned to see Owen lifting floorboards from all parts of the room and tossing them over the back of his head without bothering to check if it was safe. Harold sighed and walked up to him.

"Hey, Owen," Harold said, "You shouldn't be searching so haphazardly." Owen blinked. "You shouldn't be searching so… recklessly?"

"Oh, yeah, but Noah told me not to search around Cody's test board," Owen said.

"He probably didn't mean… this," Harold said, pointing to the array of planks that had landed next to him. "He probably just meant that you should have searched in other areas."

"I _am _searching in other areas, Harold," Owen said.

(In the confessional, Harold asked, "Is it just me or does Owen _always _completely miss the point?")

"Hey, Noah," Gwen said, "You shouldn't be searching under that floorboard."

"Why not?" Noah asked.

"Cody said there was a ninety percent chance of it being a mine," Gwen said.

"Oh, did he now?" Noah asked, "I'd like to hear what formula he used to reach such an outlier of a conclusion."

"Well, I mean, don't you think that it's safer just to not try it?" Gwen asked.

"Of course," Noah responded. "But of course, now I'm wary that if Cody made a calculation error, there's always the possibility he meant any of these surrounding floorboards, except for the one that you're standing on, unless you magically obtained mine immunity when I was sleeping."

"Don't worry," Gwen said, "If I obtained mine immunity, I see no reason why it wouldn't affect you too."

"Maybe it only affects girls?" Noah asked, "I have another theory but I have a feeling it would get me slapped if I said it out loud."

"Really subtle dig at my intelligence, Noah," Gwen said, narrowing her eyes.

"Well, considering how well you just correctly inferred my point, I think that theory has been rendered moot; there is no middle ground after all." Noah responded.

"True," Gwen said, "Because your meaning was so hard to understand."

"Exactly," Noah answered. "No one knows what insult a tiny smart-aleck who just happens to have high intelligence would go for first."

"Noah?" Gwen asked.

"Yes, Gwen?" Noah asked.

"Let's stop being sarcastic and look for the key," Gwen said.

"Me? Stop being sarcastic? You have fun with that," Noah responded, and then began to look for the key, in a location significantly far from where Gwen was standing.

Gwen walked the opposite way, and ran into Harold. She noticed that he and Owen were searching together. "Harold," Gwen asked, "What's going on?"

"Nothing much," Harold responded, scanning the ground. "Owen needed some help looking for the key, so I've started. This would be so much easier with a metal detector!"

He looked under a floorboard, and a small explosion occurred in his face, blowing off his glasses, and causing them to fly behind him. "Ah! My glasses! I can't see without my glasses," he said, patting the floor repeatedly, causing two more small explosions to occur.

"Harold, you're out," Chris said, and then Chef Hatchet picked up Harold and put him in the playpen.

"DJ? Is that you? I thought you were already eliminated," Harold said. Through Harold's eyes, Chef Hatchet was blurred to such an extent that his face was completely unrecognizable.

"I ain't DJ!" Chef Hatchet shouted. "I'm Chef!"

"Oh, okay," Harold said.

"Someone get Harold's glasses back, already," Chef Hatchet shouted.

"Oh, okay," Owen said as he started walking backwards.

"Owen, be careful!" Noah shouted, and then he ran over to the glasses, and narrowly managed to pick them up before Owen stepped on them. "Yes, got them."

He walked over to the playpen, and handed the glasses to Harold. Harold put the glasses back on and said, "Thank you, Noah."

"Psh, don't mention it," Noah said, walking away.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "You can tell a man's nature from the way he responds to being thanked. Someone who wants the attention will say 'you're welcome'. Someone who doesn't will say 'don't mention it' or 'it was nothing.' I bet Cody says 'you're welcome.' This is only a hypothesis.")

"Hey, Cody?" Noah asked, "Gwen told me earlier that there was a board you thought she should avoid. Mind if I ask how you got to that conclusion?"

"Oh, well," Cody said, "Did you notice that most of the special floorboards were slightly raised?"

"No, no, I didn't," Noah responded. "That's interesting. That means that there's a chance of it being the key too."

"Well, yeah," Cody said, looking at Noah, "But I think that in all probability…"

"You've made my search a whole lot easier," Noah said, "Thank you, Cody."

"You're welcome, Noah," Cody responded. "But…"

"But what?" Noah asked. "I'm not going to win immunity unless I take a risk."

"Just… just be careful," Cody said.

"Relax," Noah said, "Those mines are so impotent they won't hurt unless I'm really dumb about my aim."

Noah began to search on the floorboards that were raised, and ran into a mine immediately. The blast sent his entire body flying right into Gwen, knocking her down. They were then positioned with Noah on top of Gwen, facing each other. Gwen looked bewildered. Noah stood up immediately, brushed off his thighs, and said, "Sorry about that, Gwen." He walked away, leaving Gwen still looking bewildered.

He walked up to Chef Hatchet and said, "Would you mind depositing me in 'the box'? The walls are too high for me to get in myself."

"Yeah, sure," Chef Hatchet responded, picking Noah up, and dropping him in.

"Hi, Noah," Harold said, "What's up?"

"Well, I just lost my chance of winning, and proved that the term featherweight is more apt than it should be," Noah responded.

"Go Cody!" Harold shouted. "Cody! Cody! Cody!"

Cody heard the cheering and decided to continue looking. "Owen," Cody said, "Do you know where the key is?"

"Nope," Owen said cheerily.

"Well, would you like to try Noah's method?" Cody asked. "It didn't work too well for him, but…"

"It's okay," Owen said, "I think I'm really onto something this time." He pointed to a normal, non-raised floorboard. "It's under there!"

"I really don't think so," Cody responded.

"Oh, yeah?" Owen asked, "Then where do you think it is?"

"I think it's under this floorboard," Cody said, lifting it. He was disproven when he found a mine. This mine did not explode. Cody picked it up and said, "Chris, I found a dud!"

"A dud?" Chris asked, looking angrily at Cody, "That's not good. Gimme."

Cody threw the mine out of the room, panicking. Chris said, "Oh, man! You're no fun. Whatever. Chef, take him away."

Chef Hatchet picked up Cody and dropped him in the playpen. "Wow, we Sesquipedalian alums really suck at this challenge, don't we?" Cody asked.

"Absolutely," Noah responded, "We were probably over-thinking it. Look at Gwen still surviving, and Owen… well, I mean, he's a special case."

"This challenge would have been so much easier with a metal detect…" Harold began.

"Shut up about the metal detector!" Cody and Noah shouted in unison.

"Gosh," Harold said, "I'm just trying to make a point."

"Yeah, a point that everyone got at the _beginning of the episode," _Noah responded.

"Hey, they could always edit that out later," Harold said, shrugging.

(In the confessional, Harold asked, "You guys aren't going to edit it out, are you? You're going to leave it in to make a fool out of me, right?" He slapped himself. "Why did I just give you that idea?")

"Well, Owen," Gwen said, "I guess this fight is just between you and me."

"It's not a _fight, _Gwen," Owen responded, "It's a _game. _And games are supposed to be fun."

"I guess," Gwen said, looking around. "Hey, Owen. Do you want to go see if that board is safe?"

"Okay," Owen responded, lifting a floorboard. He said, "Yeah, there's nothing under here. Don't worry."

"I'll check this one; you check that one," Gwen said, and then they both found an empty one.

"Okay, now you check that one," Owen said, "I'll check this one."

"Sounds fair," Gwen said, looking under the floorboard and finding nothing. "Did you find anything under yours, Owen?"

"Oh, no, nothing at all except for a key," Owen said, making a calm, smiling face that is often associated with not getting something, and not knowing there is anything to get.

"A key?" Gwen asked, "A key? You mean you won?"

"I… I did?" Owen asked, looking very surprised. "I won? Oh, yeah! A key means I won!" he shouted, and then he started dancing. "Go Owen! Go Owen!" He accidentally knocked Gwen over. "Oh, sorry, Gwen," he said.

"It's alright," Gwen responded, getting up, and brushing off her arm.

"Congratulations, Owen!" Chris shouted, "And because you won, there is a special surprise for you!"

"A… a special surprise?" Owen asked, "Is it a foot-long cheese dog?"

"No," Chris answered.

"Is it a popsicle?" Owen asked.

"No," Chris answered.

"Is it a chocolate and nut covered frozen banana?" Owen asked.

Chris was getting very impatient. He responded, "No! No! It's much better than any of those things. And it's not _any _kind of food!"

"Aw, man!" Owen said disappointedly. "Oh, well, I'm sure whatever it is, it's awesome."

"It's this… huge mountain bike!" Chris shouted. Chef Hatchet brought out the mountain bike.

Owen looked at it and said, "Oh, that's okay. I don't need it. Noah can have it."

"Umm," Noah said, "What would _I _want with a mountain bike that could dwarf my eldest brother? I don't lead an active lifestyle, it would engulf me, if I fell off of it on a _plain _I would get hurt, let alone a mountain… maybe Cody wants it."

"Oh, stop teasing, Noah," Cody said, playfully swatting at him, "You and I both know that all of those things that apply to you apply to me as well! No, but Gwen might want it."

"Well," Gwen said, "I've gotta say that if I went into town riding on that thing, I'd get a lot of street cred. But it's still huge! Harold…"

"Well…" Harold said, "If I rode into town on that thing, everyone would say, 'that guy is freaking awesome!' And then I could give raspberries to Duncan, and everyone would support me… okay, I will accept!"

"What?" Chris asked. "Seriously? This guy _lost. _Why does he get the bike?"

"Well, Chris, tell me logically. Isn't it fair that the loser ends up with the junk that no one wants?" Noah asked.

"I guess I can't argue with that," Chris said. Harold rode on the bike inside the fortress. "Hey! Hey! Hey! No riding bikes inside the fortress!" Chris complained.

"I'm sorry, Chris," Harold said, doing a wheelie. "But I just can't resist!"

"Will the other four remaining contestants regret their decision to give Harold the bike?" Chris began. Harold rode back and forth across the room, annoying Chris. "I'm already starting to regret the decision, and it wasn't even mine to make. Harold whistled and hummed annoying songs as he continued riding on by. "Also…" Chris said, but kept getting interrupted by the sound of Harold and the bike, "Also…" He looked upset. "Who will make it into the final four? Check next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" He pushed Harold over when he reached his breaking point.

"Ow!" Harold shouted, as he fell to the ground off-screen, "Gosh!"


	23. Please Shut Your Trap!

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to search for a key under the floor. But there might have been a _little _catch. And by a little catch, of course, I refer to the tiny mines I hid under certain floorboards. Noah, Cody, and Harold's strategy of over-thinking everything caused their plans to _blow up in their faces_. In the end, it was none other than the clueless Owen who became victorious, and won a lovely prize that he _didn't _want. Man, when did teenagers get so ungrateful? After today's game, the final four will be known! Are you ready? If so, stay tuned for Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

Owen opened the door, and allowed everyone else to follow him in. "I'm almost done with my resignation speech," Owen said, "How do you like this line, Noah? 'You guys are awesome. I suck.'"

"Wow, you really don't want to beat around the bush, do you, Owen?" Noah asked, "Owen, sweetie, if you want people to like your speech, don't say you suck. Use humility, not self-deprecation."

"Okay, so how about 'you guys are awesome. I'm not awesome?'" Owen asked.

"That's problematic for a different reason," Noah said. "But let's talk about that later."

"Okay," Owen said, putting his speech away.

(In the confessional, Owen said, "Yeah. I have no idea how I made it this far. The other four are all really smart and I… well, I'm not. Ooh! That's good; I'll add that!" Owen wrote on his speech.)

"Hello, explorers!" Chris shouted, "Welcome to today's challenge. Follow me." Chris beckoned the final five, and they followed him eastbound, until they ran into a long narrow corridor. There was a light at the other end. "Okay, you see that room?"

"How could we miss it? It's a freaking _supernova," _Harold commented, trying to shield his eyes from the light.

"Oh, don't be such a wuss just because we forgot to turn the lights in the corridor on," Chris said. "The key is in that room, by the way."

"That sounds like a really easy challenge," Cody said.

"Yeah, too easy…" Noah said suspiciously, "Chris, at the risk of being accused of reading the itineraries again, is there by any chance a retractable door on that room? That cannot be opened from the inside, perhaps?"

"You know, Noah," Chris said, "You acknowledged the risk, but that doesn't mean I won't still accuse you. _Stop reading the itineraries in advance!"_

"How _did _you know that?" Gwen asked, looking very confused. "I mean, usually I can sort of see where your point…"

"I play video games," Noah responded, "Lots of video games." Gwen appeared dissatisfied with that answer.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "Well, his explanation made perfect sense to me. You know in RPG dungeons and some platformers too, those retractable doors are quite common. And if they can't be opened from the inside, then," he laughed, "You have no chance!")

"Alright, explorers, Noah's right. This door is retractable, and it won't open from the inside. You have to run in and get the key, and you must all be on the correct side of the door in order for me to declare a winner. That means no getting trapped on the other end, _Owen," _Chris said.

"Oh, don't worry, Chris, I won't get trapped on the other end," Owen said.

Noah shouted, "No! Owen, don't tempt f…"

"Shut up about tempting fate, Noah!" Harold shouted, and then he slapped him.

"Okay, that was uncalled for," Cody said, stepping in. "He was just trying to warn Owen."

"Ow…" Noah whined.

"Oh, you're right," Harold said, "I don't know what came over me. I won't do it again."

"Are you ready, explorers?" Chris asked. "On your mark. Get set. Go!"

Harold and Gwen took the initial lead. Gwen managed to rush in front of Harold, and Harold followed her. He asked her, "Do you like Cody?"

Gwen stopped in her tracks and said, "No, I don't _like _Cody. I mean I _do _like him…as a _friend."_

"Thanks for the lead gap, Gwen!" Harold shouted, and then Gwen noticed that Harold had usurped her position.

"Oh, no you don't, Harold," Gwen said, "Your shoe is untied."

"It is?" Harold asked. He looked down, and noticed that his shoe was in fact untied. "Oh, thanks, Gwen," he said, bending down to tie it.

"Thank you, Harold!" Gwen said as she took the lead again.

While Harold was tying his shoe, Cody passed him, and Noah and Owen almost caught up to him. He got up. "Dang," he said, when he noticed Cody was ahead of him. "Hey, Cody!" he shouted, "Wait up!"

"I'd rather win," Cody said, trying to catch up to Gwen.

"We'd all rather win," Harold shouted, and then he tried to run past Cody. Unfortunately, he tripped, allowing the shorter male to retain his lead.

"Oh, no," Owen said, "We'll never win!"

"I never expected to," Noah answered him.

"Oh… oh, no, Noah, you don't have to give up hope like that," Owen proclaimed.

"Uh, yeah, what part of 'never' don't you understand?" Noah asked.

"Hmm," Owen said, "Well, I don't understand why putting an N at the front of something makes it not exist."

"That was a rhetorical question, Owen," Noah said.

"I also don't know what 'rhetorical' means…" Owen admitted.

"Okay, smart one," Noah responded.

(In the confessional, Owen asked, "What _does '_rhetorical' mean, anyway?")

Gwen had made it to the other end of the hall, and she had almost made it under the doorway. Cody shouted out her name.

"You can't distract me, Cody," Gwen said, "The key is mine."

"But…" Cody began. "But the door…"

Gwen ran into the room and she celebrated when she found the key. She raised her arms and grinned, very happy to succeed, until a loud slam was heard. She opened her eyes wide. She turned around and noticed that the door was stuck closed. "Oh, no," Gwen said, "Oh, no. I'm _trapped_!_ Help!" _She began pounding on the door.

On the other end, Cody looked positively terrified. "Okay, don't worry, Gwen! I'll get you out of there. As soon as I find out how to open the door." He spied a lever to the left side of the doorway. "Aha!" He said, and then he began to pull the lever but it was extremely hard. "Uhh, Gwen?" Cody shouted into the room, "I think your pounding on the door might be stopping it from opening."

"Oh, okay," Gwen called back, "I'll stop pounding on the door." She did. Cody could hear that ugly sound subsiding and he smiled.

"Okay, I think this is going to work," he said, as he successfully lifted the door. "Okay, Gwen! You're free. Hurry, there's not much time!"

Gwen attempted to leave the room, but she was knocked down by Harold. "You can't beat me!" Harold shouted, as he ran into the room. Gwen got up, and Harold started to play tug-of-war with the key with her. The door came down again.

"Uh-oh," Harold said, "This cannot be good."

"Ack! Now we're _both _trapped. Nice going, Harold," Gwen said angrily.

"I'm sorry, Gwen," Harold said.

"I know, I know, a little bit harsh, right?" Gwen asked, "But we're _trapped! Cody, help!"_

"I'll… I'll try," Cody said, as he started to pull the lever again. He was visibly sweating as he did this, becoming totally winded after an opening that _might _have been small enough for Harold to crawl through if not for his head.

Owen and Noah caught up to Cody. Owen asked, "Where are Harold and Gwen?"

"They're trapped in the room," Cody said, "Would one of you guys like to try this lever? It's too heavy for me."

"Then I can tell you right now it's too heavy for _me," _Noah said quickly. He looked to Owen, and said, "But this guy's pretty strong."

"Okay," Owen said, and then he pulled the lever hard. So hard, in fact, that it came completely unattached from the wall. "Ah-oh."

"Uh-oh is right!" Noah shouted, "_Now _what do we do?"

"Well, umm," Owen asked, "Is the door made of cheese?"

"Absolutely, Owen," Noah responded, "The door is made of cheese. Geologically hard, odorless cheese. And did I mention that I'm the Emperor of Japan?"

"You _are?" _Owen asked.

"_No!" _Noah responded.

"Honestly, Noah, you never give me a straight answer to anything," Owen said, shrugging.

"Okay, Cody," Noah said, "Do you have an idea?"

"Not at the ready," Cody said, "Sorry. What about you, fountainhead?"

"If I had an idea would I be acting this bitter and annoyed? No, of course not!" Noah responded.

"Hmm, well," Cody said, and then he shouted to inside the room, "We'll think of something, Gwen!"

"Hurry!" Gwen shouted back.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "I must say, if there's anything worse than being trapped alone, it's being trapped alone with Harold. He gets very… _eccentric."_)

"So, Gwen," Harold said, "How do you feel?"

"I feel okay," Gwen said, "I mean considering how terrified I am."

"Have you ever considered the implications of us being fictional?" Harold asked. Gwen slid away from him. "I mean, think about it. It sure would explain some things like…"

"Harold," Gwen said, covering up his mouth, "I'm scared enough as it is without you giving me any kind of new things to worry about."

"Okay," Harold said, "I'll be good." They sat in awkward silence for the next two minutes. Then Harold said, "But wouldn't it be even weirder if we were cartoons?"

"Harold," Gwen said, "Please. Please stop."

"Come to think of it, that would…" Harold began.

Gwen glared at him and shouted, "I said _stop!"_

Meanwhile, on the other side of the door, Noah, Cody, and Owen still could not come up with a solution. Chris ran into them holding a cup of coffee, and asked, "Why are you guys all loitering here instead of getting the key?"

"Owen broke the lever off," Cody said, "And now we don't know how to get Gwen and Harold out. I hope they're okay in there…" He looked at the door worriedly.

"Can you help us, Chris?" Owen asked.

"Yes," Chris responded, and then he took a sip of his coffee.

"Will you?" Owen asked gleefully.

"No," Chris responded. "You guys are going to have to figure it out your…"

"Hey, Chris!" Noah shouted, "Look, it's Alanis Morissette!"

"What? Where?" Chris asked, doing a double-take. Noah reached into Chris' pocket and grabbed a remote control. He hid it behind his back. Chris turned around, narrowed his eyes at Noah and said, "Hey, wait a minute… she isn't supposed to tour here until October!"

"Oh, yeah, my mistake," Noah said. He casually pulled out the remote and pressed the button so that the door would open.

"Hey!" Chris shouted, "Who said you could have that?" He and Noah fought over it, until eventually Chris decided to throw Noah into the room.

The door started to close. Owen shouted, "I'm coming for you buddy!" and rolled in after him.

"Owen!" Noah shouted, "Why did you come in here voluntarily?"

"Because I was going after you," Owen explained.

"Nice going genius! Now we're _all _trapped in here except _Cody!" _Noah said.

"Don't worry!" Cody shouted, "I'll get you out!"

"Good luck with that," Chris said, laughing.

"Hey is that who I think it is?" Cody asked, looking outward.

Chris looked in that direction and said, "I don't see anything, Cody."

"Thank you," Cody said, taking the remote back from Chris.

"Oh, no you didn't!" Chris shouted, taking the remote back again, removing the batteries, and then handing the husk to Cody, whistling, and walking away.

"Wait, Chris!" Cody shouted, "You can't seriously be willing to just let them get trapped forever."

"Yeah I can," Chris said.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "I forgive a lot. In fact, many people say I forgive more than I should. But this is it, Chris. This is proof that you're a complete monster in my book.")

"…And I guess that what I really feared was opening up to people," Gwen said.

"We all have that fear," Harold responded, "It can be justified."

"It's _almost always _justified," Noah added, "The fear is not infallible, however. Every rule has its exception."

"But isn't it nice to have friends?" Owen asked. "I mean, I'm not afraid of opening up to people."

"That's just because you're too stupid to notice when they hate you… or when they suck… like Alejandro," Noah responded.

"Hey!" Owen said, playfully shoving Noah. "Well, you're so lazy that you wish the seven days of the week were Sleepday, Zoneday, Daydreamday, Readabookday, Loungeday, Napday, and Sitinthesunday."

"Nice comeback," Noah responded.

"Thanks," Owen said, "I used it as a writing exercise when working on my resignation speech."

"Speaking of which," Harold said, "How's that coming along?"

"It's almost finished," Owen said. He took out his paper and pen and started writing. "Goodbye to four of my greatest friends." He said. He held it up and shouted, "It's finished! It's finished!"

"I'm dying to hear it, Owen," Noah said, smirking.

"I think we all are," Harold responded.

"But not yet," Owen said, "When the time is right."

(In the confessional, Harold said, "If I know one thing about quitting dramatically, the best way to do it is right before you get saved. Or when another team loses. But at this point, that's moot.")

Cody looked at the battery compartment on the remote control, sighing remorsefully that it was empty. "If only there was someone who could come and help me…"

"Cody, pst, hey Cody," a quiet whispering voice said.

"Huh? Who said my name?" Cody asked.

Chef Hatchet appeared from behind the shadows. He held out his right hand extending his fingers to reveal two AA batteries. "Looking for these?"

"Yeah, thanks," Cody said, taking the batteries, "But why are you helping me?"

"Because!" Chef Hatchet shouted, spitting at Cody, and causing him to topple over backwards. "Honestly, do I need a reason for _everything?"_

"No, I guess not…" Cody responded. Then he put the batteries back into the remote control. He pressed the button and the door started to rise. "Guys!" he shouted, when he noticed no one was moving. "Guys, hello! The door's opening."

Gwen turned her head, grinned, and ran out of there as fast as possible shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!"

Harold, Owen, and Noah followed after. Cody joined the group and they all headed to find Chris. Gwen was holding the key, when she walked up to Chris and said, "Hey, Chris. Do I get my pyrite bag?"

"What?" Chris asked, "How did you four get out?"

"It's a secret," Cody said, stifling a laugh.

Chris sighed, and then he said, "Fine. Whatever. Gwen, you win immunity. Now the rest of you all face elimination."

"I'm not afraid," Harold said.

The votes were cast and they met in the elimination chamber. "Okay, so Gwen, here's your bag of pyrite. Now the rest of them go to Cody, Noah, and… O…"

"Noooooo!" Owen shouted melodramatically, causing both Gwen and Noah to give him a weird look. "Don't get rid of Harold. He's awesome. They… they all are. I know some of them have been cheated before. In fact, I would say that none of them got as far as they should have. _Ever!"_

"Uh, Owen, what about my smarta…" Noah began.

"Now me, on the other hand, I got a lot farther than I should have. Because, because they're all so smart and me… well, I'm not," Owen said. "They're a lot better at this game than I am. They also hate it more. More crap happens to them. They… they don't have any luck. None of them do. My only hope is to change this for just one of them. Maybe if all of them stay in the final four, for once we'll have a competition where people will have to root for them."

"This seriously took you two weeks to write, Owen?" Noah asked.

"Hey, cut me some slack! I'm not like you. I couldn't come up with this speech in four minutes like you could," Owen said, "Which is why I'm resigning. I've done as well as I could have. But you… you haven't. Cody, your chronicled bad luck…"

"Chronic," Harold corrected.

"…Right, your chronic bad luck is holding you down. Harold, this is the first time you've outranked Duncan for real; you deserve a chance to win. Gwen, I've heard about all the crap everyone else puts you through and I think it's really, really sad. And Noah, well, I mean, what can I say? You're the best tactful expert…"

"I really don't think that's the word you're looking for. I just have a sinking feeling you didn't mean to call me diplomatically polite," Noah said, smirking.

"Oh, yeah, sorry, I misread that," Owen said, "The best _tactical _expert the show has ever known. So, my point is: win! One of you guys should win! You _all _deserve to win more than I do! Goodbye to four of my greatest friends!" He blew a kiss at them. Noah smiled, Gwen sighed, Cody giggled, and Harold gave Owen a look.

"Okay," Chris said, giving Owen a weird look, and then said, "Well, I guess you really worked hard on that speech that just _gave up a million dollars. _Wow, Owen, you're _really freaking smart."_

"Hey," Noah said, "Cut him some slack. Charity isn't stupid unless it's to a bunch of jerks."

"Yeah, well, you know what Owen?" Chris asked.

"What?" Owen asked.

"You still have to fall down the Trap of Shame," Chris responded, sending Owen down.

"I love you all!" he shouted falling down. There was a loud thud when he hit the ground.

"Ooh, ouch," Chris said, "That's gonna leave a mark. Will Owen's departure make the game easier for the alleged deserving winners? Or will it turn them all against each other, trying to fight over who is the most deserving? Is Harold ever going to pick up that bike again?"

"Oh, yeah," Harold said, "My bike! I'll be right back." He ran to the other room.

"I _had_ to remind him," Chris moaned. "Well, now we know the final four. Next time we'll find out the final three, here on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	24. Can You Believe I Can Grade For This?

Author's Note: Really sorry about the delay; and the fact that this chapter is not very good. Hopefully the next two will be up faster and better (they will feature eliminated contestants and the four "true" contestants that weren't playing).

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to deal with a door going up and down that could not be opened from the inside. Most of our explorers ended up trapped in there, but Cody somehow managed to get them all out. I think _someone _was helping him. Anyway, Gwen won immunity, but in the end the votes didn't matter anyway, because Owen resigned with an epic speech. Now, the final four are known: but after today, there can only be _three! _Find out who, here on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

Gwen walked up to the door holding the key, and unlocked it. She was smiling.

"Gwen sure looks happy today," Cody commented.

"Of course she looks happy," Harold said, "She has a shot at winning again. But so do we!"

"I know!" Cody shouted, "Isn't that crazy?"

"Totally crazy!" Harold responded.

Gwen opened the door, only to have Chris scream, "Aaah! No, I'm not done yet! Five more minutes!" and slam the door in her face.

She turned to Noah and asked, "What the crap?"

"Don't ask me," Noah responded, looking to Cody.

"Well you can't expect _me _to know," Cody added, turning to Harold.

"It would appear that Chris is still coming up with the final plans," Harold said. "We'll wait for him. It could mean the difference between a death trap and a safe challenge."

"More like the difference between a safe challenge and a death trap," Gwen said, opening the door again.

"No!" Chris shouted. "Please! Please!"

"I'm sorry," Chef Hatchet said, "But TIME'S UP!" He was dressed in a women's suit, and wore large librarian-style glasses. He held a pointing rod in his hand. He took a set of papers from Chris, who whined. Chris was sitting in a chair attached to a desk.

"Uh, what's going on?" Cody asked.

"Ah, yes, my TAs have arrived!" Chef Hatchet shouted.

"TAs? We're TAs?" Gwen asked. "Wait… what?"

"Oh, well, you see, after Owen delivered that great speech, it got me to thinking—I should write a great speech too! So here I wrote this paper. And you guys are going to grade it. For some reason, Chef insisted that he should be in charge of judging this challenge," Chris said, "Anyway, the person who makes him laugh the most loses."

"Okay," Gwen said, "This should be easy enough."

"Chef, go make copies of the paper," Chris said.

"Why do I have to do it?" Chef Hatchet asked, "You're the one who wrote it. You make your own copies!"

"If you make the copies for me, I'll buy you a latte," Chris said.

"Well, okay, then," Chef Hatchet responded, and then went to make some copies.

Chris said, "I think you all will be very jealous of my work."

"Undoubtedly your writing will be shocking; breathtaking even… with just how... unique it is," Noah said.

"Thank you," Chris said. "I know!"

Chef Hatchet came back and handed the copies to Gwen, Harold, Cody, and Noah. He then passed out a red pen to each of them. "Now, remember," he said, "The objective is to make me laugh the least, not the most."

"Understood," Cody said.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "I guess that means no witty Codyisms. It'll be hard to restrain myself, but… I think I can manage.")

"Wow, this grammar is absolutely atrocious," Noah said. "Missed periods, missed capitalization, 'I, Chris McLean, am the ruler of world?'"

"You think _that's _bad," Harold said, "Wait until you get to the page about how he fought the giant spider from 'Vinnus'."

"Guys," Cody said, "Please, there aren't actually that many typos aside from the ones you're listing. But seriously, how does he justify the logic for why he's amazing on page two?"

"I don't know," Gwen said, "I think that maybe he's trying to use the ostrich as some sort of metaphor for himself."

"If that's a metaphor, then where is he drawing the comparison from?" Noah asked. "Also, what is he even trying to argue on page six?"

"Why is page eight just a blank piece of paper, page nine just the words 'PAGE NINE' in giant letters, and page ten the phrase 'Chris McLean is the coolest hottest guy in the world' twenty-three times?" Harold asked.

"Coolest hottest guy?" Cody asked, "Isn't that an oxymoron?"

"Don't write anything deliberately funny," Noah responded, "We don't want to lose this after all."

"No, but seriously, what's that about?" Harold asked.

"Padding?" Gwen responded, "No, but what was the prompt for this anyway?"

"If I had to wager a guess, the prompt would be 'write a ten page essay detailing why you're the most awesome person ever.' That should have been a cakewalk for Chris… but he even managed to screw that up," Noah said. "Oh! This is written so badly on purpose. He knows us too well. He wants us to grade this in a way that won't make Chef Hatchet laugh, but he knows that we will immediately grab the terrible writing and bash it," Noah said. "Of course, maybe it's better that way." He took his red pen in hand and started scrawling all over the paper.

"Uh, wow," Cody said, looking at him in disbelief, "You're sure not skimping on the red."

"Darn it," Noah said, "I'm out of ink. I need to go get a new pen."

He started to walk out of the room. Chef Hatchet asked, "Where are you going?"

"I need to get a new pen," Noah responded, "Do you have one on you?"

Chef Hatchet chuckled. "I thought something like this might happen," he said, "So I brought a ton of extra pens."

"Thank you," Noah said flatly, taking the pen from Chef Hatchet, and wandering back to his position. As Noah left, Chef Hatchet started to laugh.

"Okay, Cody," Harold asked, "What are we supposed to do with pages eight through ten?"

"Well…" Gwen said, "I suggest writing a large red x on all of them."

"That's so boring," Cody said, "Let's put on a comment that says his page number is too big."

"Cody, we're supposed to _not _make Chef Hatchet laugh, remember?" Harold asked, "I think that that would _definitely _make Chef Hatchet laugh."

"Oh, you're right, Harold," Cody said, "I guess Gwen's idea is good. I'll roll with it."

"Alright, let's grade this abomination," Noah said. "Let's see." He started to draw a box on the paper, and although it was not shown to the camera, it was obvious from his hand's motions that that was what he was doing.

"What…?" Harold asked.

"I'm designing a rubric for this thing," Noah said. "Let's see: number one, form. Did it achieve the standard length? Number two, content. Is it on topic? Number three, organization. Does it make sense? Number four, strength of argument. Is it logical? Number five, conventions. Does it have good grammar?"

"Can I borrow your rubric?" Harold asked.

"It's pretty standard fare," Noah said, shrugging, "But sure. It would certainly make our grading more valid if we all used the same rubric."

"Okay," Harold said. "Do you mind if we all copy it off of yours?"

"Help yourself," Noah said, handing his copy of the paper to Harold. He, Cody, and Gwen then copied off of it.

Chef Hatchet wandered into the room and asked, "Why are you guys all drawing pictures instead of grading the paper?"

"Patience, Chef," Cody said, "We _are _grading the paper."

"Okay, well could you hurry up about it?" Chef Hatchet asked, "I've been dying for some comedy."

"You might be disappointed," Gwen said, "We _are _trying, after all."

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "This is the first time I've ever gotten this far without anyone who was either an idiot or a liar. I gotta say it's kinda nice. I mean so what if they all speak in geek-speak with each other? They still care about me. I'm really sorry about what I said a few episodes ago. It's clear they have no agenda to get rid of me.")

"Okay, let's see," Noah said, "I'll give him a fourteen in form, a sixteen in content, a ten in organization, a three in strength of argument, and a five in conventions. The total is: not good enough."

"You're flunking him?" Cody asked, "But if you flunk Chris, then won't Chef Hatchet laugh extremely hard? And then you'd go home."

"Cody, tell me honestly, is there _anyone here _you want to see go home?" Noah asked.

"No sir," Cody said, pressing his fingers together. "But maybe I should give him at least a D."

"Whatev," Noah said, "It's your funeral."

"I agree with Cody," Harold said, "Except for the fact that I… I… just can't bear to give it anything other than a failing grade! I mean, gosh! Look, Noah's grade might have been a _little _hard on his grammar and organization, but he was _way _too nice about the content and the strength of argument! I mean, look at this: 'I, Chris McLean, am awesome and here is some proof. I'm hot.' He deserved a zero in argument, not a three!"

"A zero? So you think he didn't even make _any _argument at all? I mean, you could stand to give him a one," Noah said, shrugging.

"Well, well, well," Harold said, "It looks like someone is preaching diplomacy."

"I'm not!" Noah denied.

"_I_ believe you," Cody said.

"I do too," Gwen said.

"I… sure, I believe you," Harold said.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "He so was. I could tell from the way he denied it. You see if Noah was _actually _denying something, he would have done so sarcastically. Like, 'right. I _totally _did that.'" Harold was emphatically rolling his eyes while saying that. "But no. He said so, seriously. BOO-YA! There's a chance he'll come to the light side after all!")

"Well," Gwen said, "I'll admit it's pretty bad… but I've seen people pass classes with essays this terrible."

"Pass the essays themselves?" Noah asked. Gwen nodded sadly. "Holy crap. I thought that schools were getting worse but… but this is ridiculous."

"So, in the spirit of not humiliating Chris—and so, probably not going to earn too many giggles from Chef—I'm going to give him a C minus," Gwen explained.

"Seriously? You're giving _this _piece of garbage a C minus?" Noah asked. He turned to Cody and said, "I withdraw my comment, Cody. It's obvious to me that Gwen's going to lose."

"Gwen?" Cody asked, "So you think that giving Chris's paper a _better _grade is _worse?"_

"Hey, I was just being honest," Noah said, shrugging. "Isn't it funnier to lie?"

"Well, I suppose… but do you honestly expect to get _no laughs _out of flunking Chris?" Cody asked.

"Not necessarily, but the challenge was to make him laugh the least, not to not make him laugh at all or else you lose by default," Noah responded. "If it was it would be incredibly likely—probably somewhere around eighty percent—that we would all lose today, and the last two episodes of the season would be missing."

"That would be problematic for someone who's so obsessed with ratings," Gwen said, "But he could always repeat the intern incident."

"Noah doesn't like to talk about the intern incident," Harold whispered. "Like, at all."

"Okay, I suppose I understand," Gwen said, "And I guess that suddenly replacing the final three with interns would be even more problematic than suddenly replacing the final eight with interns."

"But the point isn't what would happen if we all lost," Cody said, "The point is what action of ours is going to get us victory, and what's going to get us defeat."

"Well, I guess we're going to have to find out for ourselves," Harold said.

(In the confessional, Gwen said, "Noah made some pretty good points. It is true that blatant lies are more inherently funny. But Cody made some good points too. It's also true that humiliating defeat of another is more inherently funny.")

Harold, Noah, Cody, and Gwen walked out to find Chris, still sitting at his desk. "Hey, have you guys got my papers back?"

"We certainly do," Cody said.

In a ridiculous falsetto, Chef Hatchet said, "Please hand your graded papers in to the teacher."

"Where did that falsetto come from?" Harold asked, "You didn't use it at all before now."

"Do I _have _to be consistent with my voice all the time?" Chef Hatchet asked, knocking Harold down with the force of his voice.

"No," Harold noted, "I just noticed you sounded like DJ's mom."

"Yeah, I get that a lot," Chef Hatchet responded. He held out his hand as the four contestants placed their papers in it.

"Alright, first paper, graded by Noah," he said, "Man, Chris, you should see how much he wrote up your paper." Chef Hatchet turned the paper to face Chris, who conveniently had his back to the camera at the time, so the audience could see that there was more red ink on the page than black ink.

"No doubt complimenting my amazing work," Chris said, smiling confidently.

Noah and Harold exchanged confused glances, and so did Gwen and Cody.

(In the confessional, Harold said, "Chris was bluffing. He _had to_ be. No one is so narcissistic they assume _Noah _is being one hundred percent complimentary. Then again… it's _Chris. _Maybe he _is _that narcissistic.")

"Okay, so the final grade, forty-eight percent. F," Chef Hatchet said, stoically.

"Wh-what?" Chris asked. "Doesn't that make you laugh? Haha. My grade was terrible. Hysterical. Because you can't honestly agree with him, right?"

"Chris," Chef Hatchet said, "Please don't talk in the classroom without raising your hand."

Harold asked Chef Hatchet, "What? Did he lose a bet to you or something?"

"He promised to do this for me if I blew up your bike, so I did," Chef Hatchet answered shrugging. Harold looked stunned.

"M…my bike?" Harold asked.

"Yeah," Chef Hatchet said calmly, "But man, the gulls around this fortress sure don't like explosions." As he was saying this, a flashback was shown, with the Coke-ring seagull trying to escape a large mushroom cloud, and ending up rolling down a hill.

Harold was still stunned. Chef Hatchet turned to him and said, "You better stop being still, Harold. Yours is next. Not a whole lot of comments on this one, just a bunch of nitpicky grammar corrections."

"Jeez, and you accused _me _of prioritizing the grammar too high," Noah said.

"No, I accused you of being too _hard _on it in the numerical grade. There's a difference," Harold responded.

"Anyway, your total is… forty-eight percent. F. But this one is different! You… you got a _zero! _A zero in strength of argument!" Chef Hatchet snickered at this.

"Okay," Chris said, looking impatient, and trying to walk out of his seat, "I guess we have a loser." As he got up, Chef Hatchet hit his knuckles with the pointing rod.

"You're not going anywhere," Chef Hatchet said.

"Is this going to take much longer?" Chris asked.

"Yes," Chef Hatchet responded. "The third paper was graded by Cody. There's almost nothing written on it, except for a giant x through pages eight through ten. Oh, and a lone question mark on page two."

(In the confessional, Cody said, "One way to avoid witticisms… comment as little and as sparsely as possible.")

"Final grade. Sixty-two percent. D," Chef Hatchet said.

"Thanks for passing me, Cody," Chris said, "But couldn't you have given me an A?"

"No, sorry," Cody said, "But hey, look on the bright side. We didn't all fail you."

"Are they allowed to taunt me to my face?" Chris asked Chef Hatchet.

"I blew up the bike like you told me to!" Chef Hatchet responded, "Would it kill you to show a little respect?"

"Ugh, fine," Chris whined. "This last grade better be a good one."

"Okay, finally, Gwen," Chef Hatchet said, taking the paper. "This one's marked up just as much as Noah's is… but somehow the final percentage ended up being a seventy. A _seventy!" _Chef Hatchet said, and then he started laughing. "She gave this garbage a seventy." Chef Hatchet laughed uproariously. Gwen looked very sad.

"We'll miss you," Cody said to her, patting her shoulder.

"Aw, come on!" Chris whined, "I don't want to get rid of Gwen! She was the only one who gave me a maybe decent grade!"

"Well, too bad," Chef Hatchet said, "Because _I _think that her grade was hilarious."

"Ugh," Chris said, and then, as if he were a drug spokesperson listing off side effects or an auctioneer, he rattled off, "Gwen, unfortunately you cannot stay in the competition any longer, please escort yourself to the Trap of Shame yadda yadda yadda."

"Yeah, okay," she said, "I guess my best wasn't good enough."

"Oh, rubbish," Harold said, prompting Cody to give him a strange look and Noah to snicker, "What? It's a perfectly acceptable English word!" He turned back to Gwen and said, "For once, we all made it here from our own strengths. You are just as good as the rest of us. You just got a little unlucky, that's all."

"I really enjoyed getting to know you and Noah better, Harold, but," Gwen said to Harold, and then turning to Cody said, "But I think that I'll miss you the most."

"You'll… you'll… you'll miss me the most?" Cody asked. He smiled extremely broadly, but then thought the better of it and asked, "Am I being creepy?"

"No," Gwen said, and then she indirectly kissed him via two fingers.

"Burn," Noah commented.

"No, she was throwing him a bone," Harold said.

"What?" Cody asked, looking incredibly blithe, "Don't you guys think that it's possible Gwen might have a crush on me?"

"Hey," Harold said, shrugging, "I'm an idealist, not a dreamer."

"Yeah, seriously," Noah said, "Cody, don't get your hopes up. Kisses like that mean 'we can never be.'"

"Oh," Cody said sadly.

Gwen fell down the Trap of Shame. Chris cried, "Why? Why couldn't it have been Noah?"

"Because it's my job to judge today," Chef Hatchet answered, "You know annoying bikes don't just blow themselves up after all."

"Anyway… now we've got our final three. What new surprises lie in store? Well, a certain group of people will be helping with the next challenge, let's just say. Also, in the next episode, we'll find out who the final two are. And then, after that, the finale where someone will win ONE MILLION DOLLARS! And of course, there will also be someone who goes home next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS… unless there's a tie," Chris concluded.


	25. Absentees Make The Hard Road Longer

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to grade my amazing essay, but they all did a terrible job of it, and if it were up to me, something entirely different would have happened. But because I got so fed up with a certain bike, Chef Hatchet was the one who was in charge. As a result, Gwen, the one person I wasn't that mad at, was eliminated, and the three people who failed or almost failed me are still in the completion. But today's challenge has a twist—things are about to get hectic as we discover our FINAL TWO! Right here on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

Cody awakened to find himself next to the key. "What? Why is it right there?" he asked himself. "Did I sleep-win-the-challenge?" He looked around the room and then asked, "Where did Noah and Harold go?"

Noah awakened to find himself next to the key. "Umm…" he said, and then he looked around the room, seeing only the key and a walkie-talkie. "Okay?" He picked up the key and examined it. "Umm… I know this. The tag-team tournament prize. What's it doing in here?"

Harold awakened to find himself next to the key. He spotted a walkie-talkie in the corner of the room. He said to it, "Hello?"

"Hey, dude," a chill voice on the other end said.

"Geoff?" Harold asked.

"The one and only," Geoff responded.

"What's going on here?" Harold asked.

"Geoff!" Chris shouted on the other end, "You're not supposed to talk to Harold until I explain the challenge."

"Oh, sorry, Chris," Geoff apologized, and then turned off the walkie-talkie.

"That was weird," Harold noted.

Chris picked up an intercom and spoke into it. "Good morning, explorers. You're probably wondering where you are. You guys are in the hard-to-escape rooms. But don't worry, because there will be some people helping you. They will only increase as the challenge continues."

Noah smirked. Cody scratched his head. Harold nodded with satisfaction at the explanation.

Cody turned on his walkie-talkie only to hear giggling on the other end. "Umm, hi?" Cody asked.

"Yeah," a high pitched voice said, "We're here to help you!"

"We?" Cody asked.

"How else?" another, distinct high voice said.

"Oh, of course," Cody said. "So, where do you two think the exit is?"

"Well, Sadie thinks it's on the left side of the room, but I think," Katie began.

"No! It's not on the right side. If he tries over there, all he'll get is pain!" Sadie shouted.

Cody looked entirely annoyed. "Look, it would really help if you guys could agree on something. Call me back when you do." He put the walkie-talkie down.

Noah picked up his walkie-talkie, saying to himself, "Whoever calls me better not be someone really annoying."

"Hey, ugly," Justin's voice said on the other end.

"Speak of the devil," Noah muttered.

"Oh, come on, you know I'm only kidding you, right?" he responded.

"Whatev," Noah said, "All I'm saying is don't you _dare_ try to sabotage me."

"Me? Sabotage you?" he asked, "Why would I do that? I'm not a villain anymore. It's too hard!"

"Oh, quit your whining, plastic man," Noah said. "Just help me get out of here."

"I think it's to your right," Justin said. Noah began heading to his left. "Did you not hear what I said?"

"Can you… see me?" Noah asked.

"Well, if I couldn't I wouldn't be much help, now would I?" Justin asked.

"No. You're certainly a ton of help now," Noah said. He put the walkie-talkie down.

Meanwhile, Harold was back with his. "So, Geoff, I guess you're supposed to tell me how to get out of here."

"I would but you see, I don't really know," Geoff responded.

"Well, just think of something," Harold said. "I don't want to be stuck in here forever."

"I under…" Geoff began, and then became cut off.

"Geoff? Geoff?" Harold asked. The screen showed a shot of Geoff and Bridgette making out. "Geoff?" Harold's voice asked over the walkie-talkie.

Bridgette broke the kiss and then asked, "Don't you think we should call him back?"

"It's okay, Bridge," Geoff said, "We'll get reinforcements soon enough."

"But I'm supposed to be reinforcements," Bridgette said.

"A mere technicality," Geoff said, and then began kissing Bridgette again.

Noah's luck was only marginally better. "Oh, Noah, look," Justin said, "I have a guest."

"A… guest?" Noah asked.

"I'm here too, eh!" Ezekiel shouted on the other end.

"Ezekiel?" Noah asked, "What are _you_ doing?"

"I'm going to help you," he said.

"Yeah, I somehow doubt that," Noah said, shutting off the walkie-talkie.

Ezekiel and Justin were shown giving each other curious glances.

"He's not going to call us back, eh," Ezekiel said.

Justin snapped, "I know that!"

Cody listened to the walkie-talkie and he heard Sadie say, "Okay, we've come to a consensus."

"Really? Great!" Cody responded, "What is it?"

"We're going to let our new friend help you out," Katie said.

"Your new… friend?" Cody asked.

"HI CODY!" shouted an all-too-familiar voice on the other end.

"Oh, Sierra… umm, hi, Sierra," Cody said.

"Hi, Cody…" she repeated, and then continued extremely quickly, "Anyway, the exit, I believe would have to be on the ceiling. Chris would never put it near the floor. But I don't think there's any feasible way for you to jump to the ceiling, so there must be some way of climbing the walls…"

"Sierra, slow down," Cody said, "I can't retain so much information at once."

Sierra giggled and then said, "Oh, sorry, Cody, I'm just so excited I get to help you!"

"Yeah, it'll be a real picnic," Cody said.

(In the confessional, Sierra squealed, and then said, "I know he was probably being sarcastic, but it was serious for me!")

"Harold?" a nasally female voice said on the other end of the walkie-talkie.

"Beth! Thank goodness! I was worried my walkie-talkie broke," Harold said, "What happened to Geoff?"

"Bridgette happened to Geoff, but don't worry; I'm still here to help you. Now, what you have to do; I see a hole on the wall, and there are some footholds. You have to get onto one of them," Beth said.

"Okay," Harold said, and then he found a foothold. He fell off of it immediately.

"Try to keep your balance," Beth encouraged.

Noah was alerted by Justin. He picked up the walkie-talkie and asked, "Ugh, what do you want?"

"We just wanted to announce our third member," Justin said.

"Noah, I don't care what they told you! Don't listen to them," a female voice said.

"I knew that, Courtney," Noah responded.

"Hey!" Ezekiel shouted, offended.

"Instead you should listen to me," Courtney said.

"Yeah, I'd rather not," Noah said, putting down the walkie-talkie again. "Is this challenge rigged against me or something?"

"Of course not!" Courtney responded, "You got me."

"You weren't supposed to hear that!" Noah yelled into the walkie-talkie.

"Cody!" Sierra shouted, "Would you like to talk to Trent?"

"Sure," Cody said, "Hey Trent."

"Hmph," Trent said.

"What?" Cody asked.

"I saw what you and Gwen did," Trent said.

"Oh, that… well, Noah told me that meant 'we can never be,'" Cody said, "Don't be so paranoid."

"I'm paranoid? Was I wrong about Duncan, Cody? _Was I wrong about Duncan?" _Trent asked.

"Initially, yes," Cody said. "Besides, why are you complaining? You and Gwen are together again."

"That's a good point," Trent said, "But I'm watching you."

"I'll let you have her. You deserve her," Cody responded. "Now, as for the task at hand…"

"Oh right, umm, I have no idea," Trent said.

Harold was listening to Beth explain how to stand on the footholds without falling off when, suddenly, she was cut off as well.

"Beth, are you there?" Harold asked, "Please tell me you're not making out with someone too."

"Oh, sorry!" Beth said, "I just ran into Lindsay and we started having girl talk."

"This again?" Harold asked. "This better not be a repeat of the puzzle box incident."

"Oh, come on, Harold," Beth said, "I'll be better, I promise."

"Good," Harold said.

"Justin to Noah, Justin to Noah, this is mandatory! I repeat, this is mandatory! Turn the volume on your walkie-talkie down, now!" Justin shouted.

"Why?" Noah asked.

"Trust me," Justin said.

"_Duncan, _you *bleep*!" Courtney shouted.

"You're a *bleep*, Courtney!" Duncan shouted back.

Noah's eyes widened, and then he complied with Justin's instructions saying, "Sorry I doubted you, Justin."

"You couldn't have known how bad it was," Justin said almost inaudibly.

"You're going to have to speak up, though," Noah said.

Cody had just discovered the footholds that Harold noticed minutes ago. "Cody, Heather's here," Trent said, "Want to talk to her?"

"Okay," Cody said, "Maybe she'll be some help. Hi, Heather."

"Alright," Heather said, "You see those footholds?"

"Yeah, but I don't know how to stay on them," Cody said.

"You're the nerd; you figure it out," Heather responded.

"Thank you for your help," Cody answered ironically.

"Hey, you can't expect me to know everything," Heather said, "Because I don't."

"I suppose that's fine," Cody said, "I'll just wait."

Harold was listening, hoping to hear something on the other end besides smacking and high-pitched giggling. He got his wish.

"Hey, Harold," LeShawna's voice said.

"LeShawna! Surely you can help me figure out how to stand on the footholds without falling off," Harold said.

"Of course," she responded, "You just have to pretend you're on Jupiter."

"What?" Harold asked.

"Pretend that there is something holding you in place. Pretend you weigh _a lot _more without being bigger around," LeShawna said.

"Thank you, LeShawna," Harold said, as he began to climb the footholds without any trouble. Once he reached the top he shouted, "Crap! The exit's on the other side of the room!"

"Like opposite wall or corner?" LeShawna asked.

"Corner," Harold answered.

"Crap," LeShawna said, "Well, we'll do the best we can."

"Hey, Noah," a new voice said.

"Oh, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse," Noah said.

"You should go left," Alejandro said.

"Hmm, well, you're a liar, so that would mean I should go right, except for the fact that you know that I know that you're a liar, so that would mean you would want me to think I should go right…" Noah began.

"You know that you deserved to get dumped every time!" Courtney shouted, "You're not even as hot as Alejandro."

"Well, you're not as smart as Albert Einstein, so I suppose you must be an idiot," Duncan retorted. Alejandro was very irritated by this, but he tried to drown them out and talk exclusively to Noah.

"Don't over-think this," Alejandro said, "I might hate you but I don't want you to be trapped in this room forever."

"Well, I'll just wait for a sane person that I can trust to tell me something," Noah said, "No offense, Ezekiel. You're plenty sane and trustworthy, I just kind of think you'd probably be wrong."

"I know, eh," Ezekiel said sadly.

Cody was still at a loss as to how to balance. "Use your heels not your toes," a friendly voice said over the walkie-talkie.

"Who said…? Oh, hi DJ. How have you been?" Cody asked.

"I've been doing fine, but like I said, use your heels not your toes," DJ said, "It'll keep you on better."

"Thank you," Cody said, and then he tried to climb the footholds, only to reach the same discovery that Harold had. "Oh, no!" he shouted, "It's not working! The exit… the exit's across the room."

DJ began to cry with empathy. "I'm sorry, Cody," he said.

"It's… it's okay, DJ," Cody said, "I'm sure we'll figure something out."

Meanwhile, Harold was greeted with this comment from LeShawna, "I've got some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" Harold asked.

"We lost Lindsay for good," LeShawna said. The screen showed her and Tyler making out as well as Geoff and Bridgette.

Tyler broke the kiss and shouted, "Hey, Harold!"

"Hey, Tyler," Harold responded. Tyler resumed kissing Lindsay. "Then what's the good news?" Harold asked.

"Beth isn't distracted anymore!" LeShawna answered.

"Okay, Harold, there might be some sort of suction on the ceiling. Why don't you try testing your arms on it?" Beth asked.

Harold put his arms on the ceiling and then said, "I don't think that there is." Then he looked down, and he saw a box in the corner. "I don't remember seeing that box before," Harold said, as he climbed down the footholds, only to fall on his back.

"You okay, babe?" LeShawna asked concernedly.

"I'm okay," Harold confirmed.

A low-pitched feminine voice said, "Hey, Noah! Listen up! I heard a request for a sane, trustworthy person?"

"Eva?" Noah asked, "Well, yes, what should I do?"

"To your right, there is a column of footholds. But don 't go on them yet. Go to the other side of the room; you should see a box," Eva said.

"Okay," Noah said, as he examined the box. "Now what do I do?"

"Put on the suction cups in the box. You'll need them later," Eva said, "Now climb up the footholds."

Alejandro, offended, said to Justin, "He trusts She-Ra but not us."

"You know why that is right?" Eva asked, "It's because _I'm _honest."

"You said it girl," Duncan said, "Unlike _some _people I know."

"Like you?" Courtney asked.

"Ugh, please stop! No one cares about your relationship drama! You guys have been broken up for quite some time now, and most importantly…" Eva shouted, "You're bugging Noah!"

"You shut up," Alejandro said to her.

"No, you shut up," Noah said to Alejandro, "This is important. I… I have a chance to be in the final two. Oh, crap! I hope I didn't just jinx it…" He knocked on the box. "Cardboard is paper and paper is wood."

Cody was feeling unsure of how to go about doing this. He climbed down the footholds, when Gwen came on the line. "Hi, Cody!" she said, "Don't worry. I'll guide you through. I know you can do it, Cody. You can make it to the final two."

"I can?" Cody asked, "Are you sure?"

"Positively," Gwen said, "I'll give you the briefest instructions possible so that you…"

"Gwen?" Cody asked.

"What?" Gwen asked.

"Brevity?" Cody reminded.

"Yes, of course, brevity," Gwen said, "Step one: suction cups. Step two: footholds. Step three: ceiling. Step four: exit."

"Okay, thanks Gwen, but…" Cody said, "Could you tell me where the suction cups are?"

"The other side of the room from the footholds," Gwen said.

"Alright," Cody said, "Gwen thinks I can do this. I can do this!"

Cody was determined to get out of the room. So was Noah.

Harold was as well, but was unfortunately getting less help from his team. Owen showed up and asked, "What are we doing?"

"Oh, nothing…" Beth said, "Except trying to get Harold in the final two!"

"Oh, okay," Owen said, and then he sat around.

"Why aren't you helping?" LeShawna asked.

"Because," Owen responded, "I don't want to be biased. And what if it's my fault that Harold's in the final two instead of Noah?"

"You're really good at not being biased," LeShawna said.

"Thanks," Owen said blissfully, "Yeah, I know."

"Come on, guys!" Harold said, "I'm almost out. Don't you want to cheer me on?"

"Oh, yes of course!" LeShawna said, "You can do it, babe!"

Noah, Cody, and Harold had all reached the point in their journey where they almost reached the window of exit. They were crawling on the ceiling and they had nothing stopping them, except of course, for their head size.

"Well, this is anticlimactic," Noah said, when he looked at the hole. "There's no way my toboggan-sized-noggin can fit through this thing."

"Yes there is!" Eva shouted, "Don't have it raised… or… er… lowered?"

"Raised, from my perspective at least," Noah said. He complied and put his head down. He managed to make it through the exit, although the back of his head scraped against the side of the window a couple of times.

"Noah!" Eva shouted. "You made it, buddy! You made it to the final two!"

"I… I did?" Noah asked. "But surely, Cody and Harold…" Eva shook her head.

"As much as I hate to admit it," Alejandro said, "You have made it to the final two, my admirable adversary."

"He was my adversary first…" Justin whined.

"Oh, come off it; you barely know the guy," Alejandro responded.

Izzy ran into the group. "Am I late?" she asked. Everyone nodded, except for Ezekiel, who appeared to be examining his sweater. "Dang. I wanted to give him army instructions."

"Congratulations, Noah!" Chris said. "Now for the other…"

Cody quickly jammed his way out of there, but his head did get stuck once. He then wiggled it about, and managed to break free, falling out of the hole and directly into Gwen's arms. Sierra was visibly jealous. So was Trent.

"Oh, sorry," Gwen said, putting Cody down.

"You made it to the final two, Cody! Guaranteed!" Sierra shouted, squeezing Cody. Katie and Sadie squealed gleefully. DJ gave him a hug.

"Wow, huggy team," Cody said, "Well, anyway, thanks, guys!"

"So, Cody," Chris said, "You're in the final two, along with Noah."

"Wait," Harold said, coming out a few seconds later, "Did I make it?"

LeShawna, Beth, and Tyler shook their heads sadly. Harold put his head down in shame. "I guess I should have seen this coming. After all, we alumni of the Killer Bass just don't make it to the final two that often… unless our name happens to be _Duncan."_

"Hey," Duncan said, "Did I make it to the final two more than once? No I didn't. So shut up."

"So, we're working on retrieving the keys right now," Chris said. Chef Hatchet, holding a vacuum was near one of the rooms, putting the nozzle into the window. The vacuum sucked up the keys. Chef Hatchet took the vacuum to the area where everyone was, and spit out the three keys that were in the rooms.

"Now, all of you eliminated contestants; here is the key you would have won if you _had _won instead of being eliminated." He handed the keys to Ezekiel, Bridgette, Courtney, Beth, Sierra, Trent, Duncan, Lindsay, LeShawna, Heather, Alejandro, Eva, DJ, Tyler, Izzy, Owen, Gwen, and finally Harold.

He turned to Geoff, Justin, Katie, and Sadie, and said, "You four didn't play. So I'll give you the keys from the non-elimination challenges. Justin, you get the key from the merge, because your explorer won the challenge. Katie and Sadie, you two get first choice of reward challenge keys because your explorer made it to the final two."

"Well, I'll take diorama and she'll take buried mines," Katie said.

"Of course," Sadie agreed. Chris obliged their requests.

"Geoff, you get the real key from the mystery key challenge," he said, then looked carefully at it to make sure it wasn't the incredibly close decoy. "Yep." He handed it over.

"Final two, as you are both well aware," he said turning to Noah and Cody, "Eva and Tyler both dropped out twice. So Cody, will you take up the key from Tyler's first elimination?"

"Yes," Cody said.

"And Noah? Will you take up the key from Eva's first elimination?" Chris asked.

"I'd be honored," Noah answered.

"What is this even for?" asked Sierra.

"You'll find out," Chris said, "Soon. Very soon. In fact, at the beginning of the next episode, which of course will be the last episode ALL SEASON! And I hope you enjoy it, too. Our final two; who will win? Find out, next time on Total. Drama…"

"Would it kill you to tell us now?" Harold asked impatiently.

"We all want to know," Gwen added.

"No, I will not tell you _now! _That would ruin the _drama!" _Chris said. "Ahem… like I said, next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"


	26. Labyrinth's Retrievers

Author's Note: I apologize to fans of Beth, Bridgette, Courtney, Duncan, Geoff, Justin, Katie and Sadie (if there are any), LeShawna, Lindsay, Trent, and Tyler; as in this episode there are quite a few people who appear and don't talk.

"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to escape from a room, using some help from the eliminated contestants, and some who didn't get a chance to play this year. There were a lot of annoyances and distractions, but in the end they all made it out. Noah and Cody made it out first and became the final two. Harold was sadly eliminated. But he still gets to open the final door, so that we'll finally reach the center of the fortress… for the exciting finale, where one lucky winner will get ONE MILLION DOLLARS… right here on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.

(In the confessional, Cody said, "How did I like it? Well, I'd say it was pretty swell. Who would expect that two undersized nerds would make it to the final two the same season? I sure didn't. Wow, I'm so antsy right now I can barely sit still…")

(In the confessional, Noah said, "You're asking me how I liked it? In that case, with the knowledge that everything I say in here can and will be held against me, I will say that it is exactly as good as I expected it to be.")

Harold looked to Chris and asked, "Okay, so now what do we do?"

"Open the door," Chris said, gesturing to it. Harold shrugged, and then he turned the key, and opened the door. Chris turned on the light with a pull-chain, revealing that, in the center of the room, there was a large trapezoidal prism shaped object, with twenty-four holes scattered around the sides. There was a dip in the middle, and a visible seam around the edges.

Everyone looked at it in awe, except Noah who looked bored, and DJ who looked unaffected.

"Okay," Chris said, "Are you guys ready to put the keys in?"

"Yes, yes, yes!" Izzy shouted, "Is it my turn yet?"

"Not yet, sixth place," Chris said, "You'll have to wait quite some time. Ezekiel, you're up first."

"I… okay, eh!" Ezekiel said, slipping his key into the slot.

Chris continued to call out names and had people put the keys in their slots. "Bridgette, Courtney, Noah, Cody, Beth, Sierra, Trent, Katie, Duncan, Lindsay, LeShawna, Justin, Alejandro, Geoff, Heather, Eva, DJ, Tyler, Izzy…"

"Sweet!" Izzy shouted putting her key in quickly, and then frowning when she realized it was over.

"Sadie, Owen, Gwen, and finally Harold," Chris finished. Harold put the last key in the slot. The object started shaking, which caused DJ to leap into Owen's arms, and then it moved backwards to reveal a staircase.

"Actually," Noah conceded, "That's a pretty clever architectural design."

"You would expect anything less?" Chris asked, which caused Noah to stare blankly. "Whatever, no one cares about your opinion." He turned to the group of eliminated and non-competing teens and asked them, "Please head to this side of the room if you support Noah," pointing to his right, and then, pointing to his left, "And this side of the room if you support Cody."

Sierra, Harold, Trent, Gwen, Duncan, Alejandro, Heather, Beth, and Justin rushed to support Cody. Cody said, "Gwen, I had no idea you wanted me to win so much."

"Hey, why not? We're friends, right, Cody?" Gwen asked.

"Yes," Cody said, smiling, "We certainly are."

Izzy, Owen, and Eva rushed to support Noah. Tyler, DJ, and LeShawna joined that group soon afterward out of sympathy. Ezekiel joined Noah's support shouting, "Underdog! Underdog! Yeah!"

"Please, I didn't lose much this year…" Noah said.

"But what about the _other _years?" Ezekiel whined, "We who didn't play in season two have to stick together, eh!"

"I didn't play in season two either, but... Ezekiel's sentiment makes sense," Cody said.

Bridgette, Courtney, Geoff, Katie and Sadie, and Lindsay were having trouble deciding on a group. Eventually Bridgette and Geoff joined Cody's group. Katie and Sadie joined Noah's support, and Lindsay went and stood next to Tyler, which put her in Noah's support by default. Courtney also joined Noah's group, but it looked as though she was only doing it to spite Duncan.

"A stalemate," Chris said, "Nice. Now, are you two ready to compete for ONE MILLION DOLLARS?"

"Of course," Cody said, "How about you, Noah?"

"I was born ready," Noah said.

"Just one more thing before you guys head down to the final labyrinth," Chris said, "Why do you two think you should win?"

"Well," Noah said, "In addition to the fact that the money could help me pay for things like college… I promised Eva I'd try my best to win. And I plan to." Eva looked genuinely touched when Noah said this.

"Why do I deserve to win?" Cody asked, "Who am I kidding? I don't. Noah deserves to win." This made Sierra sad, and Alejandro angry. He turned to Noah and said, "Just go get the money."

Noah had a simple reply, "No."

"What?" Cody asked.

"I didn't get here on handouts," Noah said, "And I don't plan to get there on handouts either."

Cody said, smiling, "You've really grown since the first season."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Noah said in an unusually friendly tone.

Noah and Cody walked down the stairs into the basement as the entire peanut gallery watched in awe. Izzy and Sierra attempted to follow the boys down the stairs, but Chris stopped them. "Uh-uh," he said, "No watching."

"Aww! Why not?" Izzy whined.

"Because then we might have someone stealing the money," Chris said.

"Fine," Sierra said, and then she and Izzy sat right next to the staircase, waiting for the boys to return.

Noah and Cody were under the stairs. "Okay," Noah said, "I think it's over here somewhere."

"Well, we could always keep left," Cody said. "That way no matter what we'll find it eventually."

"True," Noah said, and then he took the suggestion, only to have a large spike fall from the ceiling and narrowly miss his foot. He was slightly freaked out and he continued, "Unless something like that happens!"

"Well, I'm certain that our challenge will be very… challenging," Cody said, and then continued, "I'm sorry. That was terrible."

"It's alright," Noah said, "Now if keeping left causes spikes to fall from the ceiling, I can't imagine keeping right is any better… you know, considering that the walls are the same when you wrap around."

"Then I guess we'll have to stick near the middle," Cody said, and then he walked right into a hole.

He shouted in surprise, when Noah grabbed his arm, pulled him out of the hole, and then said, "Be more careful."

"I'll try," Cody said, still surprised. "You didn't have to pull me out, you know."

"Eh, what can I say? I might hate sports, but that doesn't mean I can't be sportsmanlike," Noah said, "Certainly more so than those jerk jocks. I honestly feel very sorry for Tyler."

"Well, that's very noble of you, Noah," Cody said. He started looking down as he walked, so he would not fall in another hole. A big rock came out of the wall, and knocked Noah over. He landed on his face. Cody saw him and asked, "Are you okay?"

"Fine," Noah responded, "Just a race hindrance is all. Go ahead of me while you can."

"I'd rather help you get up," Cody said, pulling Noah off the floor.

"Oh, I see, was this a karmic reward for me rescuing you from the hole?" Noah asked.

"Something like that," Cody responded.

"Okay, clearly, we have to find the money, and it could be hidden behind the empty pathway, the empty pathway, the empty pathway with an ominous looking black spot in the distance, or…"Noah began, and then noticed the fourth pathway was full of fiery spikes and had a sign with an arrow that read, "The Money Is Behind This Path." He looked unimpressed and said, "Right. Nice try, Chris. Obviously, it's behind the empty pathway with the ominous looking black spot in the distance."

"How did you reach that conclusion?" Cody asked curiously.

"Simple deductive reasoning. The empty ones are obviously too easy to be anything but dead ends, and well… look at that sign trying desperately to get us to follow that red herring… The ominous black spot is probably an obstacle that I wasn't supposed to see yet but I did anyway," Noah said. He started walking towards that path, until he noticed Cody was still next to the fiery spikes path eying it curiously. Noah said, "I forbid you to go in there until we have definite proof that this path is wrong," and then he dragged Cody away.

Noah and Cody ran along, and then they ran into a giant gaping pit. "The ominous black spot," Cody said to Noah. "How do we get across it?"

"Well, I guess we're going to have to jump," Noah said.

"Jump? Are you kidding me? The distance over that gap's got to be at least ten meters!" Cody objected.

"I think…" Noah said, "I think we're supposed to be at the bottom of it. Look down."

Cody looked down and the audience was treated to his vertigo experience. "Umm, I'd rather not," he said, looking up again.

Noah rolled his eyes, and then looked down himself. He said, "There's a path down there. I'll jump first."

"Be careful," Cody pleaded.

Noah jumped, and braced himself for a hard landing, but there was no such hard landing. He looked back up at Cody, realizing that the pit was only about a meter and a half deep. He looked at the floor he was standing on. "Hey, I guess Chris's paintjob is pretty clever too. I'm beginning to think he was lying about building this fortress. Which I guess makes sense, since Chris has no architectural skills that I know of."

"So, it's just a shallow pit?" Cody said, "Then what of the pathway?"

"I don't know," Noah said, "I guess it was a false alarm." Suddenly, the floor started sinking beneath Noah's feet. "Or not."

"Noah!" Cody shouted, and then he leapt onto the floor as it sunk faster and faster. Cody didn't land until the floor had stopped sinking and when he did, he landed hard, leg first. "Oh… oh, ow!" Cody shouted.

"What? What happened?" Noah asked, concernedly.

"I think I broke my leg…" Cody said, looking down at the state of his limb.

"Oh no!" Noah said, "That's not good." He rushed over to Cody and began examining it. Then, for seemingly no reason at all, Cody started laughing. Noah, obviously very nervous, asked, "Why are you laughing at a time like this?"

"You never wanted this," was Cody's concise reply.

"Wha…what?" Noah asked.

"I mean what I said," Cody repeated, "You never wanted this. You would never have joined something like this if you didn't have some sort of practical goal. I mean, let's think about it; you always avoided the limelight like the plague…"

"I'm getting better," Noah said.

"You're opposed to any and all forms of reality show stupidity…" Cody continued.

"Well, yeah," Noah responded, "I mean it's _stupidity. _I don't see your point."

"I can count the number of times you've used the confessional on one hand…" Cody continued.

Surprised at this, Noah asked, "You… you kept track of that?"

"That's not the point," Cody responded, "The point is that you've suffered just as much as I have, possibly enjoyed less, and didn't complain. Not only that, but you have a bright future. You're a high-tail genius; I'm just a run-of-the-mill higher intelligence being. So please, end your misery on a high note. You've earned your happy ending. Now go get it."

Noah stared for a second or two, and then he shook his head. "No," he said, "Not without you."

"What?" Cody asked.

"Did you abandon me when Alejandro knocked me out?" Noah asked.

"No, I didn't, but…" Cody responded

"Who was it that wouldn't rest until I had forgiven him for one tiny verbal misstep?" Noah asked.

"Well that was me, but…" Cody answered.

"Who was it who blamed himself for an accidental elimination that was very clearly my fault?" Noah asked.

"Okay, it wasn't your fault that Sierra got eliminated, it was mine," Cody corrected.

"See?" Noah asked, "You did all sorts of things for me. You helped me get rid of Alejandro. You were one of the only teammates I had this year I didn't fight with. And most importantly… you proved to me, to an extent previously performed only by my relatives, that I could trust you. And now…" He paused, smiling at Cody. "I'll do the same for you."

Noah began looking around. "What are you doing?" Cody asked.

"Looking for supplies. I can't carry you in my arms; I'm too weak and tiny. So, if I want to get you out of here, I'll need some sort of device to carry you in," Noah said. He looked at Cody, said, "Stay here. I'll be right back," and ran on a path to the side of their location.

"I'll do my best not to move," Cody shouted back, mocking the inanity of Noah's instruction.

On the surface, Sierra asked Gwen, "Do you think that Cody's going to make it out of there in one piece?"

"Well," Gwen said, "I don't think that if they were going to be eaten by lions, Chris would have made us all wait here. Of course, knowing Chris…"

"They're going to get eaten by lions?" Owen asked, incredibly freaked out.

"No, relax, big guy," Gwen said, "It was a joke."

"Are you sure?" Izzy asked, "There could be some pretty scary little _lions_ in there. Or giant cobras." DJ squeaked when she said this. "Or a big fiery pit of lava filled with radioactive metal piranhas with teeth as sharp and deadly as guillotines!"

"I think I just wet myself," DJ admitted.

"Please stop, Izzy," Owen said, covering his ears, "I can't bear the thought that any of this is happening to sweet little Noah."

"Noah?" Sierra asked indignantly, "What about Cody?"

"What about him?" Heather asked, "It doesn't matter, because nuts girl is _lying."_

"Perhaps she's not lying," Alejandro offered, "But is sadly mistaken."

Meanwhile, underground, Noah had managed to find supplies to form a makeshift wheelbarrow, mostly on the other side of a very obvious dead end. He helped Cody into it, and then headed for the center. He saw a case of money in the middle, and realized that it was up some stairs. "Okay, how should I go about doing this?"

"Well, you could leave me at the bottom and come back for me after you get the money," Cody shrugged.

"Do you really think that's a good idea? After all the moving architecture we've seen today, wouldn't it make more sense not to risk it?" Noah asked.

"Okay, well, if you have a better idea, go ahead and use it," Cody said.

"I guess I'll just lift you up the stairs," Noah said. He physically strained to lift the wheelbarrow containing Cody onto each step. By the time he reached the top, he was extremely exhausted. He collapsed from exhaustion, but still managed to touch the case. Suddenly, the entire staircase lifted and they ended up in the courtyard.

"Alright," Cody shouted, "Let's go greet the peanut gallery."

"I… I need to sit…" Noah said.

Chef Hatchet saw Noah huffing and puffing and Cody in the wheelbarrow and shouted, "Get up!"

"I'm sorry, Chef," Cody said, "But you see I broke my leg, and Noah just did a lot more lifting than I really think he should have…"

"Shut up!" Chef Hatchet said, "We have a winner. I'm sure everyone wants to see the winner." In one arm he carried Noah, who held the case. In the other, he pushed Cody's wheelbarrow. He took them through each of the doors.

On the way, Noah commented, "So, I never knew that Chris was so good at architectural design or trompe l'oeil painting… how come he never bragged about those things?"

"Uhh…" Chef Hatchet said, "I wasn't aware he was good at either of those things."

"Well," Noah said, "He certainly seemed to show these characteristics when he… ahem… _built _this fortress."

"Did Chris tell you that he built this fortress?" Chef Hatchet asked. "Because he didn't! _I _did."

"I knew it," Noah said, smiling proudly.

"Chris, you liar!" Chef Hatchet shouted, and then he ran towards the final room at a much faster speed, which appeared to give Cody motion sickness, and ended up behind the peanut gallery, who each turned and looked. A good number of them gasped when they saw the state of the final two.

"Oh, my god!" Izzy shouted, "They_ were_ attacked by lava-dwelling radioactive metal piranhas with teeth as sharp and deadly as guillotines."

"Sorry," Noah said, "But you're stuck with us a little bit longer, Izzy."

Chef Hatchet put Noah down, and left Cody's wheelbarrow standing still. "Noah," Cody said, "I really love you." Noah looked surprised by this comment, which caused Izzy to grin and Sierra to scowl. He quickly added, "As a friend…" This made Izzy stomp her foot in annoyance and Sierra relax a little.

Noah, still taken aback, responded, "That really means a lot to me, Cody. Thank you." He then hugged Cody quickly, which caused Izzy to squeal.

Cody smiled and then asked, "What, no verbal irony?"

"Would it even fit here?" Noah asked, confusedly, letting go.

"You know best," Cody responded, "Professor…"

"You won, Noah!" Eva shouted, "You won!" She smiled and then said, "I knew you could do it."

"We're so proud, buddy!" Owen shouted. "Sorry, Cody…"

"It's fine…" Cody said, "It's really… really fine."

"Noah," Alejandro said, "I… I didn't want you to win."

"Heh," Noah said, "That must be why I won." Alejandro's eyes widened and he tried to come up with a response.

"You… you… I'm not even going to dignify that with a reply," he said, and then he walked away.

"Cody, I'm sorry you lost," Gwen said.

"It's fine," Cody said, "Winning isn't everything. Besides, I know that Noah's going to use the money well."

"I know that too," Gwen said, "But I also know that you would've also done that."

"Congratulations, Noah!" Chris shouted. "You've won the money! Now, here's a question… would you like a chance to increase your winnings by tenfo…?"

"No," Noah responded.

"What?" Chris asked, surprised at the answer.

"No," Noah repeated, at a higher volume this time.

"Are you sure?" Chris asked.

"Abso-freaking-lutely," Noah said, his voice thick with annoyance.

"Ten million doll…" Chris began.

"Chris, I'm not one. I can do multiplication," Noah said, "And my answer is No. Nein. Iie."

"Did you just say, 'yeah'?" Chris asked, eagerly.

"No, gosh!" Harold shouted, "He said 'no' again!"

"You could buy Cody a mansi…" Chris started up again.

Noah grabbed him by both shoulders, and looked at him straight in the eye. "I'm going to give ten thousand or so to Cody to help with his recovery, and just for overall being such a great friend, and then I'm going to put the rest into savings. End. Of. Story." He walked out of the room, taking the wheelbarrow-bound Cody with him.

"He'll be back," Chris said to the camera.

"No I won't!" Noah shouted into the room.

"They're always back," Chris said slyly.

"It doesn't matter about that right now, Chris," Chef Hatchet said. "I hear that you told the kids that you built the fortress."

"Oh, about that," Chris said nervously, "Obviously I didn't mean that I… _built _the fortress… just that I… _commissioned _it."

"It took me _years_ to build this fortress, and you didn't pay me _nearly _enough," Chef Hatchet yelled.

Chris gulped, and then asked, "Can we talk about this later?"

"Meet me in detention!" Chef Hatchet yelled.

"Yes, Professor Hatchet," Chris said, as Chef Hatchet put on the librarian style glasses and led Chris away.

"Oh, I almost forgot," Chef Hatchet said to the camera, "Once Chris gets done with detention he may have an idea for a new season, or maybe he won't. I don't really know. But if he does, _don't watch it. _Until he starts payin' me better. You understand? This is Chef Hatchet, signing off the final episode of Total Drama FOOOOORTREEEEEEEESS! That I built. NOT CHRIS!"

Author's Note: Whew. It's been two months with a fairly intense update schedule but I finally finished my biggest fan fiction project ever. Please tell me what you think of the story as a whole as well as the final chapter. Also, one thing that I did when writing this story was include a ton of references to things in my life, in my education, and in media; please let me know if you would be interested in seeing annotations for the story. It would include explanations of references, notifications of when I based something on a real life event, and other things you might find on a wiki page.


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